'AITA for refusing to help my sister financially after she cut me off when she got married?'
"AITA for refusing to help my sister financially after she cut me off when she got married?"
KittyDemonSaw
Alright, this might get long, but I need some unbiased opinions here. I (32M) have a younger sister, Sarah (28F). We were super close growing up, especially after our mom passed away when I was 18 and she was just 14.
Our dad was in the picture but was always distant, and after mom died, I became more of a guardian for Sarah. I helped her through school, took care of her, and even paid for her college tuition with my own savings and scholarships. I never regretted it – she was my only family, and I was happy to do what I could.
Things started to change about three years ago, when Sarah met her now-husband, Tom (31M). In the beginning, he seemed nice enough. Sarah was totally smitten, and I was genuinely happy for her.
We all got along, and when they got engaged, I was thrilled. She asked me to be her "man of honor," and I threw myself into planning, organizing, and footing the bill for a lot of little extras for the wedding.
The wedding itself was beautiful, and I was so proud to be there supporting her. But right after they got married, things started feeling... different. They bought a house in a new city, and slowly but surely, she just stopped reaching out.
Calls and texts from her became less frequent. I didn’t even know where she was working, and anytime I tried to make plans, she either had a reason she couldn’t or said she’d “check with Tom.” Eventually, months would go by with nothing but a quick “Happy Birthday” or “Merry Christmas” text.
I even confronted her once, asking if I’d done something wrong or if Tom had an issue with me. She assured me I hadn’t, but said something vague about “focusing on her marriage” and “establishing boundaries.”
I’ll admit, it stung, but I figured maybe this was just how things were going to be now. Maybe she needed her space, and I was trying not to be the “clingy big brother” or whatever.
Then last month, she called me out of the blue, practically in tears. She said she and Tom were facing a lot of financial issues. She hinted that Tom had been laid off from his job, and that they were struggling to keep up with mortgage payments, credit card debt, and other bills. She asked if I could lend them $5,000 to help cover their expenses until Tom could find work again.
Now, here’s where I might be the jerk: I told her I couldn’t do it. But the truth is, I actually can afford to help them out. I just… didn’t want to. I was hurt that she had completely ghosted me for years and only got back in touch when she needed money. I told her this directly – that I’d always been there for her, but it felt like she only wanted me in her life when it was convenient for her.
Her reaction was immediate. She started crying harder, saying I was being cold and selfish, and that “family should always be there for each other no matter what.” I reminded her that I’d been there for her for years – emotionally, financially, whatever she needed – but that lately, it seemed like she didn’t consider me family unless she needed something.
Sarah then told me I didn’t understand how hard it was to “start a new life” with someone, and that I had no idea the kind of pressure they were under. I tried to be calm, but I asked her how she thought it made me feel to be left out of her “new life.” She told me I was guilt-tripping her and trying to make her feel bad, and that a “good brother” would help her without asking for anything in return.
We ended the call on a really tense note. She texted me a few days later, saying she was disappointed in me and that she had thought I was “better than this.” I haven’t responded, but the guilt has been eating away at me.
My friends are split. Some say I’m well within my rights to refuse, especially after she cut me out of her life. Others think I’m being too harsh, especially since I was kind of a father figure to her for so many years. They think I should just let the past go and help her out.
It’s tearing me up because I do love her. I just don’t know if I can overlook the way she treated me – as if I’m just a backup plan when things go wrong in her life. So, AITA for refusing to help my sister financially after she basically cut me off?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Trailsya
NTA. Let her rot in it. If you do give her the money, you will never get it back. She will ghost you again until she needs more and she will ghost you even harder when you ask for the money back. She's entitled af, so she doesn't see it as a loan.
If you ask for it back she will ghost/cry about you having to do it for family. Instead, give a hundred dollars (or more) to a good charity. That is money wayyyy better spent than on her. The friends talking about father figure are dumb af. If they feel so sorry for her, tell them they can pay.
pabeinstein
tell her to continue "focusing on her marriage" and "establishing boundaries" then sleep like a baby. you already did your part as a big brother. tell her to continue with her "new life" energy.
NanaLeonie
NTA but in your place, I’d be concerned that this Tom guy has isolated her and is now coercing her to get funds out of you. This ‘hinting’ that her husband lost his job is suspect, imho.
goddess_evelynXO
NTA. You supported her for years, but she cut you off and only came back needing money. Family support should go both ways.
ThisEnvironment6627
NTA just block her cuz she’s a leech. She didn’t think “family” when she ghosted you and dipped lmao. If anyone says anything give them her number and say feel free to send her money.