'AITA for refusing to meet with my half sister because I don't deserve that honour?' Updated 2X
"AITA for refusing to meet with my half sister because 'I don't deserve that honour'"
MilordGrint
So this is rather simple and messy. I (24 f) am an affair baby. My father (75 m) had me with my mother (60 f) while still being married to someone else, then divorced with his first wife when I was four and married my mum two years later. Because of the age gap and the general mess of the situation I never truly had any relationships with my father's side of the family.
For them I was just an unexpected person to exist, which I am totally okay with, since I have a great loving family on my mother's side anyway. So since my birth we have settled this lovely mutual agreement, where they pretend I don't exist and I forget that my father is not an orphan. Lovely.
The only person who decided to break this mutual indifference pact was my half sister (55 f). I probably also need to mention that my father was somewhat wealthy when he started dating my mother.
He had already provided well for his eldest daughter: paid for her education, helped her to get a decent job in a law firm and bought her a large apartment. So my sister was extremely unhappy with my birth, since for her it meant that some of my dad's money will now flow the other direction (not my petty words btw, she said that to my mother).
And not only that, according to my mother's words, confirmed by my father and grandparents, she had been harassing my mum throughout her entire very complicated pregnancy, to the extend that my mother ended up in a hospital.
My sister then found a way to call her even there and wished she had a miscarriage.The last time when she and my mother met she sad I am worthless and don't deserve "the honour" of being called her sister and she would rather give everything up to charity than let me inherit something from her (she was single and childless then and still is now).
As from my own memories, I have seen her probably only three-four times as a kid, and got a few "presents" from her as a teenager (some her hideous old clothes she didn't want to wear anymore. She decided it would be hilarious to just send it to my mother in a garbage bag, so I donated it to charity upon her forgotten wishes).
The funny thing is that even though my mother was accused of gold-digging, my father had an accident and retired soon after their marriage, so she was the one who provided for me and gave me the future. Now I live in another country with my soon-to-be husband, studying and all in all doing okay.
I was supposed to visit my family next week when my father unexpectedly called me (he never does that). Upon a very awkward conversation I received this information:
Even though agreeing to cut contacts, my father began talking with his eldest daughter a few years ago. He systematically updated her on my life. Since she learned I am doing okay and am soon to start my own family she suddenly expressed desire to meet me. She has no family on her own and that somehow made her value our sister(?) bond more.
I kindly rejected that offer and said I would rather not. Then followed 20 minutes of a pointless conversation with such arguments as "I am becoming older and want my children to reconcile", "she was young and stupid, now she regrets", etc, etc.
When I reminded him that she basically harassed my mother and wished me dead, he called me out for being "vengeful" towards my sis and said he taught me better. I then said that I don't think I deserve the honour of meeting her, and don't seek to earn that honour, and he hung up on me.
I know my father is an old man who doesn't want any drama. However, my mother is the sweetest person alive and a mere thought that someone in a right mind could harass her to the point she was at hospital makes me sick. I don't have any interest in this "sister bonding bs" and I don't care what she has to say. So AITA for not even giving her a "chance" to speak with me?
Here were the top rated comments after the OP's initial post:
HygorBohmHubner
"I know my father is an old man who doesn’t want any drama."
He should’ve kept his Johnson in his pants. Having an affair is legit a one-way highway to dramaland.
PrideofCapetown
Exactly what I was thinking. If he didn’t want drama, he shouldn’t have cheated. Especially with someone basically the same age as his daughter. It doesn’t matter if he’s old and infirm, he’s the ultimate ahole here. And for him to get all high and mighty now, patronizingly telling OP he taught her better…what a pile of hypocritical BS.
Not excusing the older half sister, she’s an ahole too. As for OP’s mom, she may be the “sweetest person alive” to OP, but if - IF - she knew OP’s dad was married when she got involved with him, she’s also an asshole. Unless she didn’t know and he took advantage of her. OP’s NTA though.
churchofdan
NTA Sounds like she wants to reach out for selfish reasons and wants you to just roll over and pretend she hasn't hated you your entire life. Even though her anger is misdirected, you seem to understand why people might scapegoat you as the living embodiment of the death of their family.
But harassing someone into the hospital and then finding a way to continue that in the hospital is a bridge too far. I'm not a strong math guy, but if you're 24 and she's 55, then she was 31 when she did this to your mother. She wasn't some middle schooler, she was an adult over 30. Young and stupid indeed...
The OP commented:
MilordGrint
You are more supportive than I expected guys, so thanks guys. Just wanted to quickly address the infidelity part before going to sleep (I live in Europe and it's past midnight). I noticed some people were concerned about my "lack of judgement" when it comes to my mum being a mistress and "breaking up the family".
I personally would rather not go into deep details about who, with whom and why, since it is the info I am not comfortable sharing with all the Reddit. However I would say the thing that is relevant to my post and my sis.
