Single mom declines child-free wedding invite despite 'solution.' AITA? 'She asked me to be a bridesmaid.'

"AITA for not attending my friend’s child-free wedding even though she offered a 'solution?'"

My friend is getting married next weekend and is having a child-free wedding, which I completely respect and have no issue with. I’m a single mom to a medically complex 9-month-old who has a tracheostomy. His care is very specific and intensive so it’s not just a case of finding a babysitter on short notice. He needs someone trained to handle emergencies, suctioning, and feeding.

I RSVP’d no to the wedding from the start because I don’t have anyone in my city I can leave him with. My mom, who sometimes helps, lives in a different city. I also don’t have a big support system.

After I said no, she asked me to be a bridesmaid because some of her other bridesmaids had dropped out which felt a little odd given that I’d already explained I wouldn’t be able to attend. I politely declined again.

Then she asked if I could bring someone with me to watch my son in a hotel room while I attend the wedding. I told her I can’t afford to pay someone for an overnight stay plus medical care (assuming I could even find someone qualified).

Her latest suggestion was that I leave my son with the woman who’ll be watching her son in another room during the wedding. Then she said I could alternate and go to the room myself to check on him, basically meaning I’d spend the evening bouncing between a wedding I’m not truly at, and caring for my medically fragile baby.

At this point, I’ve just told her (again) that I’m really sorry, but I can’t come. She’s now very upset and says I’m making excuses and that she’s “trying to help and she really wants me to be at the wedding because I’m like an older sister to her.” I feel like I’ve been kind and honest from the beginning, but now I’m wondering. AITA for still saying no?

Here's what people had to say about this one:

missemmababee said:

NTA. You've been clear from the start, and her "solutions" ignore the serious medical needs of your child. This isn't about excuses- it's about priorities. She's being selfish and guilt-trippy. You're being a responsible parent. End of story.

lecorbeauamelasse said:

NTA. Tell her "if we are really like sisters, then you would have understood from the start that no occasion, no matter how important to you, is worth putting the life of my baby at risk" and block her until after the wedding. This woman is ridiculous and the fact she's failing to understand this would make me wonder if she was really my friend at all.

ForwardPlenty said:

NTA. There are some people who won't take no for an answer. The solution for this is to not JADE. That is don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. You RSVP'd no, but she called and asked you why. You Explained that your child has medical needs and it was too short notice to be able to find someone to watch them.

From then on out you just need to reply, "That doesn't work for me." Any further explanation will be met as a discussion, she will continue to find solutions, which are reasonable to her, but not reasonable to you. She wants what she wants so as long as you provide a reason she is going to want to overcome that.

bookworm-1960 said:

NTA. The way she is pushing you to be a bridesmaid makes me really wonder why the others dropped out of the role. It sounds like she did not have an issue with you not attending until she needed you to be a bridesmaid. While, yes, she has made suggestions, none included medically trained sitter that you would need. Also, the extra costs for attending is not something you can afford.

Tazno209 said:

NTA. May I suggest that you invite her over to your home and ask her to stay for a few hours and witness what it takes to care for your baby. If she does not understand your situation after that, then she is not your friend and you should end this relationship. God bless you.

LavenderMarsh said:

NTA. fellow parent to a medically complex child here. My son also had a tracheostomy, a vent, a feeding tube...there is absolutely no way I would have left my son with anyone other than a trained nurse. Even then I would only leave him with a nurse I had trained on his specific condition and needs.

A regular babysitter has no idea what they are doing. An ethical babysitter would decline even watching him because they would know they're not competent to do so. Hold your ground. Lose the friendship of necessary. She doesn't sound like a good friend anyway.

FoxUsual745 said:

NTA. People sometimes can’t come to an event they are invited to. It’s nothing personal, but you can’t make it. That’s enough. I’m sorry your “no” isn’t being respected, that can be really frustrating.