'AITA for refusing to become my stepsister's guardian when my stepdad and mom can't? I already agreed to being my brother's.'
"AITA for refusing to become my stepsister's guardian when my stepdad and mom can't when I already agreed to being my brother's?"
My brother (14) and stepsister (12) both require full time care because of their autism. Both are non verbal. My brother has the ability to do some stuff for himself but he can't ever care for himself and one day he'll need to be placed in a proper facility that can provide care for him.
I (18M) always knew it would fall on me to take over guardianship some day and to make sure he's in a good place and cared for well and to visit. My younger sister (13) has always promised to help me but neither mom or I want it to fall on her. My dad died when my brother and sister were really young so I have always tried to help where I can.
When I was 13 my mom met my stepdad. He had two daughters and his oldest had autism too. She's a lot like my brother but has not got the skills my brother has and she requires a little more care than my brother.
There was a difficulty from the start where my stepdad hated seeing me help with my brother and care for him so well but I never offered to do the same for my stepsister. He would ask and I'd usually say upfront I couldn't go from helping with my brother to my stepsister because I needed to focus on school and I needed down time.
He asked me to choose my stepsister instead of my brother at times and I told him I couldn't do that. He told me his younger daughter (9) is too young to help out and I told him he'd need to figure out an alternative.
At some point he and my mom talked about what would happen to my brother when mom's too sick or dies and they somehow came up with the idea that because I'd take guardianship of my brother that I'd do the same for my stepsister.
I only found out about this when my stepdad mentioned the fact I need to get to know my stepsister better so I can know how to advocate for her better. Because it wouldn't be fair for my brother to get better care because I know him and what he needs.
That's when I was like wth are you talking about and then he brought my mom in and they said they expected me to do it for both. Mom asked me could I honestly just make sure my brother's okay.
I told her yeah because he's my brother and it's a big responsibility that will require me to keep watch over everything and to make sure he's being treated well and staying healthy and will mean being with him when he gets sick and stuff.
My stepdad said I'm perfectly capable of doing it for both when I won't be taking care of them day to day and that it was disgusting that I'd let his daughter rot. I told him I won't let his daughter rot. That if he refuses to find someone else that'll be on him. They're really pissy about it so now I'm wondering AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
You’re not saying you don’t care — you’re saying you know your limits. That’s not selfish, that’s mature.
This is a really big ask to take on one child let alone too. Your mom and your stepdad need to have back up plans for these kids that don't involve you.
NTA. Without your step dad around… talk to your mum. Say “Look I have limited capacity, now and into the future. I know my limits, or am getting to know them. You need to talk to stepdad and come up with a plan for stepsister.
It’s not that I don’t want to help, it’s that I know I won’t be capable of giving either of them a good job if I take both on. If your goal is to have a good out come for them both… get them both their own advocate.
One of them is a lot, two is too much. And FWIW you need a back up anyway… what if something happens to me and I can’t help - a drunk driver totals my life, and then what happens? This is your job as a parent, not just of my brother. But as MY parent… don’t overload me, protect me too.” And then go and leave it to her to handle. Does stepdad not have any family?
ConstantTreacle1157 (OP)
He has a couple of siblings but they have some very sick views on people with disabilities and would dump his daughter wherever and leave her to be treated like garbage. Hell they'd do the same if they had her in their care. They're not very good people.
Your mother's husband has two kids. His second child can take care of the first. Otherwise it is his responsibility to find an alternative. Tell him that you are not taking on anymore responsibility. NTA.
ConstantTreacle1157 (OP)
I have and he's not liking it still. I've done what I can and if he decides to name me against my wishes then he'll have to live with the consequences when I say no to whoever comes for me to take care of her.
NTA. Your household currently has 3 adults that aren't on top of your step sister's care and your mom's husband thinks you can provide care as a single adult. How? He needs to find alternatives that aren't you. What was his plan before he married your mom? Where is your step sister's mom and extended family?
NTA. You already agreed to take on a huge lifelong responsibility for your brother. It’s not fair for your stepdad to expect the same for his daughter just because you’re stepping up for your own family.
NTA, you’re 18 and already doing way more than most for your brother which is honestly amazing. Your stepsister isn’t your responsibility and it’s not wrong to say that. You’ve been clear from the start about your limits and that’s totally fair. This is your life and taking on two full-time guardianships is a lot even if you’re not the one doing day to day care.
Your stepdad trying to guilt trip you is not cool and honestly feels like he’s just avoiding figuring stuff out himself. You’re not being heartless you’re being real. Protect your peace you’ve already done more than enough.