'AITA for refusing to attend my sister's wedding after she secretly dated and got engaged to my ex-fiancé?'
"AITA for refusing to attend my sister's wedding after she secretly dated and got engaged to my ex-fiancé?"
AlisonVio
Alright, buckle up, because this is a rollercoaster.
I (28F) was engaged to my ex-fiancé "Mike" (30M) for two years. We were together for five years in total and were supposed to get married last summer.
About three months before our wedding, I found out that he had been cheating on me with someone else. It was devastating, and I called off the wedding immediately. Mike moved away shortly after we broke up, and I thought that was the end of it.
I was heartbroken, but I slowly started to move on with my life. Fast forward to last month, I get a call from my younger sister "Lily" (25F) saying she has exciting news and wants me to come over to our parents' house for dinner to share it.
When I arrived, Lily and my parents were all smiles, and she drops the bombshell: she’s engaged. To Mike. My head was spinning. I felt like I was going to pass out. Lily and Mike had been secretly dating for the past year, and now they were engaged.
My parents had known about it for months but decided to keep it from me to "protect my feelings." They actually thought I'd be happy for them eventually. Lily tried to justify it by saying she and Mike fell in love after our breakup and that their relationship is meant to be.
She insisted that they didn't start dating until after we were officially over, but I felt betrayed on so many levels. I told them all that I wanted nothing to do with their wedding and stormed out.
Since then, my parents and Lily have been bombarding me with calls and texts, calling me selfish and saying I'm overreacting. They claim that true love is rare and I should be supportive of Lily's happiness.
Now, the wedding is in a few months, and the pressure is on. My parents have even threatened to cut me off financially if I don't attend. Some friends think I should go to keep the peace and show I'm over it, while others are appalled and say I have every right to be angry and to stay away.
To add insult to injury, Lily recently asked if I would be her maid of honor, claiming she wants to mend our relationship. This request has left me torn—I don't want to ruin our family dynamic further, but I can't shake the hurt and betrayal I feel. So, AITA for refusing to attend my sister's wedding after she secretly dated and got engaged to my ex-fiancé?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
owls_and_cardinals
NTA. The timeline here seems somewhat questionable. You were supposed to get married like 12 months ago but broke up 15 months ago and they have magically been together for 12 months? IDK, maybe, but have you considered the possibility that she is the one he cheated with?
It's bewildering to me that all the adults in this situation accept all this without question, and are putting the pressure on you to do the same.... that's WILD. It's sucks to face the prospect of losing financial support but you might be better off without the lot of them having much of a role in your life.
They do not have your best interests at heart....IDK if this is a new dynamic, if she's always been the golden child, or what. Even if I were to stretch my imagination and see this as a genuinely loving and healthy, committed relationship between the two of them, you have not been treated with respect as their relationship developed.
Your sister and parents REALLY let you down, and they are digging themselves further into the hole by demanding you respond a certain way and by threatening and coercing you to comply. Ick.
Try to keep your head up, you don't have to go along with their celebrations, and build as much independence as you can so that you aren't too disadvantaged if they further try to control you by withholding financial support. You really don't want to be dependent on them when they've shown they value the 'peace' in the family, or your sister's happiness, over your happiness.
ianeinman
Likely explanation:
Lily is the “golden child”, she does no wrong in parents’ eyes. Parents like Mike, consider him family. Mike had second thoughts about marrying OP, or is just cheating type, and wanted to explore relationship with Lily.
The cheating he confessed to OP was with Lily, and the reason he confessed it was probably because he wanted to end things with OP. Parents are OK with this because Lily is golden child, they’ve always liked Mike, and Lily’s happiness is more important than OP. It sounds crazy but when parents have a strong preference for one child they really can do shit like this. Terrible parents.
No_Construction_1096
NTA. Let's review here. Mike has cheated on you and broke your heart (presumely with someone else, since Lily says they started dating after your break-up). Now that very cheater is with your sister and they, including your parents, hid this fact from you.
Now they drop this bomb on you, call you heartless for not believing in their 'true love' and Lily even dares to ask you to be her maid of honor? If Mike cheated once, he will cheat again. That much I foresee. To be honest OP, I would go LC or NC with them, depending on how they decide to behave in future towards you.
machinezed
If she did perform her duties as Maid of Honor. She would get a speech where she could very easily point out that she was engaged to him before, and to remind her sister of why they broke up. She could then point out how disappointing it is to have your own family keep secrets from her and threaten to cut off financially, all because she has feelings.
Apart-Ad-6518
NTA one bit.
"Lily have been bombarding me with calls and texts, calling me selfish and saying I'm overreacting."
That's rich coming from someone who betrayed you so badly.
"My parents have even threatened to cut me off financially if I don't attend."
Lily really is the golden child isn't she? Weaponizing money is bad under any construction but in this situation it's really messed up. Having said that at 28, wouldn't you want financial independence anyway?
"...but I can't shake the hurt and betrayal I feel."
You can't be blamed for that. A lot of people wouldn't be able to have a relationship with their sister (or even parents) after it.
Maybe you should just remove yourself from the whole situation & take time to heal/figure out what you really want to do here. Including going NC with your family if that would be best for you. Sorry you're going through this.