'AITA if I go to my sister's wedding leaving my wife and 3 kids alone for 4 days?' UPDATED
"WIBTA if I wanted to got to my sister's wedding leaving my (33F) wife and 3 kids (11, 7 and 2) alone for 4 days?"
My sister's wedding is coming up, and I want to go, but my wife doesn't. She doesn't have a great relationship with my family, and while everyone is polite and cordial when they meet, a lot of issues have happened in the past. My wife really doesn't want to deal with any more issues that might come up at the wedding. We have three kids and live in a different country.
I've asked my wife if it's okay for me to go for five days - pre-wedding plus the actual wedding, as I am the eldest and this is the last wedding in my family. My dad also passed a couple of years back, so I kind of have the mantle passed on as the lead of the family.
She was not okay with this and said that she can maybe look after the kids for a couple of days but not more than that. we cannot get any support here as we dont have family and apart from school, the kids would be at home with the wife.
The five days have now come down to four - I can go for the two days of the actual wedding and then come back, but me being there for the four days would mean a lot to my mum. I asked my wife again, and she doesn't want to talk about it as she gets stressed when I bring my family up. I am feeling quite indecisive and frustrated as I cannot make a decision without hurting people in my life.
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
chubbypurpleponies said:
Without any context of why your wife and family don’t get along: Go to the wedding. Take your children with you. Watch them yourself. You shouldn’t even need the family to help you, especially if you think your wife can do it by herself, amirite?
Your wife has given her reason and established a boundary. I have a suspicion your family was not kind to her/critical etc. and you supported them/were indifferent. Now, you want to interact with the family that wronged her and you want her to watch the children and put it all on her while you do what you want with no regard to her point of view.
You want her to be understanding for you, yet you are not being understanding of her stance? Just an observation. If you are going to ask advice, at least include all the information.
Individual_Ad_9213 said:
NTA. Go to the wedding; take your eldest child as your plus one. They should be able to behave and, probably, will feel happy to see that side of the family.
Your wife is using her reluctance to be involved with your family as a way of interfering with your relationship with them. That's not okay.
anon19111 said:
I think this hinges on the nature of the issues between your wife and family. Are they of the "my family are racist or classist and never accepted my wife" variety OR are they the "they are oil and water and both stubborn so haven't really bonded" type of issue?
If your family has done your wife wrong then I'd probably vote Y T A. Otherwise, NAH.
Repulsive-Plane9429 said:
She can’t handle the kids for 4 days, two of them are in school? Four day is a couple of days. She needs to talk about it, how about you offer to set up a babysitter for one of the days. NTA tbh, I am sure their is a compromise somewhere tho but your wife needs to talk to you about it
He later shared this update:
Thanks for all the feedback. Some very useful comments and advice. to give more context, yes I am willing to take the kids even all 3 with me. However, my wife is not ok with that. My family and wife are on speaking and even visiting terms, however, my extended family - aunts, uncles and cousins - are not someone my wife wants to really bond with.
They would be at the wedding which is a major reason my wife doesnt want to really go. None of the kids are special needs and yes my first 2 are independant and can help out. My wife is quite amazing and understanding in a lot of things but we always conflict when it comes to my family.
I have been trying to be supportive of her but she is not willing to let go of past transgressions which was mostly fueled by my moms siblings and their kids which caused a lot of friction.
I should have stepped up more and supported her more which I am trying to do. I am ok for her to come with the kids and stay over at her parents while I go to the wedding but she is not ok with this as well coz it would further create problems with her family and mine as well.
sorry for not providing updates sooner. I will update once I make a final decision. I tried to have a conversation which turned into a fighting match with us not speaking in the end.