'AITA for not revealing gender or names to family and friends for my future child?'

"AITA for not revealing gender or names to family and friends for my future child?"

This has gotten so outta whack it's crazy. I 38f am 6 month pregnant with my first child. I do not have a great relationship with my in laws, but it's not horrible. They are very very active on social media and it drives me crazy.

I'm talking 4 or 5 posts daily. I initially didn't tell anyone I was pregnant (including my husband) until I past the 12 week mark.

I am a high risk pregnancy and I didn't want anyone to get their hopes up. Thankfully everything is running smooth as can be. Over Thanksgiving weekend both sides of our family was asking for gender and wanting to talk baby names etc.

My own mother knows we don't want to share and has been very supportive. My own siblings and in laws however have been hounding me. Ive told them I don't know the gender (and don't want to know because it doesn't really matter either way) and we are set in our name choices.

I refuse to share our picks because they have a tendency to post stuff all the time. Besides we have several names picked out, but we might change our minds when the child is born. They keep accusing me of pushing them out, but honestly I just don't trust them based on how they act/post. My husband is 110% on the same page.

Here's the asshole part, the questions and suggestions wouldn't stop. I've calmly and politely asked them to stop, Im no stranger to newborns as they have been my lifes work for over 20 years. I finally got fed up and said if they didn't stop the hounding I'll name the baby Rudolph.

My MIL said "why can't you ever do anything normal, this is the fun part and you're ruining it for all of us" I could tell I hurt her feelings but everything I do ends up all over social media which isn't something I want for my child.

My husband quickly told his family to back off and if they wanted to be involved then maybe actual effort instead of badgering me and trying to constantly give advice would be a better start.

It blew up from there with decades long crap getting dug up. We left and of COURSE his sister posted about it on her Instagram... proving my point. I did however unintentionally make it worse. We currently have our phones off because I keep getting called the "bh that made mom cry". AITA?

Let's take a look at some top comments and responses from OP:

aup writes:

NTA. You’re setting reasonable boundaries and their reaction proves exactly why those boundaries are necessary. Sharing your baby’s gender or name is your choice, not theirs, and your in-laws’ inability to respect that validates your concerns.

The Rudolph comment might’ve been snippy, but honestly, they pushed you to that point by ignoring your polite requests to stop. Your husband backing you up is a solid sign that you’re handling this as a team. At the end of the day, you’re the parent, and it’s your decision how much information you share.

OP replies:

I always knew I found that rare make creature in my husband. He has had his fair share of issues with his family even before me, so he is well versed in setting boundaries and he doesn't feel bad at all for how it went down.

I felt guilty because I'm used to a supportive mom and I've never really had to set boundaries with someone before... it's all new and I'm worried I'm too hormonal to see straight.

featy writes:

NTA, and valid in your reasons. It seems like your MIL is excited for you, and probably herself too, new grandbaby! Is there a way to set boundaries, while offering an olive branch of some kind?

Have a sit down convo with her and your husband, lay out (again) why you don't want to give any names yet, and kindly and firmly explain your stance on social media; but "we love how excited you are to welcome this baby into the world!

They are so lucky to have a grandmother like you waiting to meet them. We don't want you to feel like we don't care, but we will not budge on the names, or anything to do with our child being online.

Instead, would you like to (help with the baby shower, help with the nursery, baby proof the house with us, go baby shopping with us, go to one of those sonogram places where they have the couches for family and meet the grandbaby for like 15 minutes, help me meal prep before the baby comes, insert shit you do when a baby comes here)?"

Hold your ground, but offer something else instead that you are comfortable with. If she says no, well, you tried!

gaglhpu writes:

NTA. If people cannot respect your choices for your family and children they do not have to be a part of your life. This goes for blood relations as well as friends.

I never told people I was pregnant until week 12 or later. It’s really none of their business. I never found out the gender. Even if I had, I would have kept it secret. I never shared my list of names, because I didn’t have one, I waited to see my babies until naming them.

But even if I had a list I would have never shared it. I barely post my kids and everyone knows to not post them without my permission. They can take pics and videos of course but share them with me privately and do not share them with anyone else. People have been cut out of my life entirely for violating my rule about this.

Child predators are a real thing and I don’t want my kids out there. Also it should be up to them whether they want their pictures plastered all over the internet or not.

Unsolicited advice is bogus. That’s not being involved. That’s being nosy and pushy. Being involved would look like them being excited for the baby! Asking if you need anything. Helping to organize a meal train for when you deliver.

Coming up with a schedule for cleaning your house and running errands for you when the baby comes so you’re free to sleep and bond with your child. Buying items you need. Setting up a cloth diaper service or disposable diaper delivery. I am glad your husband is sticking up for you! He is a good man.

Listen to me! You have done nothing wrong. Nothing at all. You didn’t make it worse. They are 100% at fault for this. And not you. And calling you a bh? Well what about all them upsetting you by blatantly disrespecting you and your wishes for your child.

None of them have to be allowed to participate in your child’s life. That is a privilege not a right you and your spouse extend to people you deem fit.

You are most definitely NTA!!! Cut out any toxic people now before that precious baby gets here. Peace is worth everything.

vovoen writes:

NTA - their behavior is WAY out of line. They need to stay in their lane. It is YOUR baby and YOUR information to share (or not). Fine to ask, but once you said you didn't know/weren't disclosing, they needed to BACK OFF.

You're making the right decision here. I learned that with my own pregnancies. We did not tell MIL until I was out of my first tri with both. Telling her is like printing something on the front page of the paper, so we shared the news accordingly. With our first, we made the mistake of sharing the name in advance of his birth.

All it did was cause issues - comments, judgements, "alternate choices to consider", etc. - that we had no wish to hear nor did we need. Older and wiser with our second, we were very coy with names up until after he was born.

We were just really vague about it as in "Oh, no clear winner yet" or "We just can't decide" or "It'll be a game day decision." Then, when he was born and already named, we shared the news. Amazing how many fewer comments there are when the baby is already named. :-) Anyway, you do you. Your ILs are the ones who look like jerks here, not you.

fla89 writes

NTA. People are so dumb. Some people are so wrong that it’s not worth it fighting with them to understand right. If someone wants to say 2+2=5 and no amount of conversation will get them to see the light, then there’s no use talking. Just agree it’s 5 and move on.

I would have just said you haven’t picked but have narrowed it down to 3 names. Give them 3 normal names you are not picking. This will keep them from blasting on socials since it’s only narrowed down and not picked.

It keeps you from saying what names you want, and keeps you stress free without getting hounded by dumb people who feel like they deserve something about the pregnancy.