'WIBTA to ask for a separation because my husband won’t clean?' Q&A with OP
"WIBTA to ask for a separation because my husband won’t clean?"
I (F31) am pregnant with me and my husband's (M33) second child. My doctor put me on bedrest for hyperemesis and severe fatigue. I've tried to keep up with the laundry and cooking dinners (while still working part-time instead of full-time), but most of the housework has fallen to my husband for 2-3 weeks now.
Today, for the first time in a while, I had the energy to wander around our home... and it was disgusting. I don't mean messy; I mean fruit flies in the sink, mold in the fridge, and dried cat vomit all over the basement floor.
Truth be told, this has been an issue for our entire 7-year marriage. Even though I work 50 hours a week (two office jobs) and he works 32 (service job) he says he doesn't have the energy to help out anymore than he does (which is basically not at all). I will ask him to do one chore a day (empty the litter pan, take out the trash) and it almost never happens.
EDIT: He's also had to take more responsibility for our daughter after she gets home from preschool. But I still have her solo one weekend day because of his work schedule.
I'm at my breaking point. How can I bring another child into a home like this? Or do I just need to buck up and accept how things are?
Q&A with OP:
Can you hire in a cleaner every other week? You are not wrong to expect more but depending on how physical his service job is he may be unable to keep up with it all, and then thinks he may as well not even try.
lady_beignet OP:
Pretty physical, bare minimum he’s standing 8 hours straight. It would be really effing difficult with our current financial situation to hire regular help. Once in a while? Yes, but not more than every other month.
Imagine if child protective services came to your house and found it looking like that. What would happen? It isn’t safe or healthy. Something has to change.
lady_beignet OP:
I never thought of it like that. You’re so right.
Nta - tell him he needs to start pulling his weight. Also stop working 2 jobs if he doesn’t care why hurt yourself and lose time out with ur kids.
lady_beignet OP:
Gotta pay the mortgage
Ok_Scheme76So tell him to get another job. Edit: actually it's awful to raise kids around that kind of example. Document, divorce, file for custody, collect child support.
Leave. Go stay with family who'll actually look after you. You're in such a vulnerable state, this is unacceptable. He barely works and can't even do the bare minimum. Life is easier when you're parenting without an adult child. Nta
lady_beignet OP:
My family is all dead except for elderly grandparents 3 states away
Dont listen to her, stay with him and find a solution. Do it for your kids.
YTA. "My partner sucks and I know it but I never considered doing anything about it until after I'd forced two innocent lives into this world which will forever bond us together. Now I've finally had enough so I'd like to make sure my kids have a broken home". You're the a&*$ole to those kids.
lady_beignet OP:
Genuine question: does this mean he sucks? I know that must sound so dumb, but I guess based on convos with other women in cishet relationships, I just assumed it was like this for everybody?
It means you suck for not knowing he sucks. Yes, he is a grown man with a wife, a kid, and another on the way. He should know what needs to be done without your direction or input. The fact that you have been married and tolerated this for so long means you have gone from “not knowing” to “enabling” and are now part of the problem.
That being said, do something about it! It’s time for both of you to s%$t or get off the toilet. Hold him accountable. If he fails, time to move on.
I’m sorry about your lousy situation. How did you put up with this for so many years?
lady_beignet OP:
He’s been my rock thru some really hard years. He is my best friend, but he is a s*&^ty roommate.
Take a look at your post, you were working 50 hours a week him 32 hours part time. He is so tired and cannot help, so you live in a pigsty when you shouldn’t be doing anything. If it’s been this way for 7 years WTH is going on? You need to reevaluate your relationship and see how he is a benefit to your relationship.
lady_beignet OP:
His job is much more physical than mine. He legitimately comes home exhausted after a shift.