Bride refuses to uninvite MOH's ex from her wedding; 'he's my brother!' AITA?
"AITA for refusing to un-invite my Maid of Honor’s ex to my wedding?"
Ok-Cellist-1890
Okay, let me explain!! I have known Kate (23f), who was supposed to be my maid of honor, since seventh grade. When we were in 11th grade she started having some complications with her home life and she moved in with me, my parents, my younger sister, and my older brother whenever he was home from college for the rest of high school.
One of my parents’ only big rules was that we were not allowed to have significant others over at the house without their permission. Kate was always pretty quiet and followed the rules, so imagine my surprise when I walked into Kate’s makeshift room to get my charger and found my brother asleep in her bed with her!
I probably overrated just a little, because I woke them up and told them they needed to rethink this situation. I said if our parents found out, they’d probably kick Kate out, and if anything happened between the two of them it could ruin Kate’s relationship with my whole family.
Kate promised she would be careful and wouldn’t let anything put our friendship in jeopardy. They didn’t get caught and told my parents once Kate finally graduated. All seemed okay.
Kate and my brother (25m) dated on and off throughout the rest of her high school experience, and part of the way through college, too. Their relationship was always very unhealthy and unstable, and my brother finally cut ties with her permanently over the summer before our junior year of college when he graduated and found a job a few hours away.
Kate did NOT handle this well. We actually didn’t talk at all for a few months, but reconciled when she came home for winter break. We mended our friendship but steered clear of mentioning my brother whenever we were together.
My (24m) husband and I have been together since my sophomore year of college. Kate had always been the biggest supporter of our relationship, so, when it was time to pick a maid of honor after we got engaged, the choice seemed obvious.
My now husband became close friends with my brother after we got engaged and actually ended up making him one of his groomsmen. I mentioned this casually in front of Kate, who didn’t seem to have much of a reaction, so I thought we would be in the clear since they had broken up about three years ago and Kate had had other boyfriends since him.
The problem arose 3 days before the wedding. Kate found out that my brother was bringing a plus one to my wedding. Out of nowhere she blew up on me, telling me I was a horrible friend for “letting him do that.”
I apologized but reminded her that he is my brother and is important to me, too. She stormed out and refused to talk to me the rest of the day. The next day, she showed up at my apartment and apologized for yelling. She said, “I will still attend your wedding as long as he isn’t there.”
I said, “He?” She responded, “Your brother.” Shocked, I explained to her that I couldn’t just uninvite him to the wedding— he’s my family. She told me she’s my family too. I said I could try to talk to him about not bringing a plus one, but she shut that down, saying that “wasn’t good enough” because now she knows “there would’ve been another girl there.”
She then repeated that if my brother is at my wedding, she won’t be. I honestly don’t think she expected me to do what I did, but I told her if she was making me choose which of them I’d rather have at my wedding, I wouldn’t choose the person who gave me the ultimatum.
I said my brother was coming to my wedding, end of story. She lost her mind screaming at me before leaving my apartment and blocking me on everything. It’s been almost two months since everything happened.
My wedding was incredible, and my cousin stepped up to be my maid of honor. My brother and his date were wonderful company and I am glad I didn’t uninvite them. However, this week I have been reflecting on Kate and I’s relationship and have been feeling really down.
I can’t help but think I might’ve been a bit too harsh in making the decision I did, but I also don’t know what a good alternative would’ve been. Yes, they’re exes, but one of them is my brother and the other was my best friend— what else could I have done?
Also, Kate had promised me years ago that she wouldn’t let anything between them ruin our friendship. Am I wrong to hold her to that standard we set like six years ago? I honestly don’t know. Please tell me— AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
SpicexXxGirl
You have a loving husband, a supportive family, and friends who respect you. Cherish those relationships and move forward.
Leading_Strain_2959
Giving someone an ultimatum like that, especially so close to the wedding, puts all the pressure on them and is incredibly selfish. OP was already dealing with the stress of wedding planning, and to add that kind of emotional manipulation into the mix is just unfair.
Kate's behavior showed she wasn't respecting the importance of OP's relationship with her family. At the end of the day, OP made the right call by standing firm with their family, and Kate’s reaction really reflects her own unresolved issues. It’s a tough situation, but OP had every right to prioritize their wedding and family over Kate’s demands.
CatJarmansPants
NTA. You can't be reasonable with unreasonable people. She's nuts. To have imagined that your brother wouldn't have had a +1 is barking mad, and to imagine that you would have either uninvited that +1, or indeed your brother, over her bent feelings from a university relationship from years ago is insane.
Like clinically insane. I see ex's with their current partners quite regularly. It's nothing for a normal adult who can behave within the normal social rules of interaction. The trash has taken itself out. Don't go chasing bin lorries...
amw38961
NTA. It's your brother. Also, I think you're getting a very REAL insight into WHY her and your brother were on and off and ultimately didn't work out. Let it go. Somebody who actually considered you family would've sucked it up and dealt with it. All I will say is.....I'm glad your brother cut ties b/c Kate needs some damn therapy.
This is coming from someone whose very close friend married her brother. I wasn't sure how it would go b/c tbh....she has some toxic traits due to the household she was raised in, but they were eventually able to get over it. She's tripping....she needs intense therapy and needs to move on. Based on these ages....he broke up with her FIVE YEARS AGO.....move on....
Prettygoodlady
NTA. You were put in an impossible situation where one of the most important people in your life, your best friend, forced you into an ultimatum against your own family. You handled it with grace by trying to compromise, even offering to talk to your brother about not bringing a plus one, but ultimately, her request was unreasonable.
Your wedding day should be about celebrating with the people who are important to you, not managing old relationship drama. Kate agreed years ago that she'd never let her relationship with your brother interfere with your friendship, and it’s fair to hold her to that.
It sounds like you made the best decision for you and your wedding day. Stay strong hopefully, with time, Kate will understand and reflect on her own role in this situation.