'AITA for refusing to cut my son's hair so he can be ring bearer in my BIL's wedding?'

"Am I wrong for refusing to cut my son’s hair for my BIL’s wedding?"

I honestly feel like I’m losing my mind. My 26F and my husband 28M have been going back and forth with my BIL (M29) and his fiancé (29F). Recently, my BIL, will call him Mike, proposed to his girlfriend, Lacey. Mike asked my husband to be his best man, which he accepted. He also asked if my son, who is one year old, to be one of their ring bearers.

My husband and I discussed and agreed to him being the ring bearer. Everything was fine until a few weeks ago. Mike called my husband and asked him if we would be getting my son’s hair cut for their wedding, which is this August. My husband said no, as his hair is not unruly and we are waiting to get his first hair cut.

His hair is curly, and covers his forehead, but it isn’t excessively long and we keep it clean and brushed, if that matters. Mike hung up and we thought that was the end of it. We even laughed at the silliness of the request. One week later, Mike calls again and says that Lacey is insisting that we get his haircut. Again, their wedding is over 4 months away.

We again said no, that we were going to wait until my son gets older. We said that unless it starts to bother my son or it gets hard to manage, we were not going to get it cut. We assured him that it would be clean and look good if they were worried about the pictures. Mike got upset and I asked if I could call Lacey to talk through any concerns she may have with the hair.

He got even more upset and said that I had to ask him before I talked with Lacey about anything. Then they (he and Lacey) would discuss if it was OK for me to talk to her or not. I was flabbergasted at this comment, why would I need to ask permission to talk to my soon-to-be SIL, and why is my son’s hair such a big deal??

For some necessary background, I don’t dislike Lacey. She is very naive and I feel as though Mike pushes her around and blames things on her. She goes along with it because she wants to be married. When they were visiting for a few days a few months before he proposed, I asked if Mike was her first boyfriend, which he was, and I told her that I was always there if she ever wanted to talk or had any questions.

I know that I am younger, but I have, unfortunately, a lot more experience with relationships and have been married for 3 years. She was very appreciative and thanked me. After that, though, Mike got upset and said I needed to tell him what I was going to talk to her about before I talked to her. He also didn’t like that he wasn’t around when I talked to her.

I guess I just need advice on if it is reasonable for them to ask us to cut our son’s hair for their wedding? I have no idea if Lacey is asking to cut my son’s hair, or if Mike is. I also have no idea if Lacey is even aware that Mike asked this. Also, should I do anything about the whole situation about needing permission to talk to Lacey?

My husband is completely on my side and is willing to pull my son out of the wedding and himself if that is what I want to do. I don’t want to create drama, but I am honestly shocked at this. My MIL, who has always been very reasonable and welcoming to me, doesn’t want to get in the middle because she is afraid if she does that Mike will not come to see her.

Any advice or thoughts is helpful. My husband and I have already tried talking to Mike about concerns before he proposed, but nothing has come from it. Mike lives 2.5 hours away so it is not like we can just go there.

What do you think? AITA? Any advice? This is what top commenters had to say:

TaylorMade2566 said:

Mike sounds controlling and abusive. What does your husband say about his behavior? Is this normal with his past gf's? Frankly, I'd just pull my child from the wedding and let them know that his hair seems to be a contentious point and you don't want to cause them stress so you're giving them enough time to find a new ring bearer. I feel for your soon to be SIL, he's going to continue to isolate her.

MedicineConscious728 said:

He’s a control freak and she wants a wedding, but she’s going to get a marriage , which will be miserable.

ConstantThought6 said:

NTA, that’s controlling. Tell him he can find a different ring bearer if it bothers him that much, he can have control of his day but not other people’s bodies.

Traditional-Ad2319 said:

Obviously you're soon to be brother-in-law is really really controlling. And I wouldn't be surprised if he's the one having a problem about your son's hair. My response to him regarding your son's hair is no we're not cutting it do not ask us again. I think the biggest issue though is his controlling of this poor woman he's about to marry.

And I would completely ignore him when he tells you you need permission to talk to her. That is complete BS and if you go along with it you're just helping him to be controlling.

OP responded:

The hair is a no go, we have made that clear. I completely agree about the controlling aspect, I have tried to talk to Lacey in the past. My husband has told my BIL that he is being manipulative , and he will tell me that he is concerned that he is abusing her naivety. When husband talks to Mike, he brushes it off. When I have talked to Lacey in the past, she has been very kind. But she will not disagree with Mike.

She seems to be afraid that he will leave her. I think this because I used to be like that with previous boyfriends. I would try to change my personality and desires to be more aligned with what they were looking for. He has threatened to end things with her when she does something he doesn’t like. She always ends up apologizing.

steelemyheart2011 said:

No, you aren't wrong, but honestly, I can't say I'd sit by and support a wedding knowing this guy is so controlling that's going to be a no from me.

Seaweed8888 said:

You need to talk to FSIL alone. Make sure she is ok. Mike is something. She needs to run. No, you are not wrong in refusing to cut your sons hair.

OP responded:

I talked with her before she accepted his proposal. I didn’t say she should reconsider, but I shared my own experience with possessive boyfriends (I didn’t call him possessive, I just shared personal experiences I had and what I learned).

She thanked me for sharing and then told my BIL word-for-word all of my personal history without asking me. I think she did this because she was afraid he would break up with her if she didn’t.