'ATIA for 'forcing' my fiancé to choose between me and his mother?' FIANCE RESPONDS
"ATIA for 'forcing' my fiancé to choose between me and his mother?"
I (31F) and my fiancé (36M) are set to get married in July this year. We met through a mutual friend earlier years ago year and our relationship progressed. He's literally the perfect guy, but the problem is his mother, Katie (name changed).
Katie has been critical of me from day one. She often tells my husband that he "could do better" and I am just an "uneducated sl^&." I could usually disregard her, but when he proposed she went to a whole new level.
The main incident occurred when we when to visit her a few days ago to announce our engagement. My future husband excitedly showed her the ring, but she just grimaced. She looked at him and, I repeat, said, "Are you really going to marry that (r-word) gold digger?" My fiancé laughed nervously and we left quickly after.
A little context, I have high functioning autism, I doesn't affect me too much on a daily basis, but I have trouble interpreting emotion.
After we got home I sobbed and asked my husband to tell his mom this needs to stop. He didn't say much, just that he loves me and he will get better, but he can't say anything to his mom.
When I pushed for answers he said he can't do anything about it and left. His sister sent me a text later telling me I can't make him choose between me and his mother. Im so confused because I literally didn't even ask him to do that. Is there something I'm missing?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Don’t do this to yourself. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t
He's not the perfect guy. You're lying to yourself and letting yourself in for years of misery before she breaks you up.
As someone else who has diagnosed your very clearly missing a nonverbal cue from you fiancé, and it probably means that he doesn’t care about his mom acting like that to you.
3 days later OP came back with this update:
Hey y'all, thanks so much for all of your replies. Sorry I didn't respond to any comments, I'm just in a really dark place right now. For the update:
My fiance came home the next morning (two days ago) and started acting like everything was normal. He didn't even mention the fight we had. Finally, that night I sat him down and asked him why he was acting normally. He responded that, "it was a minor fight, and we shouldn't dwell on it."
This made me mad because it was a big deal for me, and that fight made me question our relationship. I told him this and he scoffed. In that moment I looked at him, and asked him, "Is it really not a big deal that your mother called me and r-word gold digger?"
He just scoffed again and said something about her getting older and not knowing what that ment. I was done at that point. His mother is 63 years old and acts the same way she did when I met her years ago. I packed a bag, called my friend to pick me up and left. I've been staying at her place since then. Not sure where my life is headed now
Here's what people had to say after the update:
He knows it wasn’t a ‘minor’ fight. He just knows you’re in the right about it, and didn’t want to address it.
Your life is headed to freedom and happiness! Your boyfriend can remain tied to mommy forever. Maybe she can even learn to do that thing he REALLY likes.
NTA. Run. He just posted a response (included below). Now I'm not the greatest husband in the world, but you don't talk about the woman you claim to love this way to people. Disrespectful. This will not get better after you get married.
If anything it will get worse. Not only will he continue to disrespect you regardless of it having to do with his mother, but he will only continue to side with her and against you.
Even if she had dementia, and it doesn't sound like she does, you don't get a free pass to be terrible to people. The least he could have done is to be kind and loving in private afterwards. He didn't.
Oh my god. I literally can't believe this. This makes me want to puke and cry at the same time.
2 days after this update OP's (ex?) fiancé posted this "ATIA for choosing my mom over my fiancé??":
Hey, yesterday my friend sent me a post that was made by my fiancé. She totally makes me look like a villain so I just have to say my side. We've been dating for awhile now and it's been great aside from the past few days.
My mother (63f) is a single mother that raised me and my sister alone. She has always been the most supportive mother ever and I love her to the end of the world. She is getting on in her years now, and is not the same person she was. She has always been a little overprotective of me, and so she has never fully accepted my fiancé. I didn't think it was that big of a deal since she doesn't say anything directly to my fiancé.
Then last weekend when we were announcing our engagement at her house. My mom wasn't too thrilled and I admit made a rude remark regarding my fiancé's autism. We left quickly after and I comforted my fiancé for over an hour. I ordered her take out, made a bath for her and put on a movie.
I explained to her that my mom is getting older and doesn't have full control of what she says. My fiancé kept pushing and I eventually snapped and told her I can't do anything about it. Im not sure my fiancé understands because her she doesn't have a close bond with her mom.
I stayed at my mom's housed went back in the morning. Long argument short my fiancé started blowing the comments my mother made way out of proportion not even bothering to mention her age. LIKE I SAID my mom is OLD now she doesn't understand this fully.
She left and I haven't seen her since. Her friend contacted me and said I'm the AH for choosing my mom over her? I'm not choosing my mom over her though, and we are still getting married so ATIA??
Here's what people had to say to OP's fiancé:
AGE IS NOT AN EXCUSE TO BE A SH%^&TY PERSON. After 63 years, your mother doesn’t have the self control to keep rude comments to herself? You ABSOLUTELY could’ve done something. You chose to not defend your fiancée because you’re too busy hanging on mom’s teat. YTA and your fiancée dodged a ------- nuke.
My husband is going to be 62 in July. I didn’t realize he is old and should no longer be accountable for what he says.
Perhaps you should have remained quiet and let us think you are an a&^ instead of posting and removing all doubt.
On the same day OP posted this "final update":
Hey everyone thanks so much for all of your support. Im so tired of everything right now. Here is a final update I hope. As some of you may have seen my fiancé posted an AITA post earlier today. I haven't seen him since our last fight. He was pretty much getting destroyed in the comments, so that made me feel a little better.
So anyways after he post this he calls me and like an idiot I pick up. And let me tell you this man did not sound stable... First he was crying begging for me back and then he was screaming a me to, "Get the f back here."
It was heartbreaking to hear the man I thought I was going to marry sound so pyscho. I recorded the call just incase I needed evidence and then I hung up and blocked him everywhere.
About an hour later he shows up to my friends house acting crazy and saying somethings I can't repeat here. I called the police and after they took him away. I left to stay at a hotel. My friend has been really supportive but I can't put her in danger.
I hope this is the final update but if anything else happens is there a different sub I can post in? I feel likeI'm deviating from AITA. Again thanks for all the support. It truly means more to me than I can ever say.
Here's what people had to say after this update:
He learned at his mommy’s knee. Treat people like s, and they should bow down and worship you.
Did you read his post? He actually is delulu enough that he thinks they're still getting married 😂😂
Just read your ex-fiancé’s post. What a spineless mama’s boy. Good for you for finally seeing you deserve SO much better than settling for him and his mommy.
“Oh no, the consequences of my actions” - him
Hahaha