'AITA for finally snapping at my ex’s girlfriend after constant passive-aggressive comments?' + UPDATE
"AITA for finally snapping at my ex’s girlfriend after constant passive-aggressive comments?"
This happened earlier today and I’m still kind of stewing over it, so I need to know if I overreacted or if it was justified. I (29F) was invited to a friend’s BBQ. My ex, Jake (30M), and I broke up about 2 years ago.
It was mutual, we both agreed we weren’t right for each other long-term, and since we share a close friend group, we’ve stayed civil and occasionally see each other at gatherings. It’s usually fine.
Jake’s been dating Sophie (26F) for about 6 months. I don’t know her well, but every time we’ve been around each other, she seems to go out of her way to make little passive-aggressive jabs at me stuff like “Wow, you’re still single? That’s brave.” or “Must be nice having so much free time without kids.” I’ve always let it slide to avoid drama.
A bit more info; Even though we broke up, there’ve been multiple moments where it’s obvious Jake isn’t fully moved on. For one, he still finds excuses to text me random stuff, like sending memes or asking about old inside jokes we had. He’ll “accidentally” bring up memories from when we were together when we’re in a group, or mention songs and places that meant something to us.
On top of that, a few mutual friends have let slip that he’s told them he still has feelings, or at least isn’t fully over our relationship. Nothing inappropriate while he’s with Sophie (as far as I know), but it’s clear there are lingering feelings there and I think Sophie might sense it too, which is probably part of the reason she’s so weirdly hostile toward me.
Back to the story, today Sophie was at it again. Every time I was within earshot, she’d drop little digs like “Some people just can’t move on, huh?” or “Guess it takes some people longer to grow up.” I ignored it for hours.
But then toward the end of the night, she made another comment “Well, not everyone can handle being in a healthy relationship.” That was it for me. I turned to her and said, “You’re right it takes a special kind of person to date a guy still hung up on his ex.”
It went dead silent. Sophie looked stunned, Jake looked beyond uncomfortable, and a couple of our friends awkwardly tried to change the subject. I left soon after because I didn’t want things to get worse. She was making digs at me all night and I finally stood up for myself.
But part of me feels like maybe I went too far by throwing that in her face even though it’s true. I never planned to use what Jake’s said/done like that, and now I wonder if I made it unnecessarily messy. So… AITA for finally snapping at my ex’s girlfriend after constant passive-aggressive comments?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
NTA, she f’k3d around and found out.
Also if she is so happy in her new relationship, she wouldn’t work so hard to bring another woman down.
NTA. She was asking for it. Good job sticking up for yourself.
Was it the best way to handle the situation? Probably not. Could Sophie have been more civil? Absolutely. There are a few things at play here. Literally, EVERYONE has sat there, in silence, while this brat makes constant digs at you. There is keeping the peace and there is this.
Letting her run her mouth isn't keeping the peace, it's allowing a pick-me girl to run unchecked, because nobody in that group has got a spine. A real friend stands up for you. Both to your face and behind your back. None of these people are standing up for you. Not even when you are right there!!!
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
Hey again, I just wanted to post a quick update since a lot happened … well, I’m still kind of processing it, but it feels worth sharing. So, after I left the BBQ (and posted), I got a flurry of texts from mutual friends mostly along the lines of “damn, that was awkward but also overdue.”
Apparently, everyone noticed Sophie’s digs throughout the day, and more than one person told me they were surprised I lasted as long as I did before finally saying something.
Jake, for what it's worth, hasn’t said a single word to me. Not an apology, not a “hey, that was a lot,” nothing. Radio silence. But I did get a very long, very dramatic message from Sophie last night basically accusing me of “trying to sabotage her relationship” and calling me “emotionally manipulative.” (??)
I didn’t respond. I don’t see the point especially because here’s the kicker:
I’ve actually been seeing someone for a few months now.
His name’s Daniel. He’s thoughtful, mature, low-drama, and most importantly, not still caught up on an ex. We’ve been keeping things fairly private while we found our footing, but last night after the chaos of the BBQ I posted a pic of us to the friend group chat. Just us smiling at a coffee shop. Totally normal.
Within the hour, Sophie left the chat.
Make of that what you will.
Anyway, Daniel has been incredibly supportive about everything and honestly, I think seeing that photo (and realizing that I have 100% moved on) was the final crack in whatever illusion Sophie was holding onto.
One of our mutuals mentioned that things were “not going well” between her and Jake. Which… yeah. That tracks. So yeah, I don’t feel bad about what I said anymore. Maybe I could’ve been softer, but sometimes the truth is sharp and people don’t like how it feels.
Thanks again for all the response reading through the comments really helped me feel like I wasn’t just being petty or reactive. I’m good now. Actually? I’m better than good. And Daniel brings me coffee and emotional security, so that’s a win.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s update:
I’m glad your friends are on your side. Sophie is pathetic. I’m so curious how your ex will react to the news of Daniel.
When people make passive aggressive digs I always feign ignorance and ask them to explain like I'm an idiot. Or drop the old faithful, "What an odd thing for an adult to say."
Sorry but like... Why is OP entertaining Jake at all? Like you broke up, he's still hung up on you and you know it... Shut that down? This is why you shouldn't be friends with your ex, it's just asking for confusion and drama.
Hahahaha Sophie convinced herself she “won” and based her entire relationship off of it. Now that she realizes there is no one to compete with, and there never was, she’s left trying to find an excuse to continue the relationship with Jake.
Maybe it is just me but "standing up for yourself" by making a passive aggressive insult doesn't seem like the best or most mature way to resolve the issue. Versus directly communicating. Eg, "I'm a little tired of all the passive aggressive BS" -- or something else... but directly addressing the apparent conflict rather than just causing more drama.