SAHD tells SIL, 'Keep your opinions to yourself, you have NO SAY in how my kids eat.' AITA?

"AITA for telling my SIL to practice keeping her opinions to herself because she doesn't get a say in how my kids eat?"

I'm (30M) a stay at home dad. My wife (29F) and I have two kids together. Our oldest is 4 and our youngest is 18 months. I became the stay at home parent when our oldest was born.

My brother (36M) is married to SIL (39F) and they have five kids together between the ages of 4 and 10. SIL was "stunned" when I became the stay at home parent vs my wife.

She has a more "traditional" view of marriage and family and believes the mom is more important in the home than the dad and that the dad is more important as the provider. Stunned and traditional are her choice of words, just so you're aware.

So I always felt like she was more critical of me as a parent. Maybe not in clear ways before now but her attitude made me feel like she was watching closely to see if I was good enough.

The way my wife and I feed our kids is different to how my SIL and my brother feed their kids. SIL believes in 3 meals a day no matter what the age and nothing more or less. She believes that is the way it has been done for centuries and it works. My wife and I approach it differently.

We feed the kids smaller, more frequent meals and snacks. Because of this I carry around lunch boxes for both my kids that have foods they eat throughout the day if we go anywhere.

And at home my wife or I have stuff pre-made and ready to go. This means my kids eat little meals or snacks every three-ish hours. Not large quantities but smaller and more frequently than my nieces and nephews.

SIL thinks it's "insanity" and she has told me I make more work for myself and claims I'm trying to "be different because I'm a dad doing the primary caregiving".

She told me I should practice doing things differently because in the real world this stuff won't work and preschool and school won't allow for this, which isn't true with the where we have chosen to send our kids to school.

But she doesn't want to hear that. I spoke to my brother about his wife's comments on the choices my wife and I made to feed our kids and how it's not helpful or needed. He said he knows but that it's just how she is. I told him if she keeps it up she will be told to shut up, maybe or maybe not in a nicer way. He just shrugged.

I hit this limit on Friday when SIL saw me out with the kids and my dad and FIL (the three of us grocery shop together some Fridays). She brought it up out of nowhere because she saw the bag I keep the lunch boxes in.

She didn't even see them eat anything but needed to say something. She told me I should practice better eating habits and I told her she should practice keeping her opinions to herself because she doesn't get a say in how my kids eat and she doesn't get to open her big mouth about it every time she sees me now.

She stormed off outraged and there have been multiple texts from her and my brother since. He's mostly just telling me what she's saying but she is big mad. AITA?

Let's see what readers had to say:

crimes6 writes:

NTA, you need to do what works for you and she’s overstepping. You never asked her opinion and she should not have given it.

You did, however, open the door for our opinions, so I’m going to squeeze in my two cents. Feel free to ignore it.

Just make sure you also set them up for success for when they’re not with you all of the time. There will be times when they’re at a friend’s house for a playdate, at school or, someday, at work, where immediate food gratification won’t be an option.

You may also want to give them the opportunity to become hungry once in a while, if only so that they learn to listen to their body. Always eating before the hunger mechanism is triggered, or allowing it to trigger constantly could be a recipe for disordered eating later in life.

I’m not saying you have to upend their whole routine, just work in some times where they have to wait a bit longer every once in a while, and make sure their emotional and physical reactions are healthy.

afacy4 writes:

NTA - Your SIL is just an 16th century busybody and her grasp of parenting is right of a Charles Dickens novel. Tell her and your brother that she is no longer welcome around you and your kids until and unless she apologizes to you for her atrocious behavior and can keep her vile comments to herself.

Let her and the brother be outraged all they want because those texts can be easily blocked. She has stepped over a huge line and needs to be firmly put into her place. Remember , you 'Never Argue With Stupid People. They Will Drag You Down To Their Level and Then Beat You With Experience.' And then block them.

nipat writes:

NTA. She believes that is the way it has been done for centuries and it works.

Your SIL believes wrong. Do you really think that serfs in imperial Russia were getting 3 meals per day? Or the workers in victoriana workhouses?

And many cultures don't do the whole '3 set meals per day' thing, and amongst the cultures that do, there is huge variance in the sizes of the meals (the evening meal being the largest is actually only the case in a minority of cultures, I believe, and is mostly a post-industrial thing).

Also, schools in the UK literally have a mid-morning break for kids to have a snack, and an after-school snack at around 3-3:30pm is pretty standard last I checked. And your kids aren't even school aged - and 18 month old should be eating smaller amounts more frequently, because they have smaller stomachs.

You know, kindnof like how babies need feeding every couple of hours - or does she think that they suddenly switch from feeding every couple of hours to three set meals per day as soon as they turn 1?

Your SIL is being weird. I garentee that she was doing the same thing when her kids were under the age of 4, and is just looking for something to nitpick and chose this because it's something she is currently doing differently.

platypu6 writes:

NTA. Growing up my Dad did a lot of the childcare or I went to childminders. This was because he had low paying jobs and my Mum earned all the money. 45 Years on and I am well adjusted and happy, so she can stick that in her pipe and smoke it!

She's all up in your business and threatened because HER stereotypical view of the world is being challenged. Does she have other opinions about family units? Such as same gender adoption? If there were 2 dads do they both work and do 2 Mums stay at home? It is not your job to confirm to her world, she is not God/ Boss of the world.

As for your nutritional choices for your children, as long as they are happy and healthy it is nobody's business. I assume you don't timebound the 3 hour slots and if the kids are not hungry you don't force them to eat. I admit it can be a minefield for adults and kids and there are more opinions and methods than there are stars in the sky. Do what works and keeps your family healthy.

gratou writes:

NTA. It sounds to me like she's looking for "proof" that men are less qualified to take care of children, and has zeroed in on your style of feeding your kids because it's the most visibly "different" thing you do, and possibly the only thing she can find fault with at the moment.

I imagine that, as the kids get older, she will continue to find fault with anything you do that's non-traditional. School choices, clothes you let the kids wear, media you allow/disallow them to consume, etc.

Like another person said, she was likely raised to believe that women are natural caregivers and automatically the correct choice for being the primary or stay-at-home parent.

You making the choice to stay home messes with her world view, and if you also turn out to be good at it, and don't irrevocably screw up your children with your maleness, it makes her choice to go along with "tradition" feel less valid.

Suddenly, she's a SAHM because she chose it over everything else she could have done instead, rather than simply assuming a role because nature/god/The Easter Bunny dictated it, and if she's unsatisfied, it's now her fault.