'AITA for reporting my ex-husband to his parole officer?' 'He'd been lying to me for YEARS.'

"AITA for reporting my ex-husband to his parole officer?"

I (34F) was married to my ex-husband (39M) for five years, and for most of that time, we had a happy marriage. Toward the end of our relationship, he suddenly started bringing in a lot of money, claiming it was from side jobs as a contractor. I didn't suspect a thing since he would occasionally do this before.

Four years ago he was caught by the police on multiple charges of credit card fraud. I was devastated to learn he'd been lying to me for years, and I couldn't trust him anymore. I served him divorce papers while he was in prison and moved across the country to start over.

Since then, I've been trying to rebuild my life. I have a great new job that I love and have been dating my current boyfriend for six months. Things are going very well. He treats me right, and I'm happy. My ex was recently released early after serving only four years on good behavior. He's always been charming so I'm not surprised, but the suddenness of startled me.

Last week, my boyfriend and I were out to dinner when I noticed my ex walking up to our table, drink in hand. My heart sank. He claimed he "just wanted to see me," but he quickly started talking about how I was happier with him and that I shouldn't be with my current boyfriend. My boyfriend remained calm, but I asked my ex to leave, and to his credit, he did.

Ever since, I've felt extremely violated that he showed up unannounced like that from across the country right after getting out of prison. I went back and forth all week on whether or not go to the police and with the support of my current boyfriend I decided to. Once I told them about what happened, they said my ex would go back to jail to serve more of his sentence after violating probation.

Since then, I've been getting messages from old friends and my ex's family accusing me of overreacting and "ruining his life." They claim I should've just let it go. The one thing that makes me wonder if they're right is that I didn't really give him a chance to explain himself.

After what he did though, I don't think I owe him anything. I feel guilty about sending him back to prison, but relieved to know I don't have to talk to him again. AITA?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

saltyvet10 said:

If one of my exes had the audacity to approach me in front of my current boyfriend and demand I go back to him, there would be blood - and not mine. He f'd his life up. He damned well knew the limits of his parole and chose to violate them. He put his own butt back in prison. NTA.

Con4America said:

NTA. He went to the trouble of traveling across the country to find you. That is a safety issue right there. You didn't ruin his life, he did.

DoubleDownAgain54 said:

NTA. He chose to violate his probation and then stalk you.

Sweet-Interview5620 said:

NTA so let’s get this clear this wasn’t coincidental or innocent. He deliberately chose to break his probation to stalk you and force a confrontation. That with that level of fixation and the fact he so thought he had the right to do this then it’s clear that would have only been the start.

There was no excuse and nothing he could have said would have excused it even if you had listened. He would only have continued demanding you be with him whilst causing trouble with your boyfriend. He had no right to be there and he ruined his own life the moment he chose ti be a thief and then again when he decided he could break his probation and there would be no consequences.

He put himself back in prison no one else not you and if you’d ieft it he would have escalated. His behavior was already unhinged as it was it would have gotten worse. Have you asked yourself how he knew where you lived and where you’d be. He’s been going to extreme measures to stalk you. It was not innocent but dangerous and abusive and you needed to protect yourself and ensure he didn’t take it further.

You needed to ensure it would never happen again and in protecting yourself you did that. Now he knows he can’t mess with you and what he wants no longer is your concern.

Send one message to everyone who’s tried to blame you: “He broke his probation and not only stalked you but followed and harassed and scared you deliberately. He ruined his own life the moment he stole and ruined it again by showing he was a danger to you and breaking his probation.

He did that all by himself and you cannot and will not be blamed he’s thrown his life away. He’s in prison for his actions not yours. That if any one tries to contact you again about this or blames you for protecting yourself. Then you will have your lawyer take legal action each of them for harassment."

Now I would go to your divorce lawyer or the police and get them to contact the judge who will be handling charging him with breach of probation. Get them to ask for a restraint order taken out on him on his release so you will be automatically protected. Use the crime number and that you had to go to the police for him traveling states away to stalk and harass you.

I’d also take photos of all messages and record anyone who calls and get the lawyer to send cease and desist letters out to each of them with threat of legal action if the try and harass or contact you again. That or take a restraining order taken out on his family or friend who continue to harass you.

Take this seriously as all of it is a threat and people jump to get involved and harass you for your abuser but the moment they might get legal or criminal repercussions over something that’s not even about them it usually makes them decide it’s not worth damaging their life over. Yes the moment he did this he became your abuser.

ankur2848 said:

NTA. Your ex violated his probation by showing up unannounced and making you uncomfortable. You don’t owe him a chance to explain, he’s already proven he can’t be trusted. Reporting him was the right move to protect yourself and your new life. His actions have consequences, and his family’s guilt-tripping doesn’t change that. You did what you needed to feel safe.

mtngrl60 said:

NTA. I don’t think you quite realize how serious this was. This man is a manipulator. He kept up a charade with you for four years. And for him to have gone to prison, it was not some insignificant amount of fraud that he committed.

Let that sink in. For somebody to basically live that double life all that time and not have his spouse or his friends or his family know what he was doing required one hell of a lot of disregard for other people.

He had no compunction about lying to you. Lying to his family. Lying to his friends. Taking advantage of other people. Perpetuating fraud. He didn’t care. Do you understand how cold and calculating you have to be to do this?

How narcissistic and controlling you have to be to do this? How entitled you have to feel to convince yourself you have the right to do this stuff? You’re the piece that got away. That’s why he showed up clear across the country and had the audacity to walk up to you and your boyfriend and spout all that BS. Not to mention…how the hell did he know where you were? Did you even think about that?

Not just how did he know what city you were in. How did he know where you and your boyfriend were at for dinner? Has he been following you? Did he put an AirTag on your car? Someone like that going to those lengths to try to tell you and bullshit you about how you still be with him should scare the crap out of you. Because that’s not normal behavior. That’s like a sociopath.

I don’t care if his friends and family are unhappy. He’s going back to jail. That’s where he belongs. And the fact is that if any of them knew what he was doing, they should’ve given you a heads up.

So no, you’re certainly not overreacting. I think you’re underreacting. And you don’t owe him the chance to talk to you. He had that chance when he was married to you and look what he did with it.

Lied to you for years. Up ended your entire life. Embarrass you in front of your friends and family and community simply by association with him and all the crime he committed. And he somehow thought he had the right to follow you and tried to ruin your relationship? To try and talk you into coming back to him? Knowing he was violating parole… And again… He just didn’t care!

Yeah, you’re underreacting. The guy is not normal. His family can fuck right off. He knew what to do if he didn’t want to go back to jail… Don’t violate your parole. He just thought that once again, rules didn’t apply to him.