'AITA for not attending my sister's wedding after her offensive comment in front of our family?' UPDATED

"AITA for refusing to attend my sister's wedding, which is next month, because of her offensive comment in front of our whole family this weekend?"

I'm 28F, my sister is 23F and her fiance is 36M. We have 4 more siblings. I am in the middle. I work overseas, and didn't come back home for two years. I came back home last week and we had a family reunion over this weekend. I knew the man my sister is dating and was not happy with her choice. We're both freelancer artists.

Before I left, I worked with him before. The entire time we worked, he used to hit on me all the time. I refused him. I am a lesbian in a closet, so now you see why. And through some mutual friends, I was told he can't commit for his life.

He can't keep it in his pants, simple as that. He was married before and believe my sister doesn't know about it! Since I only told this to one of my brothers and they were unaware as well.

So the weekend came. I arrived earlier than most. Spent all the time with my nephew before dinner time. My oldest brother's wife asked me how I am and how my work is. SIL then asked me some work related stuff since she follows what I share on social media. My sister interrupted us and began talking about her wedding.

We were never close to each other. Never felt the need to compete with her though. Hell, she's so much prettier than I am. Have to give it to her lol. I spent most of my life burdened by my looks and avoided mirrors like plague. Turned the rest of the conversation to her wedding and her plans.

Showed us the location and the desserts they have decided on, and ordered at a local bakery. Without even asking me she asked me what size I am currently wearing. I am losing weight. And she told me she ordered me a bridesmaid dress size EU 10 (which is medium in other countries I think).

Told her she should have asked me for my measurements and I would have forwarded them to her. My hips are wide which might be troublesome. Dress may not lay very nicely on me.

She then responded by saying I could always lose weight before her wedding. This comment completely burned me. After ten minutes I excused myself to the bathroom so I could cry. It is not that easy. I have been dealing with my weight for my whole life.

This morning I woke up and decided I am not attending it. Told my sister everything about how her comment made me feel. Never told her anything about her fiance and probably won't. She started telling me how it is not that bad, I am too sensitive and I need to grow some balls.

Told her I am stealing her happiness on her upcoming special day and now I ought to destroy it. Two of my oldest brothers are siding with me and believe I am in the right not to go there, one of them might not be attending as well. Meanwhile the rest of the family are refusing to speak to me and think I am jealous since I have been single for so long

What do yout think? AITA for ditching her sister's wedding? This is what top commenters had to say:

[deleted] said:

NTA. "Fine, have it your way; I'm jealous and single. Still not putting myself on a diet because Sis couldn't be bothered to ask my dress measurements first." Or just take advantage of the fact they're not talking to you and go about your life. Anyone who doesn't drop out or explode over the Bridezilla nonsense in their own due time deserves whatever Sis subjects them to.

OP responded:

I am already dieting and have been working out a lot. But for the benefit of my own health. Also recently discovered I love to work out. While my top half might fit in I worry about my lower half. I often have that trouble while shopping for dresses too. Pear shaped figure really sucks.

[deleted] said:

NTA. Hate to say it but she’s dating someone who was 25 when she was 12… I wouldn’t go either

poo_explosion said:

NTA. She’s already being a major brat, and it’s only going to get worse as the wedding gets closer. I’d consider it a bullet dodged.

deliriousgoomba said:

Dude, your sister is 23 to this guy's 36 and he has a bad reputation? Your sister is about to enter into an abusive marriage. Don't go and give her a warning, please. NTA

And Parasamgate said:

ESH.

-You say this is about the comment she made, but you spend a lot of time talking about her choice in a husband, and that she interrupted your conversation about work things to talk about her wedding. Are you sure this is just about the one comment?

-You say he is a womanizer and she doesn't know, but you are content letting her get married to a man that will cheat on her. Is that loving and kind? Are you hoping this happens? Would you want your family to not tell you about your cheating partner?

-You say you're not close, you don't compete with her but then say something comparing looks just to show us how much you don't compete? That makes it seem like you aren't being honest with yourself.

Not going is kind of the nuclear option. If you want to create a rift that might not heal, this is a good way to do it. It makes people choose sides. And that might be the best option, I don't know enough to say. But if it is the best option, then this is waaaay beyond one hurtful comment.

SnooWords4839 said:

NTA - Who buys a dress for someone else, without getting measurements and then tells them to lose weight to fit into it? At this point, if you say anything about her fiancé, she won't believe you and think you are jealous. You can always cut your visit short; I wouldn't stay where most aren't talking to me.

And OP responded:

I thought very long about letting her know about her fiance. My oldest brother thinks I should do it too. I know she would never believe me. Even if today didn’t happen she still would not believe me. We have a very shaky relationship with each other since we were children. Met her fiance while I was working on a set of a local TV show. I was 24, maybe 25. He was around to help me out with things.

Did some set designing and props back then together and that TV station hired me for a couple more months. He would occasionally flirt with me. I was not really having it. Even called me highness or something close to that. Don’t remember because I was not into him that much. We never went out for a drink though he wanted to.

And he became very agitated in the last two weeks acting like I’ve been owning him something… “You don’t wanna go bowling with me, fine, you don’t wanna grab some tea with me, okay, so are you like a museum girl or something? ” Afterward I kept him at an arm’s length until we wrapped up a project and ghosted him very soon after.

Then I forgot about his existence until I found out that he’s been seeing my sister. Was very uncomfortable for a while. Debated telling her even back then about him but hesitated last second. Was afraid she would not believe me.

A few days later, she shared this update:

Thanks to everyone who has been responding. I've been reading all of your comments. We had a huge fight. She started texting me on Messenger around 4am. I definitely see my fault in this situation for not telling my sister about her fiance. I do want to tell her he's been married before but know well she would not believe me.

She has uninvited me from her wedding officially. Told me that I will have to pay her money for a dress she ordered to make up for the damage. Brought some childhood memories I don't even remember ever happening.

Messaged her back. Said I am open to talking to her later in the morning. I even wanted to apologize to her for overreacting. I have PMDD and realized I might have overreacted to her words because of it. She insisted we talk now.

Told her she knew how sensitive of an issue my weight always was. I have been bullied over it relentlessly. I would starve for days and then binge eat. Had to change schools at one point. I don't like taking pictures of myself for the same reason. While I have lost tons of weight now I will always know who I am deep down. She responded that it is my fault I didn't take care of myself when I was a teenager.

Everyone can lose weight. I should stop making excuses. And she really wanted to have her only sister at her wedding as her bridesmaid. Made many comments about how my character is too difficult to make anyone stay. Told me how they all went to a relatives reunion recently and everybody was making fun of me for being an underachiever. Which I know and I can live with that. I was always a black sheep.

I am very torn between leaving her one last letter and blocking her everywhere. But also thinking about asking my older brother to tell her he heard it from someone else.