Father confronts stepdad’s bullying, vows to protect son from harmful diet rules. AITA? + UPDATE
"AITA for telling my son's stepdad that he's not/never will be a father to him and starting a screaming fight?"
I (31M) have split custody of my son, Marcus (12M) with my ex, Lena (30F). Lena and I split up shortly after he was born, and stayed friends, but have been less communicative since she married Erik (42M) four years ago. We have had disagreements–I don't approve of certain things they've been doing and they think I spoil him–but until recently we managed to keep things civil.
Marcus is a great kid and I love him. He's smart, funny, and caring, and he's taught me so much about being a human. Having him saved my life and changed it for the better. He's also more or less my only family, so I really treasure him and our time together. Recently he's gotten chubby and depressed, which I only mention because it's relevant.
I was concerned over my son gaining weight but I didn't want to do much other than making sure we eat healthy. He's still active in sports, which I encourage, and a lot will change with puberty.
His mom and stepdad are upset though, and I now know that they had Marcus on a restricted diet and are putting a lot of pressure on him to lose weight. At first it didn't seem like much but it became more unreasonable.
For example, before this incident, I got in trouble with Erik for buying Marcus a size up in clothes, since he thought that he should trim down to fit his old ones better. I told him that I wasn't going to apologise for giving my son pants, he never responded.
Last week, when I came to pick him up, Marcus was still packing his bag. Lena invited me inside for coffee and we were making small talk when I heard shouting. Apparently Marcus had been hiding snacks in his room.
Erik found candy bars in his overnight bag (which they no longer allow in the house), and pulled them out to show to us as evidence. I got upset when he called Marcus names and told him he "wouldn't be fat if he weren't so greedy", and told him to treat my son with respect.
Marcus went to the car, and things devolved. I said the thing in the title, called him a bully, and a lot of expletives got thrown around. I didn't hear from Lena until later when she texted to tell me that she was furious with me.
I was still reeling from everything so the conversation is a blur. I tried to tell her I was sorry, but that I couldn't understand why she would allow him to treat Marcus that way. She told me that while was "a bit much", Marcus broke their rules and Erik was right that he should lose weight.
She also told me that I don't know anything about the "disrespect" Marcus gives them, that I only experience the "fun parts of being a parent", and accused me of encouraging bad behaviour that she has to deal with.
I had a talk with Marcus and told him I love him and he has nothing to be ashamed of. He seems better, but I'm not looking forward to taking him back to his mom's home. I know I made things worse and I should have removed myself from the situation, but I wouldn't feel right if I didn't at least stand up for my son. AITA?
Two days later, he OP reurned with an update.
Thanks again for your responses. I am in touch with social services and filed for emergency custody since I don’t see a non-legal way forward. Many pointed out the way my Lena and Erik treat my son would push him towards disordered eating or could be malnutrition.
Unfortunately it seems be some degree of both. I learned more re: what they let Marcus eat (900-1000 cal/day vs recommended 2500 for active preteens) which pushed him to sneak food. The humiliation is also constant behind closed doors.
I fear there’s more he’s afraid to tell me. He's physically okay (according to paediatrician) but hurt. I'm trying to make sure he knows he has nothing to be ashamed of, and that the person who should be ashamed is the one who did this.
Re: other things in my ex’s house, Erik apparently often starts nasty fights with Marcus. He has also said some pretty demeaning/disturbing things about my background, which is unsurprising. His mom gets shouted down when she tries to defend him. She bothsides the situation afterwards, holding husband and child equally responsible.
Lena reached out to apologise. She said that she knows Erik was wrong and promised to try and talk sense to him. I told her this wasn’t enough and asked why she went along with it.
She seemed to wake up when I told her that they seriously hurt Marcus, and agreed that their behaviour was unacceptable, but begged me to let her try and fix it. She seemed really tired and unwell and completely different from my former friend.
I asked if she feels safe at home, she wouldn’t give me a straight answer but promised that she’s not physically unsafe and will seek help if needed. I feel for her but no longer trust her. I recorded the call just in case (we’re in a one party consent country) and will keep gathering evidence.
Honestly I’m scared, I was failed badly by social services/courts as a kid so I don’t have faith in them. It's also complicated because Lena and I never married: I’m a legal guardian, but we had Marcus as teens with no support and there's a complex history. I’m saving details for the lawyer to get advice specific to my situation, but I’m not letting Erik near my son.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
My mom did the exact same thing to me (body shaming, encouraging calorie restriction) while I was going through puberty as well, which ended up causing permanent damage to my reproductive organs and lifelong body dysmorphia. OP’s reaction is completely understandable, his son is already active and is going through massive bodily changes.
Parents who encourage eating disorders, consciously or not, are horrible for kids to be around. I recently found out that my IUD is pointless because I’ll never be able to have children anyways. I wish OP the very best, he seems like a great parent.
NTA. Your comment about being in trouble with Erik concerned me deeply. You are Marcus’ father, not Erik. It is Erik who should be in trouble with you for daring to criticize buying larger clothes for Marcus. I doubt screaming will do any good, Erik sounds like a bully. Suggest you speak with an attorney and put Erik in his place.
If Marcus is hiding sweets then he's at risk of an ED if not there already, which he's not getting any support for at his mother's house.
Even if the kid is fat, starving them is the easiest way to have the kid develop issues with food for the future. I grew up chronically food insecure/skipping, and despite being out of that situation for decades I order far more food then I eat and leave nothing left over.
NTA. He’s a growing kid. His body will even out. My boys went through the prepubescent period where they got chubby for a bit then bang they are over 6 foot, slim and towering over me.
My boys ate a ton of food all the time but lesser of the treats. As long as he is fed lots of the good stuff he will be less inclined to be hungry and scramble for what he can find to curb the hunger. Erik is doing it so wrong. You don’t belittle a person. Plus I’m guessing they are restricting all foods and not just the treats.
Oh man, I hope OP gets full custody asap - and that his ex will pull her head out of her ass and leave the abusive pos.
A lot of kids, especially boys will chunk up before they shoot up. Unless a doctor has a concern, it shouldn’t be an issue. They should be seeking medical advice before putting a child on a diet.
Making a kid feel like they have to hide snacks is a set up for an unhealthy relationship with food down the road. You should stand up for your son. Yelling and especially name calling is totally inappropriate. NTA You are right to be concerned with the situation. Sounds like some mediation is in order. Good luck.
depressivesfinnar (OP)
I fully agree with this and I think this is abusive/a huge overreaction to a weight change that could result in a serious vicious spiral, but I really do think I was wrong to handle it the way I did.
Standing up for my son is one thing, I needed to shut that down, and to make some serious long term changes to help him with his living situation, but letting that spiral into an out of control fight with another adult who is still very much one of his guardians isn't going to help him.
Give yourself a break - you are human and at least it was not in front of the child. I would have been caught off guard too if an adult was yelling at and shaming my kid but now that you know what is going on you should be able to handle it better in the future.