"AITA for not letting my separated husband be involved with my pregnancy?"

My husband "Jack" and I are currently separated. We're both in our mid-thirties. Married for 3 years, together for 7. We drunkenly hooked up a few months ago and that led to me unexpectedly becoming pregnant. No other children.

Despite this pregnancy, neither of us are interested in trying to work things out as a couple and have agreed a divorce would be best. Unfortunately, our state prevents us from seeking a divorce until after the baby is born. I'm only in the second trimester right now. Jack and I are living apart.

I don't want to go into too much detail about why my marriage broke down, but I will say it wasn't due to infidelity or abuse (although things did get pretty toxic toward the end, on both of our parts). I don't think either of us are bad people. We are just really bad as a couple, and it took us way too long to accept that.

We plan to seek joint (50/50) custody of our child and I hope we're able to coparent in a healthy way. I don't intend to do anything to keep Jack from seeing the baby once he or she is born. However, I want Jack involved with this pregnancy as little as possible. For a multitude of reasons, being around him is stressful and painful for me.

My pregnancy is not considered "high risk" but there have been a few complications so far. Nothing too serious yet, thankfully, but still. I don't want to risk anything happening to the baby so I'm doing everything I can to reduce stressors and dangers (for instance, I've started working at home so I can rest as much as possible).

That being said, I have told him he's not welcome at future appointments. I will send him all the pictures and videos the doctor gives me, and keep him updated on how the baby is doing at all times, but I don't want him physically there during ultrasounds. If we do have to see each other, like for another legal proceeding, I don't want him touching my belly.

I don't want him in the room when I give birth. He's welcome to wait right outside to see the baby as soon as he or she is born - but when I'm pushing in active labor, I don't want to see him. This has (understandably) hurt him greatly and he's accused me of trying to keep him away from the baby. Like I mentioned above, that is not my intention here. I want him to play an active role in our son or daughter's life.

I respect his rights as a father. However, from my point of view, since the baby is obviously still inside of me, and will be for some time, I still have the right to my own body, and that includes telling him he can't touch me or be present for medical procedures. Is this a reasonable perspective, or AITA here?

What do you think? AITA? Or is she being totally reasonable for wanting her ex to not be involved in her pregnancy?

Here's what top commenters had to say:

mimiuniverse said:

NTA. Him not being there for the parts before the baby is born is not going to have an impact on his relationship with the child. If he stresses you out, he doesn't need to be around you more than needed.

The entire point of having others in the room during labor and delivery is to serve as emotional support for the mother. If his presence will not provide that, even more, if it will cause stress, he doesn't need to be there

SquilliamFancyson9 said:

NTA. Some appointments can be invasive and that’s something I personally wouldn’t want someone there that I’m uncomfortable with. Now I would give him updates like “Hey, baby is doing great” or whatever the case may be be. Labor and delivery was the most vulnerable moment in my entire life and I couldn’t imagine doing that with someone I wasn’t comfortable with.

[deleted] said:

NAH. Only because you have stated that being around him stresses you out. So for the health of the baby and yourself , I will say NAH If it wasn’t because of that, I would have thought what you are doing is cruel.

PavLovesDogs said:

NTA. Stress is the absolute worst thing you can subject your body to during pregnancy. One book I read about fetal brain development said it might be worse than drugs like nicotine and cocaine. You are the ONLY person who can decide who gets to be in the delivery room. Full stop.

I think you and your ex need to see a good family counselor or find another person he trusts who can explain to him how difficult and scary giving birth can be. He needs to stop making this about him yesterday. Good luck to you during this challenging time in your life. Trust your gut and take care of yourself, your baby needs you.

She has since added this edit to her original post:

We've tried therapy, both before and after we separated earlier this year. Unfortunately, it wasn't successful. We both have just grown apart and become fundamentally different people. He's a different person now than he was when we first got married, and he has different needs from a partner that I can't meet. Same goes for me.

There isn't a 'bad guy' in this situation, in my view. Just two messy, flawed people who were once compatible but no longer are.

I love my husband. I don't know that I'm in still love with him, but I definitely have love for him. There is an idealistic part of me that would love for us to work things out and be a happy family again - but that isn't possible. It's no one's fault. It just is what it is. And it sucks, and it hurts, but separating is what's best for me, and my husband, and our baby. My husband and I are in total agreement on that.

What do you think?