Family shuns women when she refuses to be surrogate for her infertile cousin. AITA?
"AITA for refusing to carry and give birth to my cousin’s child, and now my family is mad at me?"
I (28F) am caught in a family drama that feels straight out of a soap opera, and I need outside perspectives. Here’s the deal: My cousin “Leah” (32F) has been trying to have a child for years. After multiple heartbreaking miscarriages and failed IVF treatments, she and her husband were told that Leah likely wouldn’t be able to carry a pregnancy to term.
Leah was devastated. She’s always dreamed of being a mom, and the news has been a huge emotional blow. She started looking into surrogacy but quickly realized how expensive it is. That’s when my aunt (Leah’s mom) suggested that I could be the solution.
At first, it was framed as a casual question “Would you ever consider helping Leah have a baby?” I thought they were joking and laughed it off. But then Leah and my aunt sat me down and explained how much it would mean to them if I agreed to carry their child.
They said it was a “small sacrifice for family” and assured me they’d cover all medical costs. I was completely blindsided. I told them I needed time to think, but honestly, my gut reaction was no. I don’t want to be pregnant.
I’ve never wanted kids myself, and the thought of going through pregnancy and childbirth, even for someone else, feels deeply uncomfortable to me. When I told Leah and my aunt that I couldn’t do it, all hell broke loose.
Leah started crying, saying I was selfish and didn’t care about her pain. My aunt called me ungrateful and said I should “repay” the family for all the support they’ve given me over the years.
For context, my family has helped me financially in the past, like when they chipped in for my college tuition. Since then, word has spread through the family, and now I’m being bombarded with calls and messages.
Some relatives think I’m heartless for refusing and keep telling me how much Leah has suffered. Others are more subtle but clearly think I should “do the right thing” and help her.
Even my mom is on their side. She told me she’s “disappointed” in me and that she raised me better than to turn my back on family. My dad is the only one who’s somewhat supportive, saying it’s my body and my choice, but he’s staying out of the drama.
I feel terrible for Leah I really do. I can’t imagine the pain of not being able to have the child you’ve always wanted. But at the same time, I don’t think it’s fair to ask me to sacrifice my body and mental health for something I don’t want to do. Now I’m questioning everything. Am I being selfish? Should I have at least tried to help her? Or is my family putting unfair expectations on me? AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
This has been posted many times before, but it’s usually the older sister. First time I’ve seen the cousin. You can’t be a surrogate for your first pregnancy. The only viable people that can be selected are mothers who had no issues with the first pregnancy. Maybe change it up before you post it again.
One of the prerequisites for being a surrogate is that you have to already have carried a baby to term. So I don't think you would even qualify. Tell them you changed your mind. Talk with the Dr's honestly about how you feel and the dr will tell them you don't qualify as a surrogate.
NTA. You're under no obligation to carry someone else's child. It's your body, not theirs. No matter how upset they are.
Rude-Teach-1812 (OP)
I agree with you totally! My body my choice and I don't feel comfortable carrying somebody's child even if it's my cousin's.
No, you are not the AH. Basically the family is saying the only reason you were born is so they could use your uterus. Block em, don’t talk to them. Find some peace for yourself. Best of Luck.
NTA. If she wants a child...there are so, SO many children out in the world who want and need to be adopted. If they're going to be too cheap to go through surrogacy...then, too bad. It's insane to think they would even seriously consider asking you, honestly.
If she doesn't want to pay the high fees it means you'd be asked to get pregnant the old fashioned way. No clinic would let you act as a surrogate as you haven't birthed a full term child and are being coerced. Also, not going through a clinic, your cousin and husband would have to adopt your child. Cut off every family member that thinks this is okay.
NTA. They aren’t asking you to babysit for a weekend. They are asking you to put your body through 9 months of strain, with potential health risks. Any “financial sacrifice” they made to help you through college is irrelevant; there was no prior agreement for any future maternal services. (not a doctor and not a woman)
NTA. And make sure they are aware that most, if not all reputable doctors won’t even accept you because you haven’t had any successful pregnancies. That is generally a pre-requisite for surrogacy. So even if you wanted to, it is highly unlikely you could. And just because you MIGHT be able to carry a healthy baby to term, it doesn’t mean you owe that to anyone. Period!