Argument over parenting priorities escalates when working mom questions sister’s failed marriage at Christmas party. AITA?
"AITA for causing a rift in my brother’s marriage by calling out my sister-in-law for lying in front of everyone at my Christmas party?"
Basically, I (26F) hosted a big Christmas party at my house last weekend, and what was supposed to be a fun evening spent celebrating as a family turned into a bit of a shit show, all because of my sister-in-law “Hannah” (31F).
Now, for some context: my wife “Jess” (28F) and I got married this past September. We wanted to keep the wedding small and intimate, so the decision was made that the wedding would essentially be “child free,” with an exception for my half sister (16F) since she’s an older kid and I had asked her to be one of my bridesmaids.
Back when my brother Alex (30M) and his wife Hannah had RSVP'd for the wedding, I made sure to call and remind them that, sadly, their baby couldn’t come with them because it’s child-free.
I also want to mention here that I had told them about this back when we went to visit my brother and his family in the summer. Anyway, while on the phone, they said they hadn’t forgotten and they had already planned for Hannah’s mom to babysit.
However, when the day of the wedding came, Alex and Hannah showed up with, you guessed it, my then 8-month-old nephew. I’ll be honest and admit that I’m kind of a pushover, and I didn’t want to make a scene on my wife and I’s special day, so I regrettably let it go.
We got about two minutes into the ceremony before extremely loud screaming and crying from my nephew began. The worst part was that they tried to ignore it at first, for about another 2 minutes, before Hannah finally excused herself and him.
Unfortunately, she couldn’t go into another room because we were on a beach. At first she just tried to walk further down the beach, but the crying could still be heard loud and clear, so she eventually walked back to their car and later decided that her and my nephew would go home and not stay for the reception, and only my brother Alex would stay.
Fast forward to the Christmas party. Everything was perfect until Alex, Hannah, and nephew show up, after she had reached out a month prior to tell me they wouldn’t be coming at all and would be spending time with her family.
I was annoyed and decided to pull them aside when I went to greet them and asked why they didn’t tell me they were coming, because I honestly didn’t make enough food to feed two more people for dinner, not to mention I had nothing for their son. Alex gave me a confused look and asked why I thought they weren’t coming, and when I told him the reason why, all hell broke loose.
Alex obviously questioned Hannah as to why she would do this, and her response was to immediately, and loudly, accused me of lying and of hating my nephew. Obviously this got the attention of the room and everyone stopped and turned to look at us like something out of a movie.
He then asked why she would think I hate their son, especially considering I agreed to change the policy to allow him to come to the wedding… which, as you already know, I did not do.
I quickly told Alex that wasn’t true and explained myself and my reasoning behind my choice, that it wasn’t personal, AND that I OF COURSE love my nephew. I reminded them that I was super cool about the crying and never said anything, even when I probably should’ve.
Jess started to walk over to us from the kitchen (most likely to try and diffuse the situation, bless her heart) all while Hannah doubled down and tried to make it seem like I was lying, so I lost it and said, “Well, if I’m a liar who hates your kid, then I guess you should probably get the eff out of my house.” Jess stopped dead in her tracks and the silence that came after was eerie.
Hannah then started crying, and quickly left with my nephew and slammed the front door behind her. My brother turned and gave me a sad look before following behind her.
It didn’t take long before I started to feel embarrassed that I let things escalate like that. Jess comforted me after they left and we ended the party early because I don’t even know how to properly process what just happened.
Later, my brother texted me, saying he didn’t know who to believe. Apparently, Hannah is adamant that I allowed her to bring their son to the wedding last minute because I “felt bad for trying to control what she gets to do with her baby.”
She’s also saying I made the Christmas party thing up as well, claiming I’ve “always had a vendetta against her” and want to make her look bad. Alex says he just needs time and that he’s heartbroken and worried that Hannah isn’t who he thought she was. Other family members have been texting me, saying they’re on my side, but I do kind of feel like an asshole for how I handled everything at the party.
I know Hannah is trying to drag my name through the mud, but I feel guilty for making her cry, intentionally trying to publicly humiliate her, and for ruining the vibe of my own party. So, AITA for causing a rift in my brother’s marriage by calling out my sister-in-law for lying in front of everyone at my Christmas party?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NTA, and in future, group text her and your brother so you have the receipts when she RSVPs or not.
NTA and I agree and if she tries to message you on the side screen shot and share to the group message. Telling her EVERYTHING goes through the group chat.
NTA. Tell your brother that you know he has to support his wife, but you did say it to her. Going forward you'll put all social event details through him. Problem solved.
“For trying to control what she gets to do with her baby.” That was her real feelings about your wedding request to be childfree. Liars always tell on themselves. Instead of being an adult and discussing any concerns with you, she decided to manipulate the situation and go behind your and your brother’s back.
She did this to herself, release your guilt. You shouldn’t want your brother married to such a person anyway. I feel so sorry for your nephew growing up with a mother like that, so far so bad.
If he stays with her, moving forward make sure everything related to events and planning is in writing, through your brother only, or on a group chat. And don’t accept phone calls from her.
NTA and your SIL is a manipulative liar. In the future make sure everything either goes through your brother or is in writing.
NTA. It's nice that you feel compassionate toward your SIL, especially for your brother's sake. But you didn't create this problem and if you didn't call her out on her lies and manipulation, she would just do it more.
You can't really "keep the peace" in a family situation like this. Trying to keep the peace is like trying to hold down the lid on a pot that's trying to boil over - you can hold that lid all you want but the pressure is going to keep building until it explodes unless you do something about the actual source of the problem.
And there's no way you could have handled this where no one would get upset. You've probably chosen the path that would lead the lowest total amount of upset over time, even if it meant an uncomfortable amount of upset right now.