'AITA for refusing to take care of my sick BF and sending him home?' UPDATED

"I (25f) don’t want to take care of my sick boyfriend (25m). AITA?"

For context, my boyfriend and I do not live together. He lives an hour outside the city I live in. I also have two roommates.

He just got back from a week long trip to Europe. He came to my house, by train, before his trip because I live near the airport he was flying in and out of. When he got back, he texted and said he wasn’t feeling well. I suggested he go right home by train from the airport. He could not because he had left some things here that he needs including his work laptop.

So, he came to my house and while he was taking a recovery shower and nap, I washed, dried, and folded all of his laundry from the trip (mainly because I have an intense fear of bedbugs).

He said he was feeling better so he stayed another day, and I made sure he took medicine through the day and made him dinner while he took a nap in my bed. I suggested he go home, but the NFL draft is tomorrow night and he wants to watch with some friends who live in my city so I felt guilty sending him away. And I also don’t want to make him take a train while he’s sick.

Tonight, he is in my bed taking a nap while I read on the porch. I just went to check on him and he not only coughed on me but also sneezed on me while we were talking. I was obviously grossed out, got upset and told him not to do that again, and asked if he was sure it wasn’t the virus or the flu.

He said “I wish you would be more compassionate when I’m sick” and I snapped back that I wasn’t his wife and that I didn’t sign up to take care of him every time he’s sick and to be sneezed and coughed on by someone. I feel like that wasn’t the best response. He ended up apologizing and so did I.

There have been previous times where he’s been sick in my house and I’ve suggested he leaves. He got mad the last time and said “other peoples girlfriends would be nice and take care of their sick boyfriend.” This rubbed me the me the wrong way because 1. I was working hybrid in the office at the time and had no sick time benefit

And 2. he’s has not taken care of me when I’ve been sick in the last two of the three years we’ve been together. I’ve had strep throat, a stomach bug, and a cold that led to a sinus and ear infection. We don’t live together, and I didn’t go to his house when I was sick, but still. There has been one time where I was sick at his house while he was living with his mom after we graduated.

I got the virus from his mom and would’ve needed to take the train home. His mom said I was fine to stay until I tested negative or felt well enough to leave with a mask. The extent of him taking care of me was driving me to the store so I could go in with a mask on to get medication and leaving me alone in his basement while I recovered.

There was another time that first year where he was at my house and we both got sick with the flu at basically the exact same time. We rotted in my bed for two days and had everything delivered.

I don’t really know how i should be handling this moving forward. I’m less worried about the douche-baggy things he said because we’ve talked through them and resolved it. I’m more worried about whether or not I’m a sh!tty partner for not wanting to take care of him when he’s sick? And if I’m sh!tty for wanting to send him home on a train while he’s sick

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

z-eldapin said:

Dang, how long was his recovery shower that you washed, dried and folded his laundry?

OP responded:

He showered and then slept for a few hours.

simplyexistingnow said:

NTA but honestly you are treating yourself like shit. You need to grow a backbone and be more assertive in the relationship. He's overstaying his welcome and he's using you. The day that he came home he could have went by your house grabbed his stuff and continued to go home.

You could have also told him that when he said he had to come by your house and grab stuff you could have wrapped up the conversation about him not staying. Something like "oh it's fine to stop by my place but don't bring in your luggage as you know my stance on potentially bringing in bed bugs. I know I won't see you tonight but I don't work on Thursday did you want to hang out then."

People are going to continue to use you if you just allow the behavior especially if you're very passive about it.

WeAreTheMisfits said:

Nta - he showed you he won’t take care of you when you are ill. If you get pregnant he won’t take care of you. He coughed and sneezed on you. He is not a toddler. I have never coughed or sneezed on someone as an adult.

Commercial-Rush755 said:

I’m a nurse and can attest men are like babies when they get sick. Some mature and grow out of the behavior but some don’t, and I believe it’s because they’re enabled by the women in their lives. Just my opinion. 🤷‍♀️

And Formal-Pipe-5283 said:

Does he want a partner or does he want a mother

She later shared this update:

I ended up going back inside and just talking to him about how I was feeling about the last few days and about the other times I’ve been sick. I also asked how he was feeling and what he was thinking about the situation. He apologized. I apologized again. He offered to take the last train out of the city and I told him he could stay but that if he’s not feeling better tomorrow, then he needs to go home in the morning.

He agreed. I also said if he ever sneezes or coughs in my face again, he will unfortunately need to vacate the premises. We laughed about it, hugged, and I even gave him a kiss. I cuddled with him for a little bit and then I made us a nice dinner and we’re about to order a sweet treat and watch our show in bed.

Someone asked if I get sick with what he has now, would he take care of me? So I asked him that and he said “yes of course. I’d stay here with you or you could come back with me.

Whatever you’d be more comfortable with.” Hopefully we don’t have to test that out because I do really hate being sick, but I think we ended in a good spot. His apology included not caring for me in the past and said he will do better in the future.

Idk if it makes a difference to anyone who said I need to dump him, but he’s not like this all the time. He didn’t ask me to do any of the I did for him (laundry, medicine, cooking, etc.). I did all of it because I wanted him to stay in bed so he could feel better. Your comments were funny but I do love him very much and do not find this to be a relationship ending situation.

For all the people who think I don’t like my boyfriend, that I’m ruining my chances of being his wife, and who said I might be an actual sociopath - I’m 25 and very focused on my career as is he. Not everyone’s life goal is to be someone’s wife with a gaggle of children that dotes on their husbands every want and need.

I work 40 hours a week and have hobbies and things I like to do. I made the “I’m not your wife” jab because of his previous comment about other girls taking care of their boyfriends. I also should’ve been more clear with my question. I was taking care of him for 2.5 days without him asking me to do any of the things I did.

I was more asking if I’d be wrong to discontinue caring for him after he literally sneezed and coughed in my face. Thanks for all the advice. I’ll leave the post up but the issue has been resolved.