'AITA for refusing to wear a bracelet I wanted, but my husband paid for?' + UPDATE

"AITA for refusing to wear a bracelet I wanted, but my husband paid for?"

I (29F) wanted to buy a bracelet for myself because I finally had a job after searching for a long time and wanted to treat myself. My husband (35M) suggested I buy it from his parents because they run a jewellery store and they’d offer me a good deal. That had been my plan anyway, so when we visited them (they live in another State), I went by their store and had a look at what they had in stock.

I decided on a piece but didn’t take it right away, as I needed to withdraw some cash. A few days later I overheard my husband talking to his Mom about me but couldn’t hear what it was about (context info: there had been some negative talk in the past about my struggling to find a job & I wanted to know if that’s what it was about).

I asked my husband later what they were discussing about me and he said “nothing” but I got the feeling he felt caught out. Then he said they were talking about the bracelet I wanted and he was going to buy it. I said I was happy to buy it for myself but he insisted, and said he’d sort it out. I was thankful and said okay.

Then, after we returned home I asked about the bracelet and he said he was gonna give it to me later, maybe my birthday. I was annoyed because I wanted to buy the bracelet and wear it, like immediately, and that’s what I would’ve done if he hadn’t bought it. He said he paid for it, and that was a nice thing for him to do.

I agreed, but said if he kept it, then it felt like he took it from me, and was making me wait to get something that I was prepared to pay for myself.
We had a low-level fight about it, after which he said I can just have it right then, but I said I didn’t even really want it anymore because now every time I wear it, I will think about this argument and the whole gesture feels ruined. He accused me of being ungrateful.

We recounted this story to his friends (I don’t have many friends as we moved here recently) and they all agreed that he paid for it, so I should just be happy, but I feel like if he wanted to pay for a gift that I had picked out and was about to purchase myself, then it’s not fair to make me wait months for it. AITA for being upset about him keeping it / not wanting to wear the bracelet anymore?

INFO: he did give me the bracelet right after the discussion but as you can imagine, it wasn’t as happy a moment as anyone imagined. I was almost in tears from trying and failing to explain my pov and he was also feeling frustrated.

What do you think? AITA?

Here are some of the top comments, along with OP's responses:

Illustrious-Onion329 said:

NTA. I find the ones saying Y T A so strange. It feels like a weird power play by your husband. I would not be happy if I was going to buy myself something with my own money then have my SO tell me they would buy it for me then refuse to give it to me. Honestly, you should go out and buy a completely different bracelet and wear it with pride.

OP responded:

This is exactly how it felt - like a power or control move. I think I used a similar term when we discussed it. Like, I was going to buy it and you bought it out from under me so now I can’t have it?!

RidiculousSucculent said:

NTA. He started moving the goalposts. You wanted that bracelet for yourself that day, he made his “grand gesture“ and bought it for you. This is very nice, but then he decided to put some conditions on it such as I’ll give it to you for your birthday. My suggestion? Go to another jewelry store and buy yourself a really nice bracelet and start wearing it right away.

OP responded:

You get it. I really wish he could see I’m not being ungrateful. The thing feels tainted now and just reminds of this dispute.

Mrs-Ahalla said:

NTA- he bought it for you, great, now give it to you. I could see him saying “ok now this is your future birthday present or whatever” but to buy, tell you and then hold it… stupid. Could you imagine doing this to anyone else?

OP responded:

It was such a weird fight because I could see his point about buying it being so nice, but why dangle the carrot? What hoops do I have to jump through? I’m frustrated by the whole thing. Part of me thinks he knows it was a dumb move but is now sticking to his story.

Miss_Honesty_ said:

NTA, I hate when people do that. You were ready to pay for it, as a treat for yourself. The kind gesture was paying for it yes. But adding conditions after ? Why buying it if it was to be difficult with it after ? You're not ungrateful, he is the one making the gift about himself by not listening why you wanted it in the first place. It happened with my ex too.

I wanted a new screen for my computer, had the money for it, was ready to pay it, and was already searching which one. He said he wanted to pay for it and convinced me. Ok. But after that, he wanted me to choose another one because the one I wanted was too expensive. So let me pay for it maybe ? No, he wanted to buy it, but at his condition only. Not really a gift if I have to change what I planned ...

And OP responded:

Yes. Reading some of these comments I’m feeling validated that the behavior is infantilizing and controlling. I never thought of him that way but this particular situation certainly feels like that.

NoArt1475 said:

Nta. This happened in a Sex and The City episode. I would go and buy something else for yourself that you like as much as the bracelet, but also still wear the bracelet. Win, win.

OP responded:

I’m hoping time will allow me to wear the bracelet and I’ll forget about the dispute but in the meantime I do intend to do something personal to celebrate the job.

DiTrastevere said:

I think I’m gonna need the hint spelled out - why would he make this decision based on the fact that his mother has made disparaging comments about your unemployment? How does buying you a bracelet fit into this situation?

And OP responded:

I think his family all disapproved of the time it took me to find a job and I know they talked badly about me at some point. He doesn’t agree with their thinking, but I know him and he’s the type to pretend to agree when it comes to him and his mom - so I think they were talking about me and probably not in a positive way.

He doesn’t know what I heard, but that I heard something, so I think when I asked him, he felt confronted. He remembered that I wanted to buy a bracelet on this trip and I think he used the idea to pay for it as a way of deflecting from the fact that they were talking critically about me.

In the comments, OP shared a minor update:

In response to someone asking if she showed her husband the post:

I haven’t shown this post to him and I probably won’t but I have been tempted. Maybe he’ll come across it organically. The truth is I think he knows it was a silly decision to say he’s gonna keep it until a day he determines, but he doubled down instead of being able to say that. So I’ll probably just deescalate it if it comes up again and move on knowing I wasn’t crazy for feeling undercut.