Fiancé ends relationship because he's, 'not ready for marriage,' marries her cousin. AITA?
"AITA for not attending the wedding of my cousin and my ex-boyfriend?"
cousin_ex_wedding
I (32F) was engaged to marry “Travis” (33M). But a couple of weeks before the wedding was supposed to take place, he said that he didn’t want to get married. I asked him if he was cheating and he said no.
He told me that most of his friends were already marrying or starting families, so he thought it was time to settle down, but he had just realized that he didn’t want to do it. Suffice to say, the wedding was cancelled and that was the end of our relationship.
It's been about a year since that happened. Things haven’t been exactly great, but I’ve managed. Well, some days ago, I received an invitation to the wedding of my cousin “Taylor” (26F).
Imagine my surprise when I read it and saw that my ex-fiance was the groom. I had only seen them barely interact during family meetings. I hadn’t noticed any clue that pointed to anything happening between the two of them all this time.
Some info about my cousin. She’s what some people would call a “free spirit”. She doesn’t have a conventional job, she works as an artist. She dyes her hair in unusual colors (sometimes blue, sometimes green, for example) and dresses extravagantly (once she wore a white robe, another time she wore a black leather jacket and spiked boots).
She says that she doesn’t like following society’s rules, and that she only follows her own code. Immediately, I called my parents. I asked them if they had known something about Taylor’s relationship with Travis.
To summarize, yes, they did, they hadn’t intended on telling me because they figured out there would be no positive outcome to it, but they also made it clear that they expected me to come to the wedding anyway in order to show support to my family.
At this point I lost it, and shouted that they were delusional if they believed that I would go to the wedding of my cheating liar ex and his manic pixie dream girl. They said that I can’t keep holding on to my hatred and resentment forever, and that I need to let go, but I hang up.
My extended family has been blowing up my phone since then, saying that I’m a bad person if I don’t attend. Right now I feel so confused, betrayed and disappointed. I’m no longer sure if I’m being irrational or not. So I think it might be best to ask for an outside point of view. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Jerseygirl2468
NTA your family is being ridiculous. They should have told you that your ex-fiance was involved with your cousin, especially when they got engaged, and they're out of line expecting you to show up and smile because "family". Family goes both ways - you're family too, and they should have told you what was happening.
I would make it clear that you are not holding onto "anger and resentment", you have moved on, and wouldn't have wanted to be married to a guy who would do that anyway (whether you feel that way or not, or are still angry or not, don't let them paint you that way). But you won't be attending the wedding, and it's inappropriate for anyone to ask you to do so.
PandaEnthusiast89
I am curious what the family's desired endgame was of not telling OP about this relationship. Surely she would have found out somehow - was their plan for her to eventually show up to Thanksgiving dinner and see her ex there with her cousin? Maybe the family was hoping the ex and the cousin broke up before OP ever found out they were involved? Weird all around.
mifflewhat
NTA. Tell your family that maybe if they'd been honest with you, you could have processed this and gotten over it, but since they withheld this information from you and it got sprung on you like this, you feel perfectly entitled to take the time you deserve to process and get over the shock and horror of not only being lied to by your ex, but also being treated this way by your less-than-supportive family.
Unique_Cauliflower62
NTA. I don't understand why your family would expect you to be fine with this - they've all had however many months to get used to the idea, but you find out this way and are expected to suddenly accept it.
Obviously this is going to sting; they should have been honest with you earlier so that you would be able process the situation. No one is entitled to your time, or your presence at their events. That said, I think you should have a conversation with your cousin to better understand the details of the situation, as you are getting your info second-hand.
Don't blow up at her or blame her - set aside your assumptions, steel yourself, listen to her perspective, and then decide how your relationship with her will need to change based on a more complete understanding and not your own biases/assumptions about their relationship.
Also, don't be surprised if she's pregnant - the timeline of their relationship is short, and it's entirely possibly your family is trying to fast-track your acceptance because there's a baby on the way.
TogarSucks
NTA. Obviously you don’t have to go to your ex’s wedding to a family member and your parents and everyone else suck not only for expecting you to, but also for hiding their relationship. Your reaction to that was very appropriate. The way you describe your cousin though drips with elitist resentment. Like you’re describing what would have been a fairly tame alt-fashion style 20 years ago.
When you talk about her in public do you glance around before whispering to your friends that she “dyes her hair unnatural colors” to make sure no one hears you, lest it cause a scandal? Did you put your hand to your forehead and faint when you saw her leather jacket and spiked boots?
Reasonable-Bad-769
NTA - Your family is whack. Sending you an invite is a slap in the face. A year ago you were steps away from marrying this guy. Then in a fingersnap you found out that he was cheating on you....with your cousin....and he's marrying her.
You are not hateful and your parents are AH's are for supporting the cousin over their daughter and putting "appearances" over your heartbreak and betrayal. I'm so sorry, OP. I hope you don't go and instead take time to heal and process this. Hugs.