'AITA for refusing to get rid of my dog for my step-daughter who has a phobia of dogs?' UPDATED

"AITA for not getting rid of my dog for my dog-phobic stepdaughter?"

My husband and I have a modern Brady Bunch with my two kids, his daughter, and our child together. My two are early elementary school, our child together is a year old, and his daughter is 15. His daughter only comes around in the summer, and due to...things, this is her first summer visit since her father and I got together. She's a very good kid, gets good grades.

The only issue is that his daughter has a deep fear and disgust around one thing and one thing only, dogs. I was told that there was a general culture against dogs where she was raised, but that culture intensified when there was a tragedy a few years ago involving dogs and some neighbor children. My husband's daughter saw the entire thing, and it stuck with her.

I have a 6 year old golden retriever who my kids and I love dearly. I was worried that it could be a problem, but my husband told me it wasn't a problem because it "wasn't the same kind of dog" and "she could be polite about it". It took about 4 hours. The day she landed, we came home from dinner and then suddenly hear screaming coming from upstairs.

It sounded like an emergency, so we rushed in, and it was because a few dog hairs had gotten on her clothes from Auggie walking through the room. She spent hours freaking out over it. She ran everything she got through the wash 3 full times, using an entire container of oxyclean in the process, and deep cleaned the entire room.

We obviously did everything possible to prevent Auggie from going near her room after that and always kept the door closed, but it only got worse from there. She refused to sit on the living room furniture because it was "dirty", obsessively vacuumed anywhere he could have been until I hid the vacuum, and jumped back and screamed any time that he could have gotten near her.

It was very clear that something not good was going to happen if they continued living together, so we found an airbnb down the street solely for her and split time there. It was incredibly expensive but worked for the summer and allowed for some normal visit time.

We absolutely can NOT afford to do that again for 3 more summers. My husband now wants to get rid of the dog because he thinks it's unfair to his daughter to be "kicked out of her home" anyway even if we did have the money. I will NOT get rid of Auggie. He's part of the family.

I love him, and the children that are all here more than her love and are bonded to him. It's not fair to them to get rid of him for a part-time child. We've been arguing about this for days now and now his mom and his ex-wife are involved because of this affects his daughter. They're all saying I don't love his daughter and am playing favorites. I don't think I am.

What do you think? AITA if she refuses to get rid of her dog? This is what commenters had to say:

forcryingoutmeow said:

NTA. Keep your sweet pup and insist on therapy for the kid. Living life scared of dogs is no way to live. This kid doesn't even live with you. They're just a visitor. You'd do more harm to the children who do live with you and are bonded to Auggie if you rehomed him.

OP responded:

Therapy is a new concept for both of her parents and their backgrounds. Her mom didn't think it was necessary because she also believes dogs are something dirty to be avoided at all costs.

Her father did try, but the first therapist was so bad that it was counterproductive. It was less than a year after the incident. The therapist wanted to diagnose her with OCD before ever meeting her, which was already a bad sign, but it had to be cut short when the therapist brought his own dog as "exposure therapy" for the first session involving her.

Both families still talk about it and now the attitude about therapy is only negative.

crazycatlady45325 said:

NTA and her parents need to get her therapy ASAP. This is extreme behavior. She is not over the trauma of what happened.

OP responded:

They've tried. It was so bad that it made things worse.

tcrhs said:

YTA for calling her “a part time child.” She is still your husband’s child 100% of the time whether she lives there daily or not. As a step-parent, that really rubbed me the wrong way. What happened with the tragedy?

If she witnessed something deeply traumatic with dogs, she can’t be expected to live with a dog. I get it, because I am terrified of pit bulls due to childhood trauma. There is no way in Hell I could ever stay in a home with a pit bull, and I am an adult. It’s unreasonable to expect a teenager to magically get over that without some intensive therapy.

The best solution if at all possible is to have a friend or relative to take the dog while she’s there. If that is completely impossible, then someone needs to work two jobs if necessary to afford either boarding the dog or the airb&b.

Logical-Wasabi7402 said:

NTA. But you should encourage him to get her evaluated for OCD. Being so disgusted by a pet that you have to vacuum constantly is not healthy or normal.

And scarlett-carson said:

Oh YTA but not for the reason you’ve asked. You can’t come on here in humble brag about your magical blended Brady Bunch family and then get all while she doesn’t even live here. She’s part of your family. I’m not saying that you have to get rid of the dog, But you absolutely need to learn some empathy and you are very much playing favorites which is frankly unacceptable.

She later shared this update:

I really wish I could give a better update, but this is what it is. I've gotten some headway on the idea of therapy, but it's almost a moot point because we need a permanent solution NOW, not a gradual solution over years.

I just found out why he's been making this seem so urgent right now and is only pushing to get rid of the dog entirely. Long story short, his ex-wife's household has been falling apart for familial reasons that have nothing to do with the daughter for a while, and now it's fully happening. Never mind next summer, she needs a new primary household in the immediate.

As it is now, she can't live with us, so they're having her stay with the children of some family friends while we "get this resolved". They're in college, but have an off-campus apartment so they can do it, and we are financially helping that for now, but it's obviously not a good look for any of the parents or what any of us besides her wants to happen.

The daughter doesn't mind because she does know and like these people, but it's really not appropriate at all. Even if his ex paid some level of child support, we can't afford separate long-term housing, and if we separated, we would have to sell the house, and all end up in places that are too small and much more expensive.

I'd be moving my kids to yet another school after I promised them I wouldn't. I'm not even sure that I could find a place that would allow dogs anyway.

In short: The situation is more dire than I was told, and we need a permanent solution now. We don't have the time I thought we did to work on anything or do anything gradually.