'AITA for refusing to help my sister financially after she cut me off for years?'
"AITA for refusing to help my sister financially after she cut me off for years?"
Ill-Party3925
I (32F) grew up with a close-knit family, especially with my older sister Anna (36F). We were inseparable throughout our childhood and teenage years. Anna was always my protector, my confidante, and my best friend.
When our parents divorced when I was 15, it was Anna who helped me through it. She was my rock, and I thought nothing could ever come between us. We shared everything, and I looked up to her in so many ways.
However, things started to change when Anna met Mike (37M). Mike seemed nice at first, but over time, I noticed a shift. He was always a bit controlling, and he didn’t seem to like me very much.
At family gatherings, he’d make passive-aggressive comments about my lifestyle or career choices. When I was in college, studying art and design, he’d always mock my “useless degree,” saying I’d never make a living off it. Anna would laugh along or say nothing, and I figured she just didn’t want to get involved.
After they got married about 10 years ago, it became clear that Mike wanted to separate Anna from her family. He didn’t outright say it, but little things piled up. Suddenly, they were too busy to meet up, and Anna stopped answering my texts and calls as frequently.
At first, I thought maybe they were just adjusting to married life. But over the years, it became more and more evident that Anna was drifting away. I’d invite her to coffee, to family dinners, to anything, and she’d always have an excuse—“I’m busy,” “Mike and I are working through some things,” “Maybe next time.”
About five years ago, Anna just stopped communicating altogether. No explanation. No fight. Just silence. I was devastated. I tried reaching out several times, leaving voicemails and sending messages, but nothing. It was like she vanished from my life. I eventually stopped trying because it was too painful. I’d hear updates about her through our mom, but even my parents had minimal contact with her.
During this time, I worked hard to build my career. Despite Mike’s dismissive attitude toward my degree, I actually did really well in the design field. I started my own business, which grew quickly, and I’m now financially stable. I’m not rich, but I’m comfortable, and I’ve been proud of the life I’ve built for myself.
Then, about two months ago, out of the blue, Anna called me. I was shocked but happy to hear from her. For a brief moment, I thought maybe she wanted to reconnect, to apologize, or at least explain why she cut me off for all those years.
But the conversation quickly turned into something else. Anna and Mike were having serious financial problems. Mike had lost his job, and they were struggling to pay their mortgage and bills. She said they’d tried getting help from other family members, but no one could afford to help them out.
Anna asked me for a loan, not a small one either—she was talking thousands of dollars. She said they were desperate, and if they didn’t get help soon, they could lose their house. I told her I needed time to think about it and hung up.
Honestly, I felt conflicted. On one hand, she’s my sister, and I know she’s in a tough spot. On the other hand, I can’t ignore the fact that she abandoned me when I needed her the most.
For years, she acted like I didn’t exist, and now the only reason she’s talking to me is because she needs money? I couldn't help but feel used. It hurt that there was no apology or acknowledgment of what she’d done. It was all about her problems and what I could do for her.
I talked to some friends about it, and opinions were mixed. Some said, "She’s family, you should help her, even if she was distant before." Others told me that I shouldn’t feel obligated to bail her out, especially considering how she treated me for all those years. One of my close friends pointed out that helping her financially might not even fix the problem if Mike is still in control of their decisions.
After thinking it over for a few days, I called Anna back and told her that I wasn’t comfortable lending her the money, especially since we hadn’t been in contact for so long. I told her that I was hurt by the way she cut me out of her life, and it didn’t feel right for me to just jump in now and help when she hadn’t shown any interest in maintaining our relationship.
Anna didn’t take it well. She said I was being petty and vindictive. She accused me of punishing her for something that happened years ago and said I was letting her family suffer just to “prove a point.”
She even said that I was lucky to be in a good financial position and that I didn’t understand what it was like to struggle. That hurt the most, because I’ve had my fair share of struggles, too, but I’ve worked hard to get where I am. Now, my parents are involved. They think I should help Anna, even if it’s just a loan. They say she’s still my sister and that family should come first.
But I can’t shake the feeling that if I give her the money, I’m just enabling the same behavior that led her to cut me off in the first place. I don’t know if I’ll ever see that money again, and part of me feels like she’ll go back to ignoring me once they’re financially stable again.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
meadow_chef
NTA - first, her alienation of you might be something that happened years ago, but it was ongoing until she reached out to you. It’s not like she slept with your boyfriend in 2015 and you’ve had a decade to get over it. Second, who’s to say that after you give her this large amount of money she won’t go silent again?
I would say talk to her and ask why she cut you off but I expect she would just give a lot of excuses and nothing of substance. I would remind her of how Mike disparaged you continuously, how she went NC for no apparent reason and double down that you won’t be giving her this money. Because, let’s be realistic, it won’t be a loan. You won’t see that money again.
mcmurrml
You are exactly right. Mike made fun of OP getting a "useless degree" but they want the fruits of it. I agree. OP would never see that money and probably her sister as well.
heartygoldie
You're not the asshole for refusing to help your sister financially. She cut you off for years without any explanation or apology, and now, when she's in need, it's understandable that you'd feel hurt and reluctant to offer financial support without any acknowledgment of your pain.
FitOrFat-1999
NTA. Your last 2 sentences sum up the situation perfectly. Give her the money and you won't hear from.Anna again, and you'll never see that money again. You just don't know her anymore, sad to say. The only way I would loan anyone money under these circumstances (assuming you could afford it) is insisting the house be collateral. That way you'd get it back when they lose the house, which they most probably will.