'AITA for refusing to have any contact with my late husband's affair child?'
"AITA for refusing to have any contact with my late husband's affair child?"
7 years ago, my husband passed away. Few months after he passed away, a 15 year old teenager came to my house. She revealed that she was his daughter. His name isn't in her birth certificate but he really stepped up after he found that her mom died when she was 10. She went to live with her grandmother and my husband paid her grandmother each month to help with the expenses.
After my husband died, the payments stopped and her grandmother threw her out. After being homeless for a couple of weeks, she came to my house.
This was a pretty big shock to me and I cannot stress how much I didn't want this person in my house. At the same time, I couldn't leave a child homeless. So I told her that I would help her and give her a place to stay. I also warned her that I only want to help her out and that I am not taking any maternal role and she shouldn't expect me to. She agreed.
She stayed at my house from the years of 15-18. My kid had already gone off to college and I didn't mind. I never acted on the resentment I felt but at the same time I refused to do anything that could be considered "parent-like". (I pretty much only provided her with food and gave her a place to stay. That's it.)
She left when she was 18. I didn't have any contact with her after she left. She is now 20 and she contacted me recently. She wanted to connect and she told me that I am the only mother figure she has. She wanted to bond with me and she wanted me to consider her a daughter to me.
After some contemplation, I reminded her that it wasn't a role I was willing to take and that it was something I warned about very early on. I helped her because she needed it, not because I loved her. She cried and told me that it wasn't fair and I wasn't giving her a chance. The thing is I don't think I have to.( I have tried refusing politely but she keeps pushing this and I am about to block her everywhere.)
My kid (who has always refused to even talk to the girl) thinks I am right. My friends are divided on this issue. AITA here?
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
titsxmcgee said:
NAH. Except for your late husband. He really did drop something on you. My ex has a lovechild of his own (I'll say, for legal reasons, allegedly). If I were in your shoes, I would have made the same choices. I wouldn't have bonded with my husband's lovechild, but I wouldn't have left her on the streets.
I can understand her hurt, but if you can't find it in you to want to bond with her, then why force it? Would she have to force a bond with you, if you wanted it and she didn't want to?
an edit, because this blew up: I addressed it in a reply to a comment nested underneath, but the grandmother’s also an AH. Big time for sure.
Terrorizza said:
NAH...you are not her mother. Although I do want to point out that it wasn’t realistic of you to expect a 15 year old orphan not to get emotionally attached to you when you were the only “family” she had left, and you chose to open your home to her.
You could consider taking on the role of an aunt or an older friend. There is a middle ground between being her mother and going no contact, and she isn’t at fault here either.
[deleted] said:
NAH, but you could have said almost anything besides "I helped you because you needed it, not because I love you" to a 20 year old who has no other discernable family to have any connection with. That was unnecessarily cruel.
I would also perhaps challenge you to examine whether you actually "never acted on your resentment". I'm not saying you need to have any sort of relationship with her, but from the tone of this post I find it hard to believe she wasn't extremely clear on how you felt.
And borkulthebreast said:
YTA. If you can’t provide a child with all of their needs—affection is a NEED for child development—then don’t take them in. You purposefully invited an already traumatized child into a home knowing you were going to neglect her. That’s evil.
And Lozzif said:
I was ready to vote N T A because you don’t owe her but you DID accept her. An orphaned 15 year old. And somehow despite having her in her home for 3 years never developed a shread of compassion for her. Any kindness. Any fondness.
And when she told you she loved you and saw you as a mother figure went ‘sucks to be you, I don’t love you’. YTA. In a massive way. Congrats on being the evil person in this story to most who hear it.
Who do you agree with?