'My SIL licked my face and now my brother is not talking to me. AITA?' UPDATED 2X
"My SIL licked my face and now my brother is not talking to me. AITA?"
Alright. I'm sorry for the title, but that's as concise as I could be about it. I am 22M and my brother is 28M. He's been engaged to his fiancee for a few months now. She is 24. My brother's fiancee is your typical spoiled party girl, and tbh so is my brother.
In the last year or so, my brother and I have had a strained relationship. This is mostly due to differences of opinion when helping take care of our mom, who is struggling with some PTSD/anxiety. She got held hostage by a man at her job, is still recovering and not back to work yet.
For some context: My brother is a very impatient and opinionated person who struggles to see things outside his own perspective. He doesn't have a good grasp on mental health. I work as a paramedic and he's been arguing with me about thinking I know better than him ever since.
I am adopted and my bio mom was of a different ethnicity, so we don't look like brothers. When he can't think of a way to win an argument he brings up the fact that I'm not her 'real' son or his 'real' brother. It wasn't always like this between us, which is sad.
He's just not the same person and I'm not sure if it's work-stress / life-stress or what. I get that this post is going to be skewed by my perspective but I'll try to be objective when it comes to the conflict.
My birthday was last weekend (when this happened). My brother's fiancée apparently had the idea to throw me a surprise party. Most of the people there were friends of my brother and the fiancee. Everyone was drunk. They made a bit of a show of bringing me out a cake and having me blowing out the candles.
Before I did that, my brother's fiancee swiped frosting on her finger and put it on my cheek. I thought it was just her being nice and not trying to smash a piece of cake in my face. I blew out the candles and after I did that, his fiancee grabbed my face and licked it. Like...from my jaw all the way up the side of my face. I have no idea why she did this. We don't even have the kind of relationship where it would be funny.
My brother's face changed, his demeanor changed, he became very withdrawn and irritable. They were seen 'quietly' fighting and he ended up just leaving the party.
I brought it up the next day to make sure he was okay and apparently the two of them made up - it's me he has an issue with. I don't know what she told him, but it seems as if I'm the one being made out to be flirting with her, wanting her, etc. Not even remotely true.
I told him to leave me out of his relationship problems. It's his partner who disrespected him and embarrassed him. He's angry at the wrong person. I refuse to apologize. Apparently I am going to be out of the wedding unless I do.
He's upset because I won't admit to my mistake. Well I don't feel like I made one. Should I just do it for the sake of settling it? Normally I'm willing to be the bigger person but this is a false accusation I don't want attached to myself. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Your brother and his fiance are behaving like children. If you apologize for this incident then it's likely that he will continue to treat you with disrespect. If he takes you out of the wedding he will have to explain the reason to others, which should prove embarrassing to him and his fiance. Perhaps you should call him on his bluff. Regardless NTA
You know what, I'm not opposed to saying that to him. Thank you.
NTA. What I don't get is why you even would want to attend the wedding:
- strained relationship
- he does not see you as a brother (the "not your mom" jabs)
- his relationship does not seem to be on very stable footing, and he will become more and more erratic
- you should put as much polite distance between you and brother/his relationship, for your own peace of mind
- he seems to have already singled you out as the future scapegoat
This one hurts. I think I needed to hear it though. You're not wrong. I guess I'm just always trying to understand him and I need to stop doing that. Especially when he's not giving me that same kind of understanding. I thought we could get back to the relationship we had before but it's not looking like it's getting any better.
11 days later OP came back with this update:
After trying to reach out to my brother he finally came around and stopped ignoring me. He didn't want to talk about what happened but was willing to 'put it behind us'. Tbh I think talking about it would have been healthier but I decided to let it go because he was so adamant.
Then just the other day he came to me on his own and admit that he feels unsure about his relationship and is struggling to trust his fiancee ever since the incident on my birthday. I told him there's no rush to get married and he should take time to figure out what he's feeling.
I didn't try to give any particular opinion because I feel like this is something he needs to figure out for himself - also, I genuinely don't know what's going on between them. He still took what I said the wrong way somehow, and we ended up having an argument.
He thinks I'm not happy for him and don't want to see him successful / starting a family. I tried to walk away at this point in the conversation because no matter what I said it was just going to get misconstrued but he didn't want to stop fighting.
Somewhere in that, I finally learned why he's so mad at me these days. It turns out he's pissed that our mom paid for my tuition (I've been doing OT to pay her back. Clarification: if it matters she doesn’t actually want me to pay her back, it was a gift but I’d like to pay her back slowly).
My brother feels this money should have been given to him for his wedding, which I am no longer invited to. I don't really know how to fix things but that's where we're at.
Here's what people had to say to OP after the update:
NTA. Your brother is a jealous ah and his girlfriend is a creep. I doubt their relationship will last until the wedding but if it does I bet the wedding will be a drunken mess. You sound like a good person, take care of yourself and your mum and leave your brother to deal with his problems. Hopefully one day he will grow up and want a better relationship with both of you.
NTA - brother and fiancee sound like messy people. Being uninvited from drama bomb central is the best gift he could give you.
Your mother has her priorities straight while your brother is immature and selfish. Don’t worry about missing the wedding; you can always go to his next one.
17 days later OP came back with this update:
My mom and brother got into it over the weekend. I have accepted being uninvited from my brother’s wedding, but our mom wasn't having it. She was trying to understand where his anger is coming from. The problem is, I don't think he knows and having conversations where he's questioned about it just makes everything worse.
I wasn't present. It's something my mom called me about. Apparently after his explosion at her, he stormed out into the cold (without shoes). She got worried.
I have realized that I'm not the person he wants to see in those moments, or the person he wants to receive help from. I want to be that person, and I'll always be available in the background... but somehow I've become part of his problem. My presence only ever fuels his anger.
For that reason, I told my mom to contact his fiancée, and she did. Fiancée brought him back to the house and my mom didn't mention the wedding, or anything else. She told me today that they've started talking normally to each other again.
I've also talked to my mom privately. I've made it clear that I'm not attending and she should give up on having me there. She initially wanted to threaten her own attendance, but we decided that she should support my brother in hopes of leaving a line of communication with at least one family member. My mom is really heartbroken.
I thought about contacting his fiancée, then decided against it. Reading a lot of the comments I received, many of you pointed out that I need to stop trying to fix things.
Some people took it too far and wrote me disturbing DMs because the last line of the previous update made them feel some type of way, but I've had people in the back of my truck say and do a whole lot worse. It takes a lot more than some words on a screen.
But I get it. And I will acknowledge it actually...that I think that's one of my biggest flaws. The need to fix things. I won't get into why I'm like this. I probably need therapy of my own given the lengths I'll go to, and how maladaptive it sometimes gets.
Anyway.. promise I'm not fixing this. As far as updates go, this is probably my final one. I'm bowing out of my brother's downward spiral. It's the only thing I can do for him right now anyway. The rest I will deal with personally in time. I came on here for some perspective and I feel like I've gotten that. So thank you.
Here's what people had to say to OP after the second update:
Honestly let the wedding happen and just create some distance between yourself and bro/SIL. Hopefully in the longterm, he comes to his senses.
Thats exactly how I feel about it.
I think you made the best decision you could given the circumstances You’re dealing with someone who has yet to come to terms with the fact that all of his troubles are self inflicted and his conflict is all internal
Brother probably thinks this marriage will give him some kind of upper hand or make him feel accomplished like proof that he has his shit together But the cracks are already starting to show Stay away from the fiancée because she is infatuated with you. Idk if you recognize that OP because you’re so focused on your brother.