'AITA for refusing to be responsible for my husband's CPAP machine after the cat chewed it?'
"AITA for refusing to take care of my husband's medical equipment?"
So my husband (42m) and I (41f) are having a disagreement. Here's the situation: he uses a CPAP machine at night. He's had it for 15 years and never puts it away in the morning. He has decided that it's my responsibility to take care of it and prevent the children or our pets from touching it.
He says it's unreasonable for him to put it away every morning, even though there are many many things the kids and I use and put away every single day.
He insists that other things of his be left where it's convenient for himself even if it makes life harder for the rest of us (example he will leave his shoes under the kitchen table and tells me that I should just not clean the floor there at all so his shoes don't get moved) he goes to great lengths to make life easier for himself even if that means putting more difficulty on me and our children.
last night our cat got into our bedroom and chewed on the hose for his CPAP. I didn't know it till we went to bed and husband freaked out. He demanded to know why I wasn't watching his CPAP and why I had "let" it get ruined. Then he decided he wants to lock me and the kids out of our bedroom when he leaves for work every morning. I said absolutely not.
Our second bathroom is only accessible thru the bedroom, all my own things are in the bedroom and that would leave me with out access to any of my things during the day unless I cleared everything out of my room and the second bathroom (which is also where I keep my makeup and other personal items) which to me seems totally unreasonable I told him he should put away his CPAP every morning.
He says that it's unreasonable for him to remember to do such an annoying task and that he shouldn't have to put anything he owns away. I really feel like he should be responsible for his own things and that it is unreasonable for him to lock me out of my own room. So am I the @$$hole?
What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:
Princess-She-ra said:
"He insists that other things of his be left where it's convenient for himself even if it makes life harder for the rest of us... He says that it's unreasonable for him to remember to do such an annoying task and that he shouldn't have to put anything he owns away"
So... this isn't just about the CPAP. You've been his maid for 15 years. He doesn't have to put anything away, he doesn't have to take care of his stuff, he doesn't care if he makes it more difficult for you to clean the floor and won't even put his frikkin shoes away? Sorry but this isn't ok.
SpecialistFeeling220 said:
Oh no. Do you both happen to come from a background where women are expected to be subservient to men, their husbands in particular? It’s those kinds of behaviors that have driven young women from faiths that regard them as less than their male counterparts.
I’m so sorry, because I don’t believe that men raised with the belief that their wives are their property and treat them as such will ever change. I doubt it’s easy to acknowledge that you were raised incorrectly and with beliefs that harm others and rob them of their autonomy, never mind one’s reluctance to cede that authority when you’ve been programmed to believe that it’s your god given right.
You don’t have to live like that, or allow your children to grow up believing that a wife is a slave to her husband, required to obey his command and expected to accept discipline when they fail. Remember that the rule of thumb came from a husband’s legal right to beat his wife. I left a man who abused me because I’d burned dinner while trying to care for our son and study for my nursing finals.
I later came to understand that part of his intent was to sabotage my attempt at a career, despite our needing the money, because it would have meant that he’d lose control over if I wasn’t fully dependent on him. Leave before it gets worse. You’re not the @$$hole, you’re not being unreasonable and you deserve better. So do your children.
OP responded:
Pretty much. It's only been in the last few years that I've left that church and I'm trying to learn what is actually normal and reasonable and what isn't. He isn't changing and doesn't see a reason to..I also have many children so leaving right now isn't financially possible. For years I told myself "it could be worse" and just tried to "be a good wife" while in survival mode taking care of babies up all night sleep deprived.
Told myself that because he never physically hurt me that I was just blowing things out of proportion. I've written about him from other throw away accounts on reddit and people have given me advice that's helped open my eyes to realize that his behavior isn't my fault.
I can't leave for several reasons right now, but I'm doing what I can to assert my independence. Sometimes I second guess myself and wonder if I'm actually just wrong it's confusing at times. He did pick up his machine today but he also was angry about having to do so.
amt-plants said:
Don’t CPAPs need to be dry and cleaned every day otherwise they grow bacteria and can kill you?? My significant other uses one he takes care of it solely. At night when he’s setting it back up before I go to bed(I go to sleep before him) he will always turn down my side of the bed so I can climb right in. 🩵
OP responded:
Yes it's supposed to be however he only cleans it every few months when he replaces the hose.
Kittynizzles said:
Makes me think he doesn't clean his cpap either 😬
OP responded:
He doesn't. At least not very often
Timely_Proposal_1821 said:
NTA - no is a complete answer. No need to argue at length. Although in the case of the CPAP, why don't you shut the door so the cat doesn't enter and teach the kids not to enter that room without asking? For the rest, you can push his shoes away, if he isn't happy that's too bad.
OP responded:
The door is half broken it doesn't stay shut. He keeps saying he will fix it but then he doesn't do it. He also won't allow me to fix the door. I've tried a few times at this point it needs a new frame as the hinges on the bottom no longer connect and the wood is split. The cat can push thru the door when closed.
Also with our second bathroom in the bedroom the children often can't wait to pee if someone else is in the main bathroom so they use the smaller one thru my room. Little kids often leave the door open and I'm not always right there to make sure the cat doesn't get in.