'AITA for refusing to keep being my sister’s full-time caregiver after she unexpectedly moved in with me?'
"AITA for refusing to keep being my sister’s full-time caregiver after she unexpectedly moved in with me?"
My sister (21f) had a baby almost two months ago via c-section, and I (26f) have been helping a lot. I work with kids often, but I don’t have or want any of my own.
Since I have experience, my sister keeps saying I should be the one to help since I “know what I’m doing.” I understood she would need extra support while recovering, so I stepped in to help during the hospital stay and the first few weeks.
However, I was caught off guard when she unexpectedly moved in with me. I thought she was just coming over for a visit, but instead, she showed up with all of the baby’s things and made it clear she was staying.
She said it was because my brother-in-law works nights and needs to sleep during the day, so staying with me would make things easier. I completely understand that she’s recovering and exhausted, and I don’t blame her for needing help. But I wasn’t expecting to take on this much responsibility.
For weeks now, I’ve been the one handling most of the feeding, diaper changes, soothing, and general care. Meanwhile, my brother-in-law gets to sleep all night and all day, and my sister while struggling relies on me for almost everything. I’m barely getting any sleep myself while also trying to keep up with work and other commitments.
The thing is, this was a planned pregnancy. I can’t help but wonder if they really thought about what care would look like once the baby arrived because, from my perspective, it feels like I was always meant to be the fallback option without ever being asked.
When my sister was pregnant, I warned her that a baby is a lot of work and that she was rushing into it with someone she barely knew (they’ll hit one year together this May).
I also made it clear that just because I have a flexible schedule does not mean I’d be her built-in childcare. I have a job and other responsibilities that usually fill up my entire week.
Now that I’ve started setting boundaries and stepping back from doing everything, my sister is upset and saying I’m a bad person for not wanting to help more. I feel bad, but I never agreed to this level of involvement. AITA for refusing to keep being my sister’s full-time caregiver and setting boundaries?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
If anyone showed up at my door with their toothbrush and said they were moving in, baby or not, I'd call them a cab. They want you to be the de-facto mother, while your intrusive, opportunist sister doesn't have to change one diaper, and the invisible father gains a man cave.
Being a parent, without all the fuss or worry. How nice. Thank god you're setting boundaries. Now it's time to put that family back together under the same roof.
NTA.
Yeah, the nanny usually moves in with the family and is an employee, not the family moving in with the nanny and using her to support them. OP needs to get her sister out and quit being an unpaid caregiver. Sister is using her.
NTA. x3, OP. Your sister is overwhelmed, but not so overwhelmed that she didn't see an opportunity to move herself into your place. She sees a space with a built in caregiver, and she's taking advantage.
Set your boundaries, and enforce them firmly. You'll also want to look into moving her out, forcibly if necessary. She has her own place with her husband to go back to, and it's on them to figure out the whole working-nights-with-a-baby thing.
Heping your sister a bit because you can is an expectation. There are a lot of people here who will tell you that it's a generous favour, but it's one of those if-you-can-you-should things. And you did that. You did your bit, and your sister saw a chance to take more, and that makes her the A-hole.
It takes around 6 weeks to fully recover from a c-section. The baby is 2 months old. You are being taken advantage of. Forget little boundaries, it's time to pack her stuff and send her home. NTA.
NTA does your sister think her husband is a bad person for doing literally nothing to raise his own child? Why would she feel like you have more responsibility to this child than he does? Where are your parents can you get their stance with this situation?
TightKale5979 (OP)
She doesn’t see an issue with it because, from her perspective, he works nights and needs to sleep during the day. She doesn’t work, so he’s the main provider, though I’m not really sure how that dynamic works.
She’s been staying with me, so I guess in her mind, it makes sense that I’d step in. He was working nights before the baby came, though, so I don’t understand why there wasn’t a plan in place beforehand.
As for why she thinks I should help, maybe it’s because we’ve always been really close, almost like best friends, so she assumed I’d want to be involved. My parents also feel like I should be helping since my work schedule is flexible, so they don’t really see an issue with it either.
You are so obviously NTA. You didn't make this baby! The two people who did need to figure it out, like all other parents. If it's only been a few weeks, she probably doesn't have tenant rights at your place.
Your best response would have been to send her home the day she showed up with all the stuff, but second best is NOW. She has a home, and another parent to help with the child, and she needs to LEAVE. Do it fast, because long-term 'residents' can be even more difficult.
(This would be different if she were fleeing an abusive relationship, but you don't mention that. And even in that case, you wouldn't be TA for not taking on parental responsibilities that aren't yours.)