"AITA for refusing to give my girlfriend $8?"
This morning, I (23M) was driving my girlfriend (21F) back to her apartment before heading to work. Lately, both of us have been going through a rough patch financially, but it’s been hitting me especially hard this month. I even cut up all my credit cards to avoid falling back on them when money runs out.
Just the other day, we were joking about how we were both in the negatives in our checking accounts. Last night, her dad kindly gave her $70, and we went grocery shopping together.
While she was paying, I pulled out my wallet to see if I could pitch in. I had $8 in cash, and before I could hand it over, she had already swiped her card. I mentioned that I was going to help, and she just said, “We’ll worry about it later.”
Flash forward to this morning—she brought it up again and asked for the $8. That’s when it hit me: since I cut my cards, that $8 is literally all I have until payday at the end of the month.
That’s my grocery money, gas money—everything. So I told her, a bit sheepishly, “That’s all I’ve got left,” thinking that would be enough to pause the conversation. But she pushed back, saying, “You were going to give it to me last night, I don’t understand.”
That kind of shocked me. I’ve helped her out a lot recently—$450 toward rent, $100 for gas, and $190 to help file her taxes. So hearing her push so hard for the $8 felt... off. It rubbed me the wrong way, and I snapped. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but it turned into an argument.
I tried to suggest tabling the conversation until after work, since we only had five minutes left in the drive and I knew we were just getting more heated. But she insisted we keep talking. Sure enough, things escalated.
I dropped her off, and in frustration, I said something along the lines of, “Go ahead, go into your apartment and take your nap—I’ll go to work and make the money,” right before she slammed the door. I know I shouldn't have said that. I was being an ahole in that moment.
She later texted me saying I’m taking my stress out on her, interrupting her when she’s trying to talk, and that I haven’t apologized. And honestly, I do feel like I owe her an apology for the rude things I said and how I said them. But at the same time, I don’t think my core feelings are wrong. It really seemed like she felt entitled to that $8, and it felt like she wasn’t seeing that.
Here's what people had to say about this one:
SomeoneYouDontKnow70 said:
ESH. You're not obligated to give her money when you're struggling, but she's understandably confused when you had already offered to give her the money in question. Next time, think before you spend. This mentality is going to drive you deeper into debt.
Why are you paying $190 to file her taxes if you're both broke? You can literally file for free online if your income is low enough. I guarantee that someone who has trouble scrounging the money together for rent can easily fill out their tax form without having to waste $200 so that someone can copy 10 values over from their W-2 to their 1040. Both of you need to think more and spend less.
kurokomainu said:
ESH. She sounds petty or thoughtless for still hassling you for the money even after you explained that it's all you've got left -- but if it rubbed you the wrong way that she asked for your last few bucks even after all you've spent lately on her to help her out, you should have spelled that out for her and kept your cool. Your point was right, but by "being an ahole" in the moment you lost the high ground.
Jocelyn-1973 said:
NAH, because lack of money is incredibly stressful. But a question for you: are you really quite sure you can afford this relationship right now? Shouldn't the both of you focus on getting your things in order?
midcen-mod1018 said:
ESH, and y’all need to learn how to budget. I’m not coming from a “stop eating avocado toast so you can afford a mortgage,” perspective, but a “why the fuck are you paying almost $750 for her stuff and only leaving $8 for the next 2 weeks?!”
You aren’t married or cohabitating, you don’t mention children. If things are really that hard for you, you can’t afford to be helping her. There may not be much left after necessities are paid. But $28 is more than $8.
Infinite_Slide_5921 said:
ESH or NAH, take your pick, but here is an idea: you two are both broke and don't live together, so stop mixing finances. It's absurd that you help her with gas and taxes and then you have no money to buy groceries, just as it is for her to be buying you groceries when she has to take money from her father to afford her own.
And it's not as if it's the both of you are chipping in to help the other, you are arguing and resentful. So, get your finances in order separately and agree that you won't be giving each other money, and anything you buy for the other is a gift.
Ok-Trainer3150 said:
Sounds like a mess from which you guys need a break. Time to step back and focus on your own well being and finances and get out of the hole you're in. Relationships get crushed under financial tension and before yours gets really nasty, you need a break. Have you taken advantage of credit counseling?
You mentioned cutting up credit cards but that is not always a blanket recommendation. See if you can access free credit counseling and financial planning. Your girlfriend doesn't sound like the most financially healthy person either and that's not a good combo.
You can lose years of your life's potential and fall behind where you should be. One big recommendation: please please do not get your girlfriend or any other woman pregnant. It could easily happen and make your situation dire.