'AITA for saying no to my widowed MIL moving in with me and my husband?'

"AITA for saying no to my MIL moving in with us right now?"

My (31F) husband (30M) and I got married a month and a half ago. Just three weeks after our wedding, his father passed away unexpectedly. The grief has been immense, and I’ve been doing my best to support him while also navigating my own health issues—I’m currently on medical leave and emotionally stretched thin.

I’ve travelled halfway across the world to be with him and I’m staying at his mother’s home right now. We’re South Asian, and my husband is the only son, which comes with a lot of cultural pressure to “step up” and care for his mother, especially now. I understand this deeply—men in our culture often feel indebted to their mothers, and caregiving is seen as a duty and a form of love. I respect that.

That said, his mother will be coming to Canada and will be living primarily with his sister, who has a bigger home and a child. She’s not homeless or without support. The idea came up that she might stay with us periodically, and we were going to give up our current apartment to move into a bigger place (which would’ve cost over $1,000 more in rent) to accommodate her.

I didn’t feel ready for that, especially because: •I don’t feel fully comfortable around her yet—we’re still getting to know each other •We haven’t even settled into married life yet •I’m still processing grief, health issues, and the emotional whiplash of our wedding + his father’s death

Before we got married, I had expressed clearly that I was not comfortable living with his parents, but I would be okay living close by so we could visit and support them. I’m not as close to my parents and they would never make me feel obligated to care for them. I come from a more independent background.

To make things worse, the day after our wedding, my MIL told me that I needed to “lose a decent amount of weight” so I could look “prim and proper” and that she could get new clothes made for me. That comment sent me into a massive spiral—I regressed into a teenage version of myself, full of shame.

It took me weeks to emotionally recover. My husband and his sister stood up for me, and MIL did apologize, but it still affected my sense of safety and comfort around her.

When I told my husband I wasn’t comfortable moving or having her stay with us right now, he said he felt depressed and like he doesn’t have a “supportive wife.” He asked “What if in two years you still say no?” and said I was being closed off.

I tried to explain my side—gently—but he cut me off, said I was “going on a spiel” and that I kept repeating myself. Then he shut down completely and said, “I’m just trying to sleep.”

I feel gaslit. I’ve never said “never” to his mom staying with us. I just said “not yet.” I need time to adjust, to settle into this marriage, and to feel like I have a home that’s ours—not a space where I’m a third wheel in a family dynamic that existed long before I joined it.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Libba_Loo said:

I'm very sorry to tell you this but you have a husband problem that is way bigger than your MIL problem. You literally just got married and your husband is already showing you that your needs and feelings are not a priority for him, and that he is willing to shame you just for having them.

I know you just got married, but before you have kids or make any big property/financial moves with this guy, you need to take a good hard look at his situation and decide if this is really how you want to spend your life, gaslit, disrespected, your needs unmet, and generally run down by your partner. You're only a month and a half in and I can tell you this will only get worse, not better.

You're NTA of course.

101037633 said:

NTA. Your MIL created an unhealthy dynamic with you. Your husband is also creating an unhealthy dynamic. Do you really want to be married to a man who will always put his mother first? I think you need to think hard about this relationship. You may love him, but he clearly has different expectations in this relationship.

There’s no harm in reevaluating what your priorities are. If he can’t hear you, and respect your views, then there are problems that need a resolution. I’m not saying divorce. But think hard on if you can live with his expectations, and that they may be contrary to yours.

And rockology_adam said:

I feel for you, OP, I really do, but this is a case of ESH. There is a fundamental difference in how you and your husband approach your culture, and while you might have thought you had a few years before it became a real fight, his father's passing makes it imminent. You got married KNOWING that this is how he would feel about this, right?

On the other hand, he married you knowing that this is how you would feel about this, right? (If not, you become the A-hole here, OP. Paying lip service to his ideals knowing that you'll need obstacles in front of them is self-serving.)

Life does not have to give you time to figure these things out. There are fundamental difference between you that needed addressing before you got married. You think your husband belongs to you and needs to support your needs more than his mother's.

He thinks that his wife needs to support him in support of his mother. Neither of you are wrong, but how do you reconcile here, after the wedding? What kind of compromise could exist in this situation? I'm obviously not the right person to give you advice here. It won't come from a place of cultural understanding, no matter how much I respect our differences.

Talk to your parents, your family, and see what advice they can give. They will be speaking from YOUR place, in your culture but more independently minded than your husband's family. There are probably good ideas for compromise, or at least, support, available, but I don't have them.

Financial_Height1580 said:

Islamically you’re not wrong but morally you’re a bit of an AH here. You are definitely entitled to your own space and islam gives you that; however just because you can do something doesnt mean you should. Hes the only son. Hes trying his best for his mother. I get you two arent on the best level but her husband died less than a month ago.

Someone has to step up for her and while it may seem frustrating, im sure youd want your husband to have this same mercy towards your mother/father if (godforbid) something like this happened. The sister is pregnant and shes probably not even working so it would make more sense for her to stay with her son while she gathers herself

And OP responded:

My parents are divorced. My mother has lived alone for 25 years and has no problem with it, she prefers it. My father remarried and has a son and a new life with his second wife.