'AITA for refusing to throw my brother’s fiancée a bridal shower?'
"AITA for refusing to throw my brother’s fiancée a bridal shower?"
lastweddingplease
Wedding season brings out the absolute worst in people, so here we go.
My brother Jay is marrying his fiancée Debbie in July. Debbie asked both me and my sister Christina to be bridesmaids, but we both turned it down (this becomes relevant later).
A couple of weeks ago, Debbie contacted me and Christina and demanded we throw her a bridal shower, though this was more directed at me as Christina is currently in university.
Her reasoning was that it was the least we could do after we said no to being bridesmaids and didn’t have any costs and hadn’t contributed to the wedding yet. I told Christina I would handle it since she is very conflict averse.
I sent Debbie back a polite text saying we will not be planning, hosting, or attending any such shower. Debbie got very angry and implied that she would try to uninvite us from the wedding.
(I don’t think I am wrong in thinking that this is something the maid of honour unusually does for the bride so I’m curious why this evening came close to landing on our plate in the first place)
Jay asked both me and Christina to reconsider, and even said he would pay for it if we’d just pretend we did but I said absolutely not, and Christina can’t really plan it all on her own. Jay is now getting pressure from Debbie to react to this in some way (I guess she wants us uninvited or to have some kind of “consequences” for us not helping).
This has caused a fair bit of drama. Jay’s mother (not my mother) has used this as an excuse to lay into him about Debbie, whom she dislikes. Jay’s dad and best man are giving him shit for letting her treat us this way, and Jay is digging his heels in because he feels like we’re all ganging up on him.
He’s accused me of pretty much ruining the wedding planning experience and thinks that he won’t end up with a lot of family there if this goes on. I don’t think I’m in the wrong for not wanting to do the shower. Am I?
Edit - we said no to being bridesmaids because we are busy. Christina is a full time student in a different city. I have a start up to run and the construction of a house to oversee. Neither of us had the time for dress fittings, her bachelorette trip, all the ancillary brunches and lunches etc..
Christina has a significant age gap with Debbie and she is a shy person, she wouldn’t have wanted to do it without me since she doesn’t know anyone else. From my side, I don’t have the bandwidth and even if I did, being a bridesmaid isn’t fun unless you’re close with the bride.
But the overwhelming reason we said no is because we couldn’t dedicate time to it and thought it was best to leave the position for people who wanted it and would have felt honoured. Debbie picked two other bridesmaids.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
ReviewOk929
NTA - Seems totally weird that having refused to be bridesmaids she would ask you that especially since that's the MOHs or another close friends job normally. My book she is looking to cause drama by doing this knowing you'd refuse and looking for an excuse to uninvite you from the wedding...strange power play by her.
The OP responded here:
lastweddingplease
I have a sneaky suspicion that what she wanted as a shower was too expensive for her party to agree to so she thought she’d try and blackmail us instead.
squirrelsareevil2479
NTA. You cannot be ordered to have a shower for someone. That should be handled by her wedding party or a friend of hers. I am curious why you and your sister declined to be bridesmaids.
Is she always this demanding and unreasonable and you just don't like her? Your brother should be having a hard look at her behaviour and her desire to punish people that don't follow her orders. This won't end well for him.
The OP again responded:
lastweddingplease
I didn’t know her too well before this.
Actually I still don’t. I didn’t have a reason to dislike her.
Robbes_Watch
INFO: Why did you turn down being bridesmaids? Why are you not interested in having a modest shower for Debbie? Sounds like you and Christina and Jay's mom don't like Debbie much, can you tell us a bit more about that?
Again, the OP responded:
lastweddingplease
I wouldn’t say I don’t like Debbie, I don’t really know her well enough to say that. I said no to being a bridesmaid because I’m starting a business and overseeing a house build, I didn’t have the time to dedicate, so thought I should leave it to someone who really wanted to do it.
I’m not interested in throwing a shower 1. Because of those same reasons, and 2. Because of how she approached it. She was rude and entitled and I’ve got no interest in doing anything for people who treat me like an indentured servant.
Jay’s mother is a typical boy mom, nuff said. Christina is a quiet, non confrontational, chill person, Debbie is the opposite. They’ve haven’t spent a lot of time together but Christina isn’t in a hurry to change that because of that reason.
Robbes_Watch
Thanks for clarifying. NTA. No one owes anyone a bridal shower. I know several women who didn't have a shower. (And it boggles my mind these days how expensive and fancy showers have become!) As for being a bridesmaid, no one has to say "yes" to being a bridesmaid, either.
Especially if you are expected to purchase your bridesmaid outfit, as is typically the custom in the U.S. Nothing worse than spending good money on an outfit you will probably not be able to wear again.
For someone who is rude and entitled and who only asked to you be a bridesmaid because you're the sister of the fiance, not because she really wants you in the wedding party. It's sad that your brother would be okay with you and your sister not being at his wedding, all because you did not meet his fiancee's demands.