Family feud erupts over father's handling of troubled teen's past behavior, 'throw her past in her face.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my daughter that’s her sister isn’t the golden child, you missed out on opportunity because your proved over and over couldnt trust you?"
AgileEfficiency2604
This is about my two daughters. They are a year apart, I will call them Cally and Rebecca. Rebecca was a rough teenager, she would sneak out, steal, lie, had trouble in school, etc. Cally was the opposite, she barely event got in trouble and was an honor student.
Due to Rebecca behavior she lost privileges. When they were both became freshman I allowed them to go places without a parent. Cally was fine alone but Rebecca causes problems usally by stealing.
She would lose that privilege and every time she gave her a change to earn trust back she would do soemthing else. This happened for a lot of things, car, trips and so on. It was a circle and when she was 16 we did therapy.
She hated it and it made it worse. She was very resentful that we were forcing her to go. Rebecca really started to resent Cally also because she would do things while she had extra rules and conditions.
At 18 she left to live at her aunts. She robbed the place and my sister pressed charges.
She almost went to jail and after that she started to turn her life around.
To the main issue, I picked her up and she made some remarks that she should have a car like Cally (she bought her car from a family member). I told her she should save up for one.
She made a comment about how Cally is the golden child and that is why she had a good childhood with opportunity while hers sucked.
I told her no, Cally is not the golden child and the reason she had opportunities that you didn't have was because we could trust Cally. As a teenager you proved over and over again thag you were not to be trusted.
She got mad and it started and argument. She is completely outraged that we "throw her past in her face." My wife's thinks I shouldn't have said anything even if it is true.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
reneeblanchet83
INFO: Did you and/or your wife ever try to get to the heart of why Rebecca went into stealing and sneaking out and all the rest of it, or was it just revoke privileges and done? The latter obvious was right and necessary but also did you just write off the behaviour as "she's clearly just a problem" or did you try and figure out if something else was going on?
SockMaster9273
NTA. She was proven to be trusted again and again. Cally was proven she could be trusted. Rebecca has the mentality "The world is against me and it's everyone else's fault I'm where i'm at" even though it's 100% hers.
Cally didn't steal (or at least was smart enough to get away with it) but Rebecca did. Cally got good grades while Rebeca didn't even try (must have been the teacher's fault. All of them). Rebecca's life is Rebecca's fault. No one else's.
joshicshin
NTA. Rebecca's 22, not 12. If she's gonna play the "golden child" card, she can't act shocked when her past comes up. Sure, there might be more to the story, but stealing and robbing family? That's not typical teen rebellion.
At some point, you gotta stop blaming others and own your mistakes. Dad could've been gentler, but sometimes you need a reality check, not coddling. Time for Rebecca to grow up and take some responsibility.
No-Locksmith-8590
NTA. Throw her past in her face? You mean, make decisions based on people past actions? Yeah, dummy, no kidding. She may have started to turn her life around but she still has a long way to go. You see the same behavior with recovering drug addicts- they want to pretend that anything they did before doesn't count anymore.
Brainjacker
You didn't throw her past in her face, you gave a logical response after she made an unfounded accusation full of internet buzzwords. NTA and hopefully Rebecca is still in the process of turning her life around because it sounds like she isn't there yet.
YogurtclosetNo5580
NTA Rebecca is 22 and needs to learn her actions have consequences. If I stole from a family member my parents wouldn’t even entertain a relationship anymore. She is very lucky to still have support from you guys despite the nonsense she got into as a teen.
PuzzleheadedRoyal559
NTA. It sound like Rebecca isn’t just trouble, she’s heading toward a life of incarceration where everyone will be to blame except her. I think she probably needs real life to kick her in the face a couple times and face some real outside-the-house consequences to straighten up. Do you know of her being on any substances. A stint in rehab could do her some good.
EnderBurger
NTA. The interesting thing here is that Cally was not given a car. She bought it from a family member, probably on favorable terms. So it seems to me that Rebecca, together with her history, is perfectly capable of trying to convince a family member to offer her a car. But she is not entitled to it.
From your narrative, I honestly can't tell whether Rebecca acted out because of something you did as a parent, because of lingering issues witb her sister that you never saw, or something involving her peers.
But somewhere in there she crossed a line from mere mischief to committing felonies. But Rebecca is 22 now. No matter how crummy her childhood was, she does not get to use it as an excuse for her present behavior. She is the one responsible.
Does she think you were a crummy parent? Done. She gets to think that. Does she think that Cally got everything because she was the golden child and it's not fair? Fine. She gets to think that.
But Rebecca is at least nominally an adult now. She no longer gets to whine at the world about how unfair it all is. She has to exist in the world as best she can and attempt to live her proverbial best life.
And if living her best life means getting away from parents and family members she blames, then she should do that rather than keep trying to guilt you for how her life turned out.