My mum is not an angel, but she is not a homewrecker either because the "home" already didn't exist when she and my father met. He wasn't loyal before that. His family knew. I don't know their exact emotions on that, but he wasn't loyal for years before my mother, and he and his wife still lived together.
Even when he met my mum they knew about her and showed no animosity towards her, even the sis. They met a few times, and sis was indifferent. My mother getting pregnant was the reason the show started.
That is the reason why, regardless of my mum's actions, I am so not okay with the harassing part from sis. She wanted abortion so dad would not "waste" his money on another child. Then wanted me dead.
As for the "no contact request from mum" part I mentioned in comments...guys if you read please what I write, my mother said "don't let her come near me or my baby" after almost losing her unborn child due to endless harassment.
My so-called sister wished me dead. Multiple times. She stopped only when my father agreed to leave all his savings to his old family. I know that because other people around me shared that info when I became older, not only my mother. She doesn't talk about any of my father's relatives at all if she is not asked to.
The next day, the OP returned with a full update.
"Update (AITA for refusing to meet my half sister)"
MilordGrint
Hey guys. Just came home and looked through your answers. Jesus I did not expect that many...and oh boy some are very interesting. I actually have a tini-tiny update but first let me answer some of you guys.
At first, those who addressed the issue I was asking about (me and my sis being total strangers with her resenting me even before my birth and suddenly wanting to meet), thank you for your feedback.
You are the most appreciated of all. I'm not that good at dealing with someone trying to do the "speedrun" to my personal space, so I really wanted to know if I'm overreacting.
Sometimes it's hard to judge, especially because I don't actually know sis apart from her being a "huge fan" of my being born. As far as I know, not the most pleasant person to be around, but have 0 desire to test this personally.
As for my mother's infidelity...many people were not happy with the "sweetest person" part and even less with my further explaining, which I find absolutely understandable.
Many of you were polite and respectful in your argumentation, so thank you for that. Actually, upon reading my own answers the next day without context, I can see why so many people were confident that I am trying to do "black and white" here.
I don't actually think it is necessary to have a huge discussion, since it is not he main point of my post anyway. But for those who were respectful to me, I wanted to make my only and last point here.
My position on that matter is NOT that cheating is totally okay since it is my mum who did the nasty and/or she wasn't the first mistress to my father. Can get a little defensive on that, I know. But don't blame me, blame the flashbacks from my childhood when I constantly heard all the things you wrote from my father's friends XD sorry kidding, but not really.
My position is that I have decided to refrain from judging my mother on that. In other words, not approving like "heeeey my pops is a cheater anyway so it is totally okay to sleep with him then". It is rather "I don't think it is my place to shame my mother; she made a decision and faced the consequences, I leave that to her and I won't let this impact our relationship". That's it.
You may not agree with my point of view, and it's fine. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. And I'm entitled to my own perspective also. And the perspective is...I saw only kindness and love from her. This is my way of showing love and kindness back. Please be respectful.
For those who actually insulted my mother or me by calling names and wishing me being cheated on to "get the feeling"...I hope people you love never make any mistakes. Oh boy you would let them know they are not worthy of anything anymore.
Now to the actual UPDATE. Actually not that much to update about. My father had a brilliant idea of asking my mother to "persuade" me and now it is a huge terrible show.
My mother crying on Skype and asking me if meeting my "sister" is something I truly want, me explaining that I don't give a flying f about her, my father screaming on my mother that it is "her upbringing"...fun. Oh, he also said he had given her my number so we could "settle things as adults", so now I am even more irritated.
Due to some issues with my residence renewal I often have to pick up from unknown numbers. Have to give attention to the country code before picking from now on...
The first Skype call was a disaster, then when my father went outside to smoke, my mum called me again and I asked her about "no contact" thing. Mum explained that she was indeed against my sister being anywhere near me, because she was scared of her hating me so much and couldn't trust her.
However, she said she never actually forbade my father talking to her, she just wanted it to be "away from our house and our lives". And that he tried for some time, when I was a kid, to see her occasionally, but then the car accident happened and sis never ever called him or visited him in the hospital.
This made him so frustrated that he went full "no contact" mode himself. I then asked her does she have any idea of what sis could possibly want from me, but she had no clue. So that's what it is now.
If some drama happens, I will update, but I probably would not go to a "every single new thing is the new post" mode. I have a life to live and a wedding to plan. Just maybe will give some closure in case there would be one. Thanks for wasting your time reading this and have a nice life.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's latest update:
Veredyn1
Personally, just tell her to text you, be short and don't engage. She can't meet you, you don't have a "bond", so just be straight with her. "You never liked me, wished me harm and could never have my best interest at heart. What do you want now?". Short, sweet, to the point. Good luck.
Larkiepie
This is definitely not concluded.
peter095837
All I can say is that the parents really sound like exhausting people cause jeez. I can sense more drama is going to happen soon.