Woman causes family drama by skipping cousin's 'triggering' funeral for baby shower.
When this woman is torn about her decision, she asks Reddit:
'AITA for going to a baby shower even though I missed a funeral?'
I (27M) went to a baby shower last Sunday for a friend of mine (28F) that is expecting a baby boy. I’ve known her more than half my life and her husband (28M) is the sweetest man ever.
She gets very upset when people don’t attend her events and she can even be angry when they don’t work out as they planned. Her wedding planning was a lot of drama and I'm glad I didn’t play a role in that.
She and her husband are amazing people and this is their first child so they really wanted me to come.
Here’s where it gets difficult. Her baby shower was on the same day as my cousin’s (28M) funeral. Now I’m not close or distant to him but in recent years we haven’t seen each other as much.
He didn’t even spend Christmas with us the past 2 years (and yes we all celebrate Christmas so this isn’t about what beliefs anyone has or holidays they celebrate). Also I figured my family could understand the other dark reason why I wouldn’t attend — his cause of death was by drowning and I am extremely afraid of water.
He and his friend went swimming in a lake and were pulled by currents; his friend survived but he did not. I have had a crippling fear of large bodies of waters for practically 2 decades and now that one of these took my cousin’s life, I didn’t have the heart to think about that horror.
I hate the beach and don’t live by the ocean. I didn’t think they’d bring up his horrific death story at the funeral but I didn’t want to risk it especially since it would have given me more anxiety than I could withstand.
I do feel horrible grief for my cousin for literally dying the way I’ve always feared of dying and I can’t even hear or read about the incident without flipping out.
So I attended the baby shower and it wasn’t too different from normal baby showers. My friend was happy I was there and I know she gets very sensitive when people don’t attend her events.
I was happy for her and her husband too, I’m glad to keep them in my life. However the days following her baby shower and my cousin’s funeral, people in my family have become distant.
I saw our phone group chat and noticed some people were talking about me not being in attendance. I promised to attend the burial and begged for them not to discuss triggering details of his death to me, but my owbut my own sister (23F) kicked me out of the group chat.
My parents said I’ll eventually be brought back but they’re very disappointed in me for not attending the funeral. They said I was being “too paranoid” about people talking about the death details when they just wanted to celebrate his life and that my friend needs to learn she can’t have everything.
I told them it’s not my fault or my friend’s fault and that I don’t love my late cousin any less than his other family members but right now everyone’s upset with me and it will make attending the burial even harder. Did I make the wrong decision? Am I the Asshole?
Let's find out.
murphy23456 writes:
YTA. You are using his cause of death as an excuse to go to a baby shower for a friend. His funeral isn’t at a lake so stop using your fear as an excuse. You said many times your friend would get angry if you didn’t attend the shower.
A real friend would understand that you had a death in the family.
kawaiidumpling88 writes:
NTA. You do need some therapy to help you cope with the anxiety you have. If your anxiety and fear of water is so overwhelming that you are not able to differentiate between your own paranoia, and what actually happens at a funeral - then yes you need therapy.
And going to a baby shower because you don’t want a friend to be mad at you likely lies in you having some difficulty coping with other people’s emotions.
obsessedtilldeath writes:
YTA how is this even in question? No excuses, YTA. I have never been at a funeral where the details of the deceased's death where (openly) discussed, it was always about talking about their life.