'AITA for refusing to cook a 'separate meal' for my in-laws at Thanksgiving?'
"AITA for refusing to cook a 'separate meal' for my in-laws at Thanksgiving?"
Actual_Cloud1227
I (30F) am hosting Thanksgiving this year for the first time ever. My husband (32M) and I recently bought a house, and we were excited to finally have the space to host a big family event. My in-laws (MIL, 58F, and FIL, 60M) have been critical of me since day one, but I was determined to make this holiday special and hopefully smooth things over.
Here's the issue: My husband and I are pescatarians.
While we don’t expect others to eat the way we do, we don’t cook meat in our house.
For Thanksgiving, I planned a beautiful meal with seafood, lots of veggie dishes, and a few traditional sides like stuffing and mashed potatoes (all meat-free, of course). I also offered to let anyone bring dishes they’d like that I wouldn’t be able to make, and I even borrowed a neighbor’s crockpot so someone could heat up a turkey if they wanted to bring one.
When I shared the menu with my MIL, she immediately blew up. She said Thanksgiving “isn’t Thanksgiving” without a turkey cooked by the host and accused me of being selfish and disrespectful to family traditions.
I calmly explained that I wasn’t comfortable cooking meat in my home but reminded her they were welcome to bring one. She scoffed and said it was "offensive" that I wouldn’t "just get over myself" for one day.
The next day, my FIL called my husband to say that if I didn’t “step up,” they wouldn’t come at all, which would “ruin the family’s holiday.” My husband backed me up and told them that our home, our rules, and they were being unreasonable.
Now, my in-laws are accusing me of being exclusionary, “forcing my beliefs” on others, and disrespecting their family traditions. My husband says they’re being ridiculous, but I can’t help but feel guilty.
I never wanted to create a divide in the family, but I also feel like I should have some boundaries in my own home. AITA for refusing to cook a traditional turkey for Thanksgiving?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
AnonAnontheAnony
NTA. Your house? Your meal card. If they don't like it they can host themselves or if they could come about it a bit more. Respectfully, perhaps they could have even offered to bring their own turkey and make an offering of it so that they have what they wanted, but were able to enjoy what you were providing at the same time. Especially if any kind of a potluck is going to be involved. This is always the answer.
Puzzleheaded_Row6211
NTA. If they are so set on turkey, they can host. They are choosing to come to someone’s home that doesn’t eat meat.
corgihuntress
I don't eat fish or seafood at all. I would still show up with a smile on my face and enjoy all the other stuff because Thanksgiving is about being together and enjoying each other and being thankful for the good things in your life. And if I want turkey, I can make it at home for myself.
Don't feel guilty. Just tell them you're sorry you won't see them and to have an enjoyable holiday. They just want to pick a fight and whatever is going on, they were always going to pick a fight and find you unworthy. Also, I haven't served a traditional holiday dinner in years. I went off script a long long time ago. I serve whatever I feel like. Nobody complains. NTA.
LoveBeach8
NTA. Please do not let them make you feel guilty. You and your husband are doing nothing wrong. It's YOUR home, not anyone else's. When you invite people to your home, they always have a choice to accept or decline.
They can decline but they don't get to be disrespectful. A turkey doesn't make Thanksgiving. Family and friends being together sharing a meal or even just a glass of water and each other's company makes Thanksgiving.
ETA: From now on, let your husband deal with his family. You don't need them crapping all over you.
1962Michael
NTA. It's your house, your rules. So you're not an AH for planning to host a meat-free dinner. But they are also not the AH for wanting a traditional Thanksgiving meal on Thanksgiving, including turkey. And yes it is also a tradition (and practical) for the host to cook the turkey.
A large bird will take many hours to cook, and it's obviously the least portable dish. But MIL is AH for being "offended" and telling you to "get over yourself." Clearly this has less to do with the menu per se and more to do with "Respecting Traditional Values."
Sue323464
Sorry but a host’s responsibility is to make their guests feel comfortable. Many grocery stores and deli’s will fix a Thanksgiving dinner that is inexpensive that you can pick up and serve to those relatives. You might want to rethink your stand and cater to your guests.
Rohini_rambles
Y T A to yourself if you think these two old people are going to magically change and start liking you. You're further the AH to yourself for feelings any sort of responsibility for "creating a divide". Please learn that you aren't responsible for how other people act or how they think.
You and your husband have every right to do what makes you comfortable at gome. It's one meal. They have options. Please work on the somewhat desperate need you have to get these people to like you. You're good enough as you are.