'AITA for saying if my brother wants to attend my wedding, he can reach out to ME?'

"AITA for saying if my brother wants to attend my wedding, he can reach out to me?"

I (29F) am getting married in August. I have a younger brother (28M) with whom I used to be close, but our relationship has deteriorated in recent years, culminating in us not speaking for over two years now.

My relationship with my brother started to get rocky 7 years ago when I graduated from college. We lived together and we argued all the time: from my side, we argued about things that I found inconsiderate or disrespectful, and he usually told me I was in the wrong for feeling that way...

(e.g., one weekend I was out of town and came home to find that my bed was stained + several of the snacks I paid for separately/kept in my room were missing. My brother said he’d let a friend sleep in my room and he ate my food; when I was angry he'd done this...

...he claimed I only ever got angry with him over material things and said I'm selfish. On his end, he would get upset with me if I went out with my friends and didn’t include him (even if he’d previously said he didn’t like them) and would tell me that I was unempathetic because he had been struggling with depression and I wasn’t supportive enough (for example by not including him).

Things took a real turn when I decided to stop living with him 4 years ago. I moved in with my boyfriend (now fiancé) to a different state. My brother never finished college, and he has worked for a sum total of 3 of the past 10 years.

My parents paid his rent for 10 years and still do now. My parents graciously paid in full for me to go to college, and he was offered the same fully paid for. For a 6-month period 3 years ago, my mother wouldn’t allow my brother to re-sign the lease on his 2-bedroom apartment (only one bedroom was occupied because he could never find a roommate)...

...and he moved into her house where she paid for his food and gave him a small allowance. Around then, I was working hard to get promoted at my job, had just moved in with someone for the first time and was navigating starting a life in a new city. Almost every time I spoke with my brother he was upset with me that I was not showing enough empathy for his situation and wasn’t being supportive enough.

I apologized sincerely and tried to do better. I would call and check in on him, and he even came to visit me in my new city once. The visit was not great for me; I paid for everything the whole weekend (we went out to multiple dinners, etc.) and barely got a thank you.

This wasn't enough according to him, and after enough times of him yelling at me and berating me, and me apologizing, I just decided to stop reaching out to him. That was 2 years ago, and we haven't spoken since or seen each other (except for one family visit, where he rolled his eyes at me as soon as I walked in the door which set the tone for the whole visit).

My family is pressuring me to invite him to my wedding, even though we haven't spoken and frankly, I don't want him there, and neither does my fiance. WIBTA if I tell them if he wants to attend my wedding, he can reach out to me?

Here's what people had to say about this one:

-SiRReN- said:

You WNBTA if you didn't include him in the wedding. Why should you continuously bend over backwards to be accommodating of someone who is rude and not grateful for the things you do for them?

If he wasn't your brother, he wouldn't be invited. If your family wants him there that badly, they should be pressuring HIM to reach out to you and apologize for his behaviour over the last several years, but they likely already know how that would go and are targeting you instead.

This is YOUR and your fiance's day! Don't let him ruin it. What if he makes snarky comments that you hear? What if when you're walking down the aisle you see him look at you and roll his eyes again? Will that ruin the day for you?

rockology_adam said:

Mild YTA, here OP, but please read the reasoning, because it's not because you don't want your brother at your wedding. Reading your post, I'm supportive of that. You're the A-hole here for saying you'd be willing to invite him if he reached out, because that's BS, whether you realize it or not.

While you constantly reaching out to him is part of the reason the relationship broke down, it is not the biggest or most important part of things. There are other, larger issues between the two of you, and if he reached out and you said yes, you would just have those issues come up at your wedding.

From your perspective as I'm reading this, there's actually quite a bit that your brother needs to do to mend this relationship. Does he have to reach out to get a wedding invite? He has to START by reaching out, but don't kid yourself. A quick phone call or text message is not going to make you feel better about having him there.

You're SAYING you'll invite him if he reaches out to appease family, but it's not actually true, of if it is, it shouldn't be. You don't currently have enough of a relationship to invite your brother. Don't invite him. A single contact is not going to change that.

sunnydays0306 said:

NTA - this sounds like my SIL, she’s 41 now and still the same so I know how hard it is to be around people like that. But my question is, have you ever had a sincere conversation with him about all this? Because my husband had to with his sister, telling her he loved her etc but it was her responsibility to help herself too.

It didn’t go well, but there is no confusion as to why we don’t spend time with her, and she knows what she needs to do for that to change. And shockingly enough she was surprised to hear how my husband felt, which goes to show how self absorbed she is.

And she’s been very supported (cough cough enabled) by her family her whole life, so it’s not from lack of help and resources that’s she’s in the situation she’s in (like your bro).

Careful-Corner-1561 said:

NTA. Your brother sounds like a brat using his immaturity to rationalize his mental health. I wouldn't even invite him. You know you're gonna hear some shit that you didn't consider him on your most important day and being unsupported blah blah even on your wedding day. And he sounds coddled having you and his parents pay for everything. Time for him to grow up.

Pesec1 said:

NTA. Your wedding - your guest list. Your brother sounds like a lazy jealous ahole that you don't need anywhere around you. Especially at your wedding.

kindofanas$hole17 said:

NTA. Your brother is using the term "supportive" as a weasel word; he is pissed that you won't enable him and help fund his life, clean up his messes, and kiss his ass. He sees your success in life and is envious, but won't put in the time and effort to achieve the same success, despite having the same opportunities to do so. Don't waste your time and energy.