'AITA for refusing to ban my 'rude and disrespectful' dad from events with my fiancé's parents?'

"AITA for refusing to ban my father from events with my fiancé’s parents?"

I will be the first to admit that while I love my dad, he has his faults. He is a charming, charismatic guy, with a booming laugh and loads of interesting stories (he had a tough but interesting life and generally has a good attitude about it). But he has this one habit that has always annoyed me: he is always on his phone/laptop for work. To a ridiculous degree.

My brother has told me about a guided tour they went once when he came to visit him in college - dad got on the phone 10 min in, kept talking loudly for half an hour to his business associate, and wouldn’t stop until another person on the tour told him he was being rude and to shut up. My brother nearly died of embarrassment. It is that bad.

We’ve all talked to him about it, and he has gotten a little better, but insists that he needs to keep working (if it matters, we grew up pretty poor and he and my mom still struggle financially). So he’ll do things like come to a family dinner and bring his laptop, so he can sit at the table and work after the dinner portion is over. He has now done this twice at dinner parties my fiancé’s parents have invited them to.

Fiancé’s parents are super gracious, like my parents personally, and have never commented on it. My fiancé is livid though. He finds it rude and disrespectful to his parents. It is and I talked to my dad after both incidents.

The problem is he hasn’t stopped (he’s taken calls while at lunch with fiancé and I as well), and my fiancé wants me to give my dad an ultimatum: if he can’t leave his phone and laptop off, he can’t come to these events anymore.

I would normally recognize that as fair. However, my dad is pretty old (70s - he had me pretty late in life) and was recently diagnosed with an incurable condition that will kill him. The doctors can’t say when - could be today, could be 10 years from now - but it is likely he doesn’t have long left.

And if it doesn’t kill him soon, it will probably decrease his cognitive abilities until he is a different person. Given this, I don’t want to exclude him from events. I want to spend as much time as possible with him, and have him be part of these family moments, even if he is a little rude. Am I the @$$hole if I refuse to ban him for future events?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

watkinobe said:

NAH except your father. He's the asshole, even with the terminal illness. His behavior is rude and socially unacceptable. He sounds more like an out-of-control workaholic than someone who actually has to be constantly engaged with work just to keep the lights on. While I understand your fiance's frustration, it's not your job to police your dad.

Given that "we've all talked to him about it" it might be time for *everyone* to address the issue once again and give him a collective ultimatum, instead of putting this all on you.

OP responded:

To be honest, I think it’s more desperation to try to achieve his dreams. He grew up super poor and was the first in his family to go to college, and he always promised he was going to get rich and give us a great life. He was never able to do that, and even though all his kids have ended up fine, I think he’s desperately trying to achieve it before he dies.

4Fidget20 said:

If you’re not careful he will be bringing laptop to your wedding day and turning his ringer up so he can hear it over the vows and reception music. Lots of people over invest in their phones, taking calls or texting, but I’ve never heard of anyone bringing a laptop to the dinner table much less while you have guests.

That’s obsessive. Unless he needs to save a life or close on a billion dollar deal anything can wait 2 hours.

You need to ask him if he will look back on his life will he say I should have worked harder or I should have cherished times with my loved ones. At 70 he should be relaxing but maybe he is more concerned about providing for your mother. NTA.

OP responded:

I think it is concern for providing (which makes me a little sad for him even if he is being super rude to others). I stated it in another comment, but he grew up super poor and always promised he was going to get rich and provide an amazing life for his wife and kids.

He was never able to achieve the level of wealth he wanted to provide for us and even though all his kids are doing well (and would rather just spend time with him), he’s obsessed with still making it happen.

throwawaywifey008 said:

YTA. Your fiancé is right. If he wants to go to any family events and spend time with your finances parents then he should be off his phone. And if you want to spend as much time as possible with him then visit him anytime and any day.

fruitypebbles4lyfe said:

YTA. It’s not just about your dad, there are other people affected by this too. He’s being hella rude and just because it’s normal for your family, doesn’t mean it’s normal for your partner’s family.

[deleted] said:

YTA - The goal isn't to ban him from these events though. The goal is to have him really be there. Do you honestly think your father will stop spending time with you if he can't bring a computer?

OP responded:

That is a fair question, especially because I realize that probably seems crazy. But yes, I think he might. I’ve mentioned it in a couple other comments, but my dad feels strongly that he is doing this FOR us. My dad grew up super poor and always promised himself and us that he would work hard, get rich, and provide an extraordinary life for us.

He hasn’t been able to do that and I think that’s what’s driving him toward constantly be working. Whenever we get mad about it, he notes that he’s doing it to keep a promise to us.

I don’t agree with it, and I have told him many times that i’d rather have time with him than money (and I make a decent amount on my own), but it’s been his one goal pretty much my whole life. And I think he genuinely believes that if he does it, it will make up for any issues in between. So yes, I do think there’s a good chance he’d just accept it as a ban on him, and still feel he was doing the right thing.

She later shared this update:

I really want to thank everyone who provided their judgments and thoughts. Even the unkind ones gave me some insight to help me address the issue. Having thought about a lot of the suggestions, my boyfriend and I had a heart-to-heart last night. We both apologized for our reactions during the first conversation.

He admitted that he’d called his parents and they were both upset about his ultimatum. They are the ones extending invitations to my parents and said they’d feel mortified if they invited my parents to something only to have me tell my dad he wasn’t welcome for any reason. They felt it wasn’t our place when it was their events.

But they acknowledged they found his behavior rude and that they are also concerned about the effect it has on my father’s health. They are really fond of him, and would rather have him around with his rude behavior than not at all, but they hoped we could come up with something else.

For my part, I recognized I had not done enough to try to curtail the behavior or soothe the anxieties that may have caused it, and that (regardless of how his parents feel about it), it isn’t fair to them, my fiancé, or any other guests. So we discussed and agreed upon a less extreme course that will require change, but not exclude my father from important moments.

Based on some of the suggestions I got here, I’ve decided to have a family intervention, where we explain to my father again just how hurtful and embarrassing his behavior is for all of us. But we will also all explain to him that we love him, so much, and that we know how much he has done for us.

And that, even if things didn’t turn out exactly the way he expected, he DID succeed in the promise he made us and himself. He gave me and my older brothers an amazing start in life, such that we’ve all done really well. We have more than enough for ourselves and to support them if they ever need it.

We don’t need any money or material things, we just need his time. At the end of the day, there is nothing more valuable. I am hoping that love may succeed where shame has failed.

We will not require him to stop working entirely, since I do believe, as some here have suggested, that this is something he is doing for himself as well. But we will require that he not pull out his phone or laptop at events with other guests.

We hope that he will just agree to this after the intervention, but if he takes out either item at an event we will give him a soft warning once, and if it is not immediately put away, then calmly and quietly remove the item and lock it in one of our cars. He can have it back when they are leaving the event. It may create some initial unpleasantness, but my brothers have already indicated they are onboard.