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'AITA for refusing to host in-laws for Christmas?'

'AITA for refusing to host in-laws for Christmas?'

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"AITA for refusing to host in-laws for Christmas?"

I’m 26(F) married happily to 30(M). We bought a 4 bedroom, 3 bath house in 2023 close to Christmas and as a holiday gesture, my husband asked if we could host his entire family which includes -mum, dad, 2 sisters and their partners, 4 nephews - for Christmas. They would stay 4/5 nights , spend Christmas and leave on Boxing Day.

Relevant back story: None of them live in town and all live about 5-8 hours drive away from us in a remote town. In previous years, Christmas was hosted at his parents or grandma’s place with other extended family members(aunties and uncles). 2023 was the first time all the members of his family could be under one roof and celebrate.

I was strongly opposed because I just didn’t want to host 10 people for 3 nights. I’m a huge introvert and don’t even want to be around my own family /friends that much. I also didn’t want to set a precedent and have it become an expectation going forward.

I grudgingly accepted as a one time thing and everyone seemed to have a blast. Adults had the rooms, kids slept on a pike in the den. I planned food menus, activities for all 3 days. Everyone pitched in and helped especially with the Christmas dinner and there were no major incidents. However, I was still extremely relieved when they left.

Fast forward to this year and we have been asked about our plans and if we can host this year but we both work Christmas Day. Although he’s told them ‘no’ for now, my husband is already insinuating to me he would like to host them for next year. I’m putting my foot down because I’m not setting a precedent to house and host every alternate year.

My husband is making me feel like I don’t understand the point of Christmas and it’s supposed to be with family even if it’s slightly inconvenient. I have suggested everyone getting a hotel and just having Christmas Day gifts and dinner here but he feels we have the space to have everyone over.

I would even be okay with maybe every 5-7 yrs but not every 2nd year but he wants it often so ‘it becomes a tradition ‘. I know he’s not going to throw me under the bus and if I don’t agree, he’ll be the one to tell them no. I just don’t want to commit to something this big every other year. AITA?

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:

Yta. It’s your husbands house aswell. You said it yourself they helped out it wasn’t a major issue. You’re letting your own issues get in the way of your husbands happiness. There needs to be a compromise. It hasn’t been every year it’s once every other year and you’re still against it. Marriage is about compromise but it’s only when it’s for yourself and not your husband.

NAH. You have different experiences being around people and need to find a compromise. I understand why he wants to be around family during the holidays, and to make the most of it.

You don't get the same immersive experience when you only have people over for one meal, it's completely different from being able to strike up a casual conversation, lounge around playing cards, or have an impromptu outing.

But I also understand why you want alone time. Like you, I need a certain amount of solitude or I get stressed and short-tempered. Being around that many people for longer than a weekend would be extremely unpleasant for me.

It seems like there are two reasonable options which can meet both of your needs. One, the family gets a large rental property for the duration, where they can all interact unlike in a hotel.

You and your husband can join, but you can go back home when you need personal space. Two, they stay at your place, and you get yourself a nice room at a BnB and do your own thing, and return to the house when you want to join in an event.

NTA. I think this is a personality introvert/extrovert or 'way you grew up' clash. Some families like big noisy Christmases, some people have quite smaller ones. I'm guessing your husband falls into the first camp.

I think once every second year is too much and you could compromise on one every three, one for his family, one for yours (or to free you up to travel) and one just by yourselves. Or maybe extend it out to other members of the family.

I would be very wary of getting locked into an obligation this early. If he sets up an every second year thing now, you will have much less flexibility in the future should you want to do different things with your time. Never say never, but have a proper conversation with him about this.

NAH. As an introvert myself - I get it. But taking it turns is very reasonable especially if a christmas like that is what makes it special for your partner. He shouldn't have to go without but it's not unreasonable for you to dislike it. Alternating is the only solution. Unless you get him to include a christmas abroad option in the mix too.

Compromise is key. So maybe not every other year but every 3 years. Also, instead of 3 days its a 2 day stay. If/when you all have kids this holiday will be more about them, and you might want to have extended family come to you instead of doing a long road trip or flight with babies in tow.

I also think you should not have to be expected to cook and be the go to host. He can step in and take on these duties. Its not only his traditions that matter, but yours as well.

YTA. Marriage is compromise, introversion doesn't give you final say. Every other year is not a bad compromise. If he's an extrovert, he needs the loud and boisterous every bit as much as you need the quiet, and he has as much right as you do to experience that in his safe space. That being said, the full compromise is every other year and he does the planning.

NTA, but a little bit of a Grinch. I can understand not wanting to host that many people for that long. And I understand that you don’t want this onus to fall on you every year. So come up with alternate plans that give you reasonable outs. Come up with some tradition ideas yourself. If you don’t, this family is going to make them for you.

Also: Do you have family that you can visit or host? This seems really one sided towards your husband’s family. I don’t agree that one side of the family gets unilateral ownership of a holiday.

So, what do you think about this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?

Sources: Reddit
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