'AITA for my reaction to the secret my boyfriend kept for four years?'
"AITA for my reaction to the secret my boyfriend kept for four years?"
Saying I'm heartbroken and pissed it's an understatement.
For context, I (29F) and my (now ex) boyfriend (34M) have been dating for a bit over 7 years. We met through a dating app and we had an instant connection. Early on the relationship, I wasn't seriously thinking about marriage and kids, but we discussed it and while I don't care for marriage, I've always been sure I'd like to have 1-2 kids and he was on board with having kids eventually.
I stress this because from our very first date I told him I wanted to have a family, it's very important to me and if he had told me he didn't want kids back then, I wouldn't have progressed the relationship.
A few years ago, we were both doing great, I WFH and make decent money and so does he, we had just bought our first home together, so I suggested we could start trying for kids within the next few years. He was up for it and seemed as enthusiastic as I was.
But then, although we were actively trying for a baby, I wasn't getting pregnant.
I started having sever anxiety over it, I thought there was something wrong with me. I started taking vitamins, eating healthier, exercising more...But I couldn't get pregnant. Not being able to get pregnant severely affected my self esteem, why can some people get pregnant despite using BC perfectly and I couldn't get pregnant even while tracking my periods and doing everything "right"?
I felt like terrible.
My boyfriend tried to brush it off, saying that "it was okay" or that "maybe we're just not meant to be parents" and then would stress how great our relationship was, how maybe me not getting pregnant was a sign, and that even if we didn't have kids we could be a DINK couple and enjoy life.
Now, while there's nothing wrong with being childfree, that's not the life I personally want. If I can't have kids biologically, I'm perfectly fine adopting or fostering, but in my future I've always envisioned having a family with kids and that's what I've worked my a#@ off for all those years.
Anyway, to cut it short after a year and a half of trying with no success, I decided to visit a fertility clinic and get a few tests done to check my fertility. To my surprise, my tests came out completely fine. Then, the fertility clinic suggested to bring in my partner to check him.
When I got home and told him about it, he got visibly nervous and tried to make excuses not to go, saying he was busy, that he's scared of doctors or that we should just keep trying for a few more years. I got very suspicious because he's normally a bit of an hypochondriac and he's certainly not scared of doctors.
After I asked about his weird behaviour and I pressed for answers (yes, I know it's wrong) he blurted out that he had a vasectomy done 4 years ago.
I was baffled. And I still don't get it. Before seriously considering kids, we often talked about the future and our hypothetical family, hell, we had been actively trying for a baby for over a year!
He then told me that he decided against having kids sometime ago, but that he never told me because he that if he told me, I'd probably would have broken up with him which he didn't want.
When I asked him why didn't he tell me while we were trying for kids - knowing how depressed I became over my 'fertility issues' - he said that he hoped that when I saw I wasn't getting pregnant, I would perhaps abandon the idea and that we could just keep the relationship as it was.
We had a huge fight, I was very pissed, I felt lied to, strung along...And although I know I'm still pretty young, I was hoping to be a mother before I turned 30 and now all of those plans are gone.
I told him how now I'd have to start over with someone else because he wasted my time. At this point we were both crying and yelling, he begged me to stay and offered to reverse his vasectomy and "try for a baby for real" but I broke up with him on the spot and packed my things.
I still love him and I want this more than anything, but I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive him for lying to me for years over something he knows is so important to me. It's been roughly a week since our fight. I've moved out of the house and now I'm living with a friend temporarily until I figure out the legal house stuff.
I had to get a burner phone because mine has been blowing up with calls and texts from him and his family asking me to please "give him another chance" and saying that everyone makes mistakes, how he was scared of telling me, how since now he's open to kids we should get back together and consider counselling, etc.
I don't think I can do it. What kind of relationship would we even have if we got back together? I don't want to constantly wonder what else is he lying to me about but everyone is making me feel like I'm the bad guy for not forgiving him when he "came clean" to me. So, AITAH?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
How is him choosing to get a vasectomy and hiding it from you a mistake? That was a choice. A mistake is him getting you red roses when you like yellow.
Getting a vasectomy and then letting you think you're infertile was a choice he continuously made. He is now experiencing the consequences of his choice and unfortunately he dragged you down with him.
Go find someone you can trust and won't make major life changes without talking to you about it. Ignite anyone telling you differently. NTA
You can’t ever take him back. He not only intentionally defrauded you, he let it go on for four years while watching your mental and emotional health be destroyed by not being able to conceive.
And there is no way in hell he means it about "wanting kids now". He just wants her to stay. If they do have kids he won't be an active/good parent and will potentially resent having kids. It will all be on OP, hopefully she stands firm and gets the house issue resolved quickly so she can cut ties for good.
He would have secretly had it reversed if he really meant it, rather than trying to convince op it wasn’t meant to be.
As someone who tried for months with my wife to get pregnant and watched the emotional turmoil that this took on her I cannot imagine how a normal person could do that. That’s damn near sadistic
Every month checking your hormone levels to see if you’re ovulating. Forcing yourself to have to try conceive everyday during ovulation whether in the mood or not. Taking pregnancy tests over and over for good news. Then the disappointment of getting your period. Then she has to have a very emotional period. Then repeat, repeat,repeat for MONTHS! And he just watched?
F%$# him. He’s a pos