'AITA for refusing to visit my mother in palliative care?' + 3 UPDATES

"AITA for refusing to visit my mother in palliative care?"

My family is formed of cougars+sugar daddies and I hate all of them, except my grandpa(my mom's dad) who does not give a F about anyone. He is the reason I am alive and well and thriving.

I am currently 21 but this story goes on to the very back when I was 5, when my mom got married to a guy, Vladimir (Vlad, if you find this, then F you). He is the most selfish person I have ever seen. After she and him got married, my mother started to leave me to my grandpa frequently.

At first it was for "date nights", then it has become "after school" and then it was a "full-time" arrangement because that was what "his little Vladdie" (Vlad is a sugar babe btw, my mom was 34, Vlad was 23 when they were married and my mom's family is really rich) wanted.

All of my mother's family, except grandpa adored him and they hated my grandpa for pointing out the fact that my mom was neglecting me. When I was 9, my custody was granted to my grandpa. It was a painful process and as a result, we have become by our own. Mom and "Vladdie" had their own lives after it and I only saw them in family vacations.

Last week, there was a call from Vladimir, saying that my mom has a terminal colon cancer and she is currently in a palliative care unit. He said "She wants to see you one last time before she leaves this world." They live in a city that is 12 hours by car just said "I don't have time for you" and closed the phone.

Then our extended family started to call us. I wouldn't bother their opinions but my closest friends who know all of this said I might have been very cruel and she deserved a chance for closure, so I came here.

What do you think? AITA if he doesn't visit his mom? This is what top commenters had to say:

TopJukesNA said:

NTA. You don't owe her anything. She didn't act as a parent to you, your grandpa did. Whether you want to give her closure or not, that's up to you. But your "mom" isn't doing this for you, she's doing it for herself.

hrowaway1975764 said:

NTA. You might have been cruel... but so what? She was cruel to you. She can reap what she sowed. Would be be excessively kind to visit? Yes. But you don't owe her anything. Only visit her if it will help you. If you want/need/are interested in that closure, go for it. Otherwise you live your best life.

And please know, her behaviors were always about who she is, not about who you are. You deserved better.

Lawn_Orderly said:

NTA. She lost custody for a reason. You don't owe her anything.

And Infamous-Wasabi-9007 said:

NTA. She is your mother through biology. But she stopped being your parent when she let your grandpa raise you. You owe her nothing. She wants you to visit so she can feel better about how badly she treated you. Do not give that to her.

He later shared this first update:

So, after all of your opinions and suggestions,I decided to give a Zoom call and it was enlightening. I forgave someone but it wasn't my mom, it was Vladimir. I will never ever forgive my mom but we had a some kind of closure that I will tell after what happened with Vladimir.

When my custody case was happening,there were photos and proof materials that I didn't know where they came from.Turns out it was all Vladimir's stuff and help. He said he was worried about my mom and me being together so he helped grandpa discreetly and my custody was transferred to my Grandpa.

All of the presents that I got in my birthday that was told from my mother was actually Vladimir. He also helped my grandpa on business and about his will. I feel so sorry for alienating him so much but he said he wanted me to stay away from my mom so he alienated himself too from the equation.

We are planning to come together to visit. I also learned why he got married to my mom and honestly, I do not blame him after I heard what my mom offered to him to be with him. He was desperate and besides me, my mom was a good person when they were together and cared for him really well.

My mom though, she said she did not regret how did she act about me and she said she knew she was wrong but did not care. It was kind of shocking but not surprising. She admitted that she should have left me to his dad when I was way younger and moved on with her life.

She wished me a happy and joyful life and she said she wasn't asking for any forgiveness because she did not have any "What If"s about the process and her only mistake was resisting in the custody case. It was a closure, not a good one but it was.

Our relatives was delighted when we talked but me and Vladimir decided to cut contact with them after my mother's death like my grandfather. They can have their lives to themselves. My mom is still in palliative care and the MD responsible from her said to be prepared because it could happen at any moment.

I decided I will attend her funeral because all at the end, she admitted her mistakes and even though she is a bad parent, she was honest and she earned my respect. So, I am not gonna spare a last goodbye from her. That was all and thank you for suggesting me a last talk even though I am NTA.

He then shared this second update:

Hello everyone, so 2 hours ago, I just got the news of my mother's death. The funeral will be happening tomorrow. I am currently on the road with my grandpa to our birth town and I don't know what to feel other than relief for me but also her. She was in a really bad status when she was in palliative care.

So, I am glad that I talked to her and now I can attend her funeral in peace. Even though she was a bad parent, she tried her best in other aspects of her life. I wish nothing other than well wishes towards her.

...and a final update:

Hi everyone. Funeral has happened, Vladimir is currently at our home, looking for an apartment in out town to settle. Our relatives were furious when the will was announced and my mom left everything to Vladimir but also, me. She left her beloved car to me (a 1975 Bentley Corniche) and the other staff went to Vladimir.

He is currently working on liquifying all of the stuff and my grandpa is helping him to create investments. After all of this happens, we will support his artistic endeavor. Also, maybe this will be Yaoi-ish but if he wasn't my mom's husband, I would definitely have dated him but he is unfortunately very straight+this would be weird.

Relatives are blocked+far far away from us. Also there might be a C&D letter against them but we will hold this for now. My grandpa still wants to give a chance to his kids so, that is that.