'AITA if I call my friend’s workplace to report her affair with an older married co-worker?'

"AITA for reporting my friend’s workplace affair with an older married man?"

I (24F) have known my friend Jillian (24F) since first grade. She has always liked unhealthy guys because has a very troubled relationship with her father. The whole “going after taken guys” thing started in high school.

She was obsessed with this boy who already had a girlfriend. The guy kept her around to do physical things with now and then. I wrote this off as naïveté and lack of discernment on her part. I thought she would grow from this.

After graduation, she was messing around with 3 different older men that she worked with. One of them had a fiancé, and one of them had a girlfriend. Her work found out about this somehow, and fired her. She began working at a different place in the same field.

She began hanging out with a married man in his 50s who also worked at this new place. I will call him Dave. This turned into getting physical and eventually sleeping together. Every time Jillian tells me about him, I ask her if she feels guilty. She says “Yeah” in a very empty and fake way. She obviously has no remorse at all about any of this.

She is very much a “pick me.” She obviously has very low self esteem. But recently I started to notice how completely vapid and pathetic she is. I can’t look at her the same. She goes around investing her time and energy into unhealthy men/relationships, but will cry to me about how she feels she has no friends. Every time I am with her, she is texting any number of guys on her “roster.”

She compulsively checks every notification and will text back any of these guys instantly. It makes being present with her really hard because I feel like entertainment for her between texts from her many many lovers.

This is where I might be the a-hole. I know it’s not necessarily my place, but I got so sick and tired of hearing about Dave day after day. I lost respect for her because she has no remorse, and she disrespects other women in the effort to gain male validation. These men just want to use her for her body, and she’s dumb enough to give in every time and still cry about it and play victim. It’s infuriating to witness.

I called her workplace and left an anonymous tip that the two were having an inappropriate workplace relationship. His wife deserves to know what’s going on. I don’t even care too much if the friendship is over because I realized she is too vapid to be real friends with anyway. She doesn’t know it’s me yet, but she might find out.

I used a fake number to call in with the tip, but there are still ways she could figure out it’s me. AITA? I think she deserves it. I would have told the wife directly if I could, but I just called the workplace because that was the only thing I could think to do. I’m not thing to ruin her life as much as I’m trying to just get the secret out to the necessary parties.

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

clearheaded01 said:

NTA. But doubtful the workplace will inform his wife, so... you achieve little.

Dump her as a friend - and realise you being passive while she does all this AND staying silent when she tells you, makes you complicit.

NoNeedleworker1574 said:

NTA, but calling her workplace was just damage control. The real win here is cutting her off. She's not just messy ...she’s actively hurting people and dragging you along for the ride. At some point, silence turns into complicity, and you finally drew a line. Good. Let her deal with the fallout of her choices...you’re not her cleanup crew.

OP responded:

I am most definitely NOT silent when she tells me. I have told her over and over again that this is morally wrong. I told her to put herself in the wife’s shoes. I asked her how she would feel. She just didn’t care or listen.

Pristine_House2840 said:

How were you friends with her for so long? Did she ever do this to you? You’re nta, she’s going to get her karma one way or another

OP responded:

I kept telling myself that she has terrible self esteem issues, and one day she will realize older men have been preying on her because of it. But she just doesn’t learn. She has never involved herself with anyone I’ve been with, no.

CatchMeWritinDirty said:

You may not be TA in this one instance, but you’re no hero either and here’s why. Ignoring your shit friend for a second here, let’s examine why you’re friends with her. You enjoy the show, simply put. This person clearly shares no values you claim to have, demonstrates problematic behavior, in your own words is vapid & selfish.

However, instead of holding her accountable or distancing yourself from what is clearly a draining & toxically bonded friendship, you’ve strung this girl along because you enjoy being the better person, the mature person. You like seeing the crash outs. Helping her pick up the pieces. You get a high on judging her and it’s obvious from the tone of this post.

Going behind her back feels justified because she’s awful and while you definitely did the right thing, you did it for the wrong reasons. You stayed in this girls life, probably nodded along while she continued to demonstrate highly problematic behavior & let it continue & build to this point while allowing her to believe she had a confidant in you.

Meanwhile, the right way to go about this situation would be to tell her straight up “if you don’t break it off with this guy, I’m telling his wife.” That’s holding true to your values. That’s being a real friend & holding someone accountable to their behavior. Instead, you wanted to set the match, run away, & watch the flames from afar, reveling in the destruction while taking none of the responsibility.

Don’t get me wrong, she definitely doesn’t deserve my defense AT ALL & she won’t get it, but this whole thing just felt less like bystander doing a good deed & more like you were waiting in the wings for an opportunity to see her get justice.

And Future-Battle-4926 said:

I just think that your commitment is to your friend, if you wanted to end the friendship because of that that would be fine, but reporting it is another thing.