'AITA for 'ruining' our family dinner after my mom's comment about my smile?'

"AITA for ruining our family dinner after a comment about my smile?"

We're currently on a family vacation. Myself, husband, two kids and my parents. A little background... my mother is odd and my dad has commented as long as I can remember that she and l are like oil and water. I can't even put her oddness completely into words, other than to say she feels competitive over my father's attention- not even with just me, but also with her grandsons.

If my father wants to read them a story, or tuck them in bed, she interrupts and tells him it's time for him to go to sleep?? It's incredibly cringy to watch.

The other pertinent fact is that I have chronic pain- every avenue has been exhausted, my successful career is gone, but my mother always downplays it acting like I just have a little headache when she knows that I am never not in pain. In contrast, she is constantly looking for a reason to see a new doctor- every tiny twinge is the end of the world for her.

So tonight we were set to go out for our first family dinner.. We get to the lobby, everyone's dressed up and it's decorated for Christmas, so l'm getting pictures. I finally ask my dad if he would take a picture of our family of 4. As we’re posing with our children in front, I see my mother go right up next to my dad and yell out, "Stop that! You need to fix your smile."

I honestly think she's talking to one of our boys. Since I can't see their faces, I add in, "ok, nice smiles". However, my mom interjects again, "No, you, (my name)! Your smile is horrible! It looks like ‹she takes her fingers, puts them on each side of her mouth and pulls one up and one down while tilting her head›!"

I'm honestly baffled as I am genuinely smiling. I realize that my smile probably doesn't extend up to my eyes like it used to as a result of the pain, but she’s acting like I was doing a goofy face.

I go to reset and she once again yells, "Stop making that face!" At this point I'm angry. I leave the pose, get the phone from my dad, pick up my purse and start walking towards the restaurant. But she's not done. She hurries after me and continues to tell me how I need to look at the photos to see how awful my smile was. I did. It was not! There was NOTHING wrong with the picture!

The fact that she kept going on and on justifying her actions, l was finally just done. I stopped walking, told my husband I'm sorry but I'm going to go back to the room and that he and the kids can go to dinner without me. I was on fire with anger which gave way to tears as soon as I was out of her presence.

So in her mind (and maybe everyone else's) I'm the one who ruined dinner, and I probably did... I should be able to just let her words roll off me. I feel such a shell of my former self from everything l've lost to this devouring pain- now I can’t even smile correctly! However, I’m pretty sure I’m being TA to the people I love the most and that makes the whole thing even worse.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

WhereWeretheAdults said:

NTA. It is past time to put some distance between you and your mother. She has serious issues if she is this jealous of you and your children's interactions with your father. That is not mentally healthy.

Realize two things. First thing is what she is doing is what is known as mental abuse. That is all it is. The constant degrading is abuse. She is humiliating you in public for maximum effect. This is coming from her unhealthy need to be the center of attention. She see's you as competition for that, so acts to emotionally hurt you to eliminate the competition. She is not well.

The second thing to realize is this. Being around her is teaching your children that it is OK to disrespect you and that they should tolerate disrespect from loved ones. This is setting a terrible example for your children. Remove them from that dynamic.

Dad is at best an enabler. He just let's mom run all over you to her heart's content. He's not innocent in this story. So the TLDR - Your parents are terrible - time to focus on your own family and get some space from them.

MissNikiL said:

NTA. You did not ruin the dinner. Your mom did. She deliberately degraded you, pushed you, heckled you, and shamed you. All the other adults, including your husband, suck. Your husband should have stood up for you. Period. Instead he watched her do all these things and knew you were hurt by them.

Your Dad has let your Mom get away with this behavior literally your entire life. He let her verbally and emotionally abuse you. Period. Your Mom is an abusive, cruel, and narcissistic butthole. I'm sure she's enjoying all the attention she's getting by playing the victim.

For your mental health, please find a therapist to help you process everything. Chronic pain, a husband who won't stand up for you, and parents that run roughshod over you are absolutely things therapy can help you with. And start going low contact with your parents now. They don't deserve front row seats to your pain.

And elgrn1 said:

Your mother sounds like a narcissist. There are ways to handle them, by either grey rocking or going no contact. While you're not in the wrong for leaving, you gave her what she wanted, which was an emotional reaction.

Your father presumably enables her, but if your husband stayed, and moreover is mad at you (as opposed to your assumption he thinks negatively) then you also have a husband problem. You should be working with a specialist therapist who can help you confront the trauma resulting from having a narcissistic parent.

And may find there's a connection between the trauma and your pain issues (trauma can be mental and somatic, which means of the body, as it's possible for trauma to migrate and cause physical issues. The body keeps the score by Bessel van der Volk and it didn't start with you by Mark Wolyn are good resources on this).