"WIBTA if I told my sister my mom was planning on wearing her wedding dress to her wedding?"

I am 16. My mom (f45) just told me that she plans on wearing her traditional wedding gown to my older sister’s (f28) wedding this September. My older sister is from my dad’s previous marriage. Although my siblings and I have always gotten along with her, my mom and her have not.

Our side of the family is from Africa (not saying where in case someone identifies me) so she requested that all of the women wear traditional clothing from our culture while also fitting her color theme. The only dress my mom has that is traditional attire and matches the theme happens to be the one she wore when she married our dad.

My sister wasn’t able to attend the wedding since she was still in college and the wedding was in another country. My mom said that since my older sister wasn’t at the wedding that it wouldn’t matter if she wore the dress. I told her that I’m sure my older sister has seen photos of the wedding and would recognize the dress.

She shut me down and insisted on wearing the dress. I offered to go dress shopping with her and even order a new dress and pay for the customs fees to get it shipped but she’s insistent on wearing her old dress. WIBTA if I let my older sister know my mom's plan? I don’t know what else to do.

Extra info: the people in the wedding (bridesmaids, maid of honor, groomsmen ) are required to wear gold. My sister told our family that while the theme is gold, guests can choose to wear whatever color they want. We don’t have to wear gold as the family of the bride. She flat out said that she was ok with us wearing anything we wanted.

Also, the wedding dress my mom wants to re-wear is white and anyone from our culture can easily tell its wedding attire. The reason I’m worried to tell my sister is because I still live at home. Telling her is the right thing to do but when my mom finds out she will give me the silent treatment. She’s already angry with me for telling her that what she is doing is wrong.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

CakeisaDie said:

NTA. Tell your sister and let your sister decide what is and is not appropriate for the wedding. Given it's African (colorful), your sister maybe okay with it if your sister is wearing a non African wedding gown. (White)

OP responded:

Although in our culture the dresses are typically bright and colorful, my moms is primarily white. I don’t think my sister would be ok with it if she found out.

FormerLurker0v0 said:

Nta, actually you'd be doing your sister a solid by letting her know. The bad blood between them doesn't have to carry over to you, but it likely will if she finds out that you knew and did nothing about it. Don't let your mom bring you down with her.

The__Riker__Maneuver said:

Send your sister a photo of the dress and let her decide what to do. She might not care or she might flip her $hIt Either way, just give her a heads up. NTA

xj2608 said:

NTA - this sounds very much like a passive-aggressive move by your mother to irritate a child that she might be a little jealous of? OTOH, if it matches the style and color theme...is it really a problem? Maybe just...nudge your older sister into asking your mom what she plans to wear without laying it all out there.

And OP replied:

It’s definitely her being passive aggressive. The dress is white with gold detailing, and the theme of my sister’s wedding is gold. That is my mom’s main reasoning for wearing the gown. I’m not sure if she’s jealous?

I think she’s resentful (a decade ago my sister revealed my moms pregnancy to the family, she found out by snooping through my moms medicine cabinet and finding prenatal tablets and pregnancy tests) so yeah there is a lot of bad blood there.

Mini update:

I spoke to my younger sister about it. She told me that my mom would be very angry with me if I told my older sister. I spoke to her about the situation again and we see eye to eye now. She agrees with my plan to talk to dad first then my sister.

Second update:

I plan on talking to my dad first thing in the morning about the situation. I hope he will be able to talk my mom out of wearing the dress. If he cannot I will message my sister. Someone gave my the great idea of sending a photo of the dress to her and getting her opinion so I think I’ll do that. Thanks for your support and input guys. I really hope this works.

Third update:

My dad asked me in front on my mom what the important thing i had to talk about was. My mom was curious about it too then so I ended up having to address the dress fiasco in front of both of them. I explained to her how embarrassing it would would be to wear the dress and how I would not allow her to do so. She told me that she didn’t care and that she could do whatever she wanted.

My dad was super dismissive of what I was saying and didn’t think it was a big deal. After some calming down, she told me that she was taking up my previous offer and ordering a dress from overseas. She was pretty angry I “went behind her back” by asking to talk to my dad so that hurt my feelings but it is what it is. She is NOT wearing the wedding dress anymore.

You guys made me realize my mom might be a narcissist, so thanks! A lot to take in but the label seems pretty fitting.