'AITA for resenting my wife because of her disability?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for resenting my wife over her disability?"

Me (30M) and my wife (32F) have been married for three years. A year after we got together, my wife got hurt at work. She suffered a spine injury and she is now unable to stand for very long. She never pursued workman's comp and refuses to try and get disability.

Anytime I bring it up, she tells me to stop talking about it and that she doesn't want disability because she used to be able to work and getting SSD would just be a reminder that now she can't.

After her disability, I had to start taking care of things around the house she couldn't, which is understandable. Problem is, my job works me twelve hours a day, and since she no longer works, I've had to pick up overtime as often as I can.

She started to become much more impatient with me, telling me when I should have been home instead of when I got home, saying I should have been done with one task and onto another. I'd usually get dinner ready and we'd be finished with enough time for me to get maybe six hours of sleep.

However, she would often complain that there was still much more to be done and I didn't actually need very much sleep to function. This would usually lead to an argument before she would often relent and let me get some sleep for the following day.

The weekends weren't much better and she would often demand housework throughout the day and night and, if I said anything otherwise, she would tell me a real man would have no problem with any of what she was asking.

I've tried talking to her, about how much pressure she's putting on me, about how stressful it is now becoming the sole provider. She either dismisses me as being childish, tells me I'm not being a man, or calls me an asshole for reminding her that she's worthless. When I talk about how much work I have to do around the house, she tells me to quit my job and find one where I can work eight hours a day.

For a while now, I've resented her and have started to wonder if I really love her or if I'm just staying because I feel I owe it to her. When we met, she had a son (now 14). I also owned a motorcycle and a nice car (challenger), which I ended up pawning to cover bills.

Every single day I hate myself for feeling the way I do, but I can't help but feel resentful and angry towards my wife for how she behaves now since her injury.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

arceus555 said:

NTA. But it's not her disability, it's her attitude that's the problem. She obviously has issues from her disability but she is taking out her frustration on you. You're already having to work overtime and do all the housework and she belittles and insults you, and she refuses to claim disability which only adds to your financial stress.

It sounds like she needs therapy to help work out her issues. If she refuses, there's always the stereotypical Reddit route of getting a divorce, but keep in mind, that to an outside observer, it will look like you're abandoning your disabled wife. Consider your options and proceed with caution.

Celt42 said:

SSDI isn't just $. If her disability is bad enough she can't handle activities of daily living, they cover the cost of an in home care provider. So someone to come in and do those chores. Refusing to pursue disability or workman's comp makes me wonder if she's amplifying her disability.

Not saying she didn't get injured, but not wanting to face what you can't do any longer is not enough of a reason to not seek assistance that's needed.

NTA. Can you afford a maid? Twice a month deep clean is under $200 in my area. I've looked into it and tried to see if I could justify the expense. You've got a compelling reason to need one.

The_biters said:

NTA as she honestly needs swallow her pride and file for disability. She can get additional help from the government (ie, therapy, home assistance, etc...) which will relieve the burden you hold. You need to tell her your feelings as I doubt will go away til she changes.

Marriages are a partnership, so sometimes you need to put in more effort. If you hit a wall with her and she refuses to change for a long period of time, then consider a separation. But that should be last resort.

DeafReddit0r said:

NTA 💯- your wife is TA for that toxic masculinity crap. She really needs counseling to cope with having a disability. It can be quite traumatic for someone who never experienced disabilities. Just because she’s in pain, it doesn’t mean she gets to be a pain. You’ve put up with her horrible attitude long enough.

If you are ready to leave, maybe think about giving her an ultimatum on getting into counseling and to work with you on seeking support for her disability or you leave; putting up with the mental abuse just because she has a disability should never be OK.

Edit from OP:

Oh, wow, I didnt think this post would get anywhere near as much attention as it has. I'm going to try and talk to my wife again and explain everything as thoroughly as I can. I'd like to work everything out instead of just jumping right to divorce, but if she won't listen to me, it's not like I can force her to go through with anything. I'm going to try and get us both lined up for some counseling.

Thank you so much to everyone, just for taking the time to read through my story, and especially for commenting and reaching out. It means a lot.

He later shared this first update:

Thank you again to everyone for your posts. I took the weekend and sat down with my wife to discuss our issues. She insisted everything was fine and that I should drop it before I start a fight. I persisted and we got into an argument.

I told her that her options were to find a job where she could sit, get disability, therapy, or we could end it. I told her to think about it and I would be leaving for a couple days to let her decide.

Probably not my best decision. I spent those days living in my car. I don't have anyone to turn to right now...I left Saturday and came back yesterday. Wasn't long after walking through the door I heard those three painful words, "I hate you" coming from her and my step son. I guess I got my answer. I grabbed what clothes I could carry, tossed them in my car, and left.

Not an ending I was hoping for, but it's an ending. I left pretty much everything behind, but it's just stuff. I can buy more stuff. I'm looking into places I can stay at when I get paid next. Sorry I don't have a happier ending, but at least I can start to rebuild.

Second update:

My wife found my hidden reddit account. I lied. Almost all of this is lies. I never confronted her. O never told her any of this. I never left. This is all bs and theatrics from a very childish man trying to take the blame off of himself. My wife stayed with me through me cheating not once but twice.

My wife supported us working 2 jobs when I was studying to become a gunsmith even though she has an auto immune disease. Yeah... GUNSMITH. I didn't take it seriously though and she ended up doing half the tests and projects herself so at least the money wouldn't be wasted. I just gave up, laid around, and played video games.

She worked 24+ hours shifts as a CNA running her body into the ground to support us while I couldn't even wash a dish or lift a finger to help around the house and picked fights with a 13-14 year old child.

When I finally got a job I acted like an insufferable prick and even though I only worked 9 to maybe 10 hours a day and my wife still worked 2 jobs barely getting sleep in between each while also taking care of the cooking and cleaning I was much more tired than her and she just didn't understand...

I just... all of this. All of this is such bull. The things I have put up with and supported this man through. Then to find all of this... again. He didn't have the balls to leave but I do. I will be much much better off without all of this. Don't believe everything you read kiddos...