'AITA for refusing to be my friend's maid of honor because it’s too much work?' UPDATED

"AITA for refusing to be maid of honor because it’s too much work?"

A little background. I work full time and am sole caregiver for my husband. He is still able to do a lot for himself but there’s also still a lot that falls on me and because of this I’m constantly exhausted and trying to find time and energy to do everything I need to do. My friends know this though some don’t really understand how time consuming and exhausting it is because they see him able to do things at gatherings.

A friend of mine is getting married and asked me to be the maid of honor. I was touched that she asked but told her that while I was thankful for the offer I couldn’t accept. I let her know I was still willing to be a bridesmaid or just a guest if she preferred that but that I couldn’t take on the responsibility of being maid of honor at this time.

She blew up at me and said I’m being selfish and a bad friend. She also said that “everyone” thinks I’ve been extremely selfish this past year because I don’t hang out with them as much as I used to. I made the comment that I didn’t work a little over a year ago so of course I had more time but she just said that was me making excuses like always.

I gave up on arguing with her and just repeated that I don’t have the time/energy to commit to being maid of honor she then told me I didn’t need to bother finding the time/energy to even come to the wedding at all.

Now the entire friend group is split with some taking her side and saying I’m wrong for not making an effort and others taking my side saying she needs to recognize my other responsibilities. The replacement maid of honor has 4 kids under the age of 6 which the bride and those that agree with her are just using a s moor proof that I’m being selfish.

It’s ended up a huge mess, causing problems with the whole group, and changing how everyone feels about the wedding. I feel horrible and didn’t want any of that to happen. Now the bride is saying I can fix it all if I just agree to be “co maid of honor”. I still feel like that’s too much for me to take on. So AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Foggy_Radish said:

NTA - what is her absolute obsession with you being MOH? I mean, it can't be because you are good friends. Good friends don't treat each other like she is treating you. I would just move on from this friendship. Other friendships may fail as well, depending on how much power she has over the others. But it is what it is. Life is too short to let other people control you.

purrfunctory said:

NTA. No one is entitled to your time and attention. If she feels this way then perhaps she should spend a day in your shoes, or better, a week, being sole caretaker for your husband on top of your other responsibilities.

Just chiming in as someone who has a spouse as sole caretaker: Thank you for the sacrifices you make. The sacrifice of time, attention and sanity is underestimated or not even considered by people not in your position.

My husband became my sole caretaker after I was suddenly paralyzed from the mid chest down. He’s wiped my ass, changed my diapers, cooked, cleaned, did laundry, shops and cooks. Every chore I used to do, he now has to do. It was so much work for him he had to take early retirement. Thank god he was in a union and had a guaranteed pension.

On top of all the inside chores he also looks after the lawn, house maintenance, etc. It’s eye opening to our friends when they realize just how much he has to do.

Hoping the best for you and your husband.

OP responded:

Thank you so much and I’m sorry for what both you and your husband are going through. I’m incredibly lucky my husband is able to do as much as he is still but there’s still a lot that I have had to take over and it’s a new experience for me. It’s only been about 2 years that I had to start taking on more responsibilities and about a year since it really got bad.

I realize I’m not giving my friendships as much as I should and feel really guilty about it but I feel like some of them need to cut me some slack. The good ones are amazing but the others have been really upset with me lately.

I hate to say they are bad friends because I would feel upset if they were saying no to things as much as I have been but at the same time I feel like they need to understand why I say no. It’s just a huge mess all around.

saltysegall said:

NTA. If anything, your 'friend' (use this term loosely) and those who are on her side really lack empathy and compassion. They are the selfish bunch of AH.

It's not like you were being ungrateful (as you mentioned how touched and honourd you felt to be given the role) or took the reponsibility and only to realise last minute that it is too much for you to handle and bail out. You were aware that the role came with responsibilities that you knew you would not be able to take due to your personal commitments, so it was right to say no then and there directly.

She already acted very rash and emotionally and was quick to kick you out of the entire ceremony immediately after your refusal. I would re-consider the friendship. Friends don't go around kicking others down when they are already in difficulty.

OP responded:

Originally I considered just saying yes and hoping I could fully commit but I thought that would be selfish of me. Then to be called selfish because I did what I thought was best. I’m the type of person that will run themselves ragged trying to keep everyone happy so to be called selfish for doing what I think is best is heartbreaking.

She later shared this update:

I wanted to update things got crazy at my house and one of my friends was trying to make me feel better so she created a group chat trying to give everyone a chance to be heard. After several people making comments about me not being there for others I blew up at all of them and let lose about all the stress I have going on. Bride to be asked “well why didn’t you say something” and I lost it again.

I thought all of them would be done with me but this morning I came home from the vet to 3 of the friends that took the bride’s side waiting with casseroles because as they put it neither me or my husband needed the stress of cooking. They also told off the bride and the couple of people still on her side.

Turns out they didn’t realize how stressed I was and I admit that’s partially my fault for not complaining more. I’m done with those who still think I’m in the wrong and my true friends understand my issues a little more now.