'AITA for refusing to waive my alimony because my ex husband has cancer and can’t afford it?'
"AITA for refusing to waive my alimony because my ex husband has cancer and can’t afford it?"
ThrowRATwist8921
My ex husband (56m) and I (52f) got divorced because of his infidelity. He married his affair partner. She was a prostitute 20 years younger than me. As part of our prenuptial agreements, we had agreed I would receive alimony for being a a SAHM. I was a SAHM for my entire marriage. We had three daughters.
He never had a problem with paying alimony after our divorce. We had to be friendly to maintain a good co-parenting relationship. My daughters were very hurt in the beginning but learned to forgive my husband and his wife. They make TikToks with her all the time now.
He ended up getting cancer and because he became a big spender and had recently started his own business, the bills have been very hard on him. He and his wife asked if I could waive my alimony payments at least for a little while so that he can pay for his cancer treatments.
I see no reason why they can't downgrade their quality of life. They live in a multi-million dollar house and his wife is decked out in designer clothes and has a face full of procedures.
I told them no and they have been pressing me to waive my alimony payments. They've even made my daughters bring it up. He's called me cold hearted and said he had been "good to me" and would have helped me out if I was going through a hard time. AITA?
Edit: He has early stage thyroid cancer. It's very treatable. He's not going to die.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
DixOut-4-Harambe
NTA. That they live above their means isn't your problem. They asked, and you said no. That should have been it, but here's where I really feel you're not at fault... They KEEP harping after you said no.
Then they try to use the kids. That's a seriously low thing to do. Then he calls you names and says how good he's been (after he cheated and it lead to divorce - the alimony isn't "being good", that's court mandated).
"He would have helped out" - right, easy to say now. He didn't "help you out" when he helped himself to another woman. If they really had a money crunch, they can probably sell cars or house or take a loan against the house which they pay back when they downsize the house later, etc.
Basically, there are many other avenues before the alimony payments. They probably went for that because it would be the easiest if you just agreed. Does the wife not work?
Agitated_Pin2169
I mean he probably didn't want her to keep her job once they got married 😂
ThrowRATwist8921
It was a requirement when I married him and when he said he wanted me to be a SAHM when we had children. I am grateful for younger me for having the sense to do that even when I was blinded by love for him.
I was smarter than him. I was ranked higher, I had a better job, a faster promotion. Maybe he was jealous or maybe he did think a wife was best suited to stay at home and raise children.
He begged me to be an SAHM. And I fell for the lie that is being a SAHM because I thought he loved me. There are no societal obligations towards parents who stay at home. People only respect money. People will sneer at you because you sacrificed money for love.
Careers build and build and build. A 25 year old with 5 years of experience will earn less than a 50 year with 25 years. You can’t get those years back. And a 25 year old with 5 years of experience is more attractive than a 50 year old with 5 years of experience. There will always be that penalty.
It exists for women because they stay at home more often. But for the men they become SAHD, they will have a similar experience. The S&P500 has an average interest rate of 8%. $10,000 becomes $45,000 after 20 years. And you never get a chance to build that first $10,000.
I do everything for this man for 20 years from washing his dirty underwear to signing him up for his yearly benefits at his job and I forgo hundreds of thousands of dollars I would have earned and the 20 years of experience I would have had because of love. And I would have gotten jack had I not protected myself.
He wanted our daughters so much. But he never had to call out of work because he had to take our kid to a doctor’s appointment. He never had to drive them to competitions across the nation so they could get into good colleges. Never had to think about cooking, never had to wash his laundry, never had to shop for groceries or clean his car or buy his suits for a work conference.
And he cheats on me with a prostitute because he can pay her to do what he would not want his wife to do. I got a masters degree after the divorce. When I applied for jobs I quickly learned to disguise my age because they do not want to hire professionals who have been SAH parents.
Job hopping was the best thing I did for myself. They don’t want to hire people who have been caregivers of disabled siblings or elderly parents. They want people with no experience more than they want people whose unpaid labor pulled them out of the workforce.
faxmachine13
NTA and Jesus I’m going to assume it’s all middle schoolers in the comments because good god. If he truly can’t afford it, he can go back to court and try to have it reduced. She is not lazy, she was a SAHM who would have an extremely tough time getting back into the work force at this point, because of sacrifices she made FOR HIM.
He has a multimillion dollar house, no one NEEDS that. If he can afford it great, if not - well he’s the one who cheated, knowing there was a clause for alimony in the prenup. Good lord Reddit sometimes…
ncslazar7
NTA.
"He's called me coldhearted and said he had been good to me and would have helped me out if I was going through a hard time."
He hasn't been good to you. He's given you alimony because he's legally required to. He cheated on you, then left you. He's getting your kids involved in a disagreement that has nothing to do with them. I'm sorry he has cancer, but this is a him problem, not a you problem.
7AlphaOne1
NTA. If your daughters are adults, then tell them not to get involved because this is what you deserve as a person who trusted your ex husband and allowed him to affect a lot of your life choices. Its literally the contract. You compromise on having your own career, he makes sure you're taken care of.
If they're not adults (since no ages are mentioned), I'd be wary of young AP trying to alienate and distance you from them. If they're at an easy to influence age, this could be with some sort of inheritance or scheme in mind, or just to spite you. Cancer is still a lot to deal with, so I'll leave you (or I guess your ex) with some thoughts in this difficult time.