'AITA for refusing to pay my son the difference between the cost of his and my other kids' weddings?' UPDATED

"AITA for only paying for son wedding?"

Hello everyone I have been going through some trouble recently and one of my kids told me about this place so I’m here to ask you all for help. She also mention I should probably tell you guys I’m on mobile.

Ok I am a 57 year old male who has three kids. 30 male, 27 female And 25 male. Me and my wife have paid for each of my two oldest wedding which covered dress, suit bridal parties if they wanted to make a destination wedding we covered guest who couldn’t afford it in the honeymoon. Now there was not budget placed on them.

My oldest wedding total was around 85k my middle kids was around 120k. Now my youngest is getting married him and his soon to be wife don’t believe in big weddings and total is around 20k. Now my kids didn’t know how much each other’s wedding cost as I didn’t share and I guess they didn’t see the need to bring it up.

So the problem came up this past weekend my soon to be daughter-in-law was talking to my middle daughter and my oldest son wife about their weddings and I guess the totals came up.

Now my youngest son and his fiancé are demanding I write them a check for the difference for down payment on a condo or house. I refused and stated I was only paying for their wedding and now they are threatening to disinvite me. So am I the @$$hole?

EDIT: So it has come up so I’m adding this here from the comments. I paid for all my kids college life’s on top of that they each have three trust funds that got released at a 18, 25, and 35. He has more then enough for a down payment if he want to.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

b1lllevansatmariposa said:

NTA. I suspect that this whole thing wasn't your son's idea. Still, if they disinvite you, don't pay for any of their wedding. That sounds extreme, but you have to treat them like the little children they are. The nuclear option is a dish that is best served cold.

Ande3 said:

NTA. I have been paying for my childrens college tuitions. My first two are debt free. My third turns around and says I don’t want to go to college. I’ll just take the money. I laughed. I said the money is for college and college alone. She said that’s not fair to which I said life is not fair. Get used to it. It’s your money. You get to make the decisions. Do what makes you happy.

gw2kpro said:

They're going to disinvite you from a wedding you're paying for? Really?

And Yetis-unicorn said:

ESH. It’s hard to feel sorry for your kids as you’ve pretty much handed them everything their entire lives. And it’s clearly taught them to appreciate you and not demand more money or be uninvited from the wedding.

Money is the same thing as love in your kids mind. If you give them less money, even if there’s a good reason, they think it means you love them less. It’s not able equal affection in their eyes. It’s about equal payout. Nice job…

He later shared this update:

Hi everyone I would like to thank you all for your help the other day and wanted to Address a couple things. It came up that I offer my two oldest the option of a wedding or house down payment(that had to be payed back when they got their second trust fund) and not the youngest.

I wasn’t trying to hide that I just didn’t see it being of any importance. See as my son and soon to be daughter-in-law didn’t ask me nicely for the money but demanded it and then gave me an ultimatum. So I’m sorry if that effect your decision making. So on to the update.

We had a family meeting Sunday night. Me my wife, my oldest son, my daughter and my youngest. After talking for a couple hour we got to heart of this. As many of you suspected it wasn’t doing it my soon to be daughter-in-law.

She never want a small wedding she dreamed of house drawers carriages actually know what I think about it she wants something like out of Cinderella but didn’t want to plan it so when all was down and over with they had a total of 20k. Which she thought was a lot until she started talking to my daughter and daughter-in-law about their weddings and realize what she could’ve had.

After that she pulled my son to the side and started nagging him to either postpone the wedding so they can make it bigger which truth be told I wouldn’t of minded or demand I write them a check for down payment for a house that my son clarify during this meeting he did not want.

My son hates the idea of living in the suburbs I’m not living in the city not being there all the hottest spots trends bars restaurants he’s chosen to live a child free life and I’m not upset about it. So it also turns out she was the one threatening to disinvite me from the wedding and this is want cause her family and friends to turn on her.

My son plans to call off the wedding he said he thoughts he was ready to be married and maybe he’s not mature enough yet. He apologized to me and his siblings for how all of this turned out. We’re on good terms so he doesn’t have to worry about that.

This was Sunday night as of last night she officially moved back in with her parents who have called me to apologize. I think I’m going to go with one of the commenters advice and donate everything we have planned for the wedding to someone else and give all the vendors extra money for the inconvenience.

When my son is ready to get married again I will pay for what ever wedding big or small that he wants. So that the update thank you all again.