Woman refuses to take in stepdaughter due to special needs bullying. AITA? (PART 2)
"Update: AITAH If I say "No" to allowing my husband's daughter to come live with us full time?"
Unhappy_Voice_3978
If you missed the first part of the story, here it is.
So last week my husband and I sat down together and talked about SD coming to live with us full time and how that would work out. It was a difficult discussion because, as some redditors had suggested, I really pushed hard for him to really think things through and figure out the obstacles.
Where would he and I work? Common areas are out due to the nature of our jobs. (I can't due to employer restrictions. He does some NSFW things in his we don't want the kids to see). How were we going to handle the animosity and bullying between the kids? What consequences would be in place?
We talked about what expectations would be for SD living here full time vs just weekends. About how she probably has unrealistic expectations about what the nitty gritty life here is like.
We talked through very possibility we could come up with. Including out there possibilities like selling out home or separating our household and living apart for a while. We ran numbers to see how it may effect our finances.
And ultimately we agreed that the answer was "not yet" with a goal for our family working towards it. And that the best course of action would be to slowly adjust the amount of time she spends in our home vs a sudden custody switch.
So Fri night my husband took SD out to talk to her about everything. He explained to her that she wouldn't have her own room at our place for a couple years but that is something that is on the top of the list for home improvements once our youngest's handicap accessibility renovations are paid off.
He talked to her about what expectations of living with us would be like. That she would have chores and responsibilities. And most importantly they talked about the bullying and laid down the provision that we needed to see her relationship and attitude towards her brothers improve before she can live here fulltime.
SD obviously wasn't thrilled about any of this, but she said OK and that she would do better with her brothers. So Saturday I made arrangements for my parents to watch our sons, and we invited SD's mom over so we could all sit down and figure out how SD can start to spend more time here.
And that is when it fell apart. Mom is NOT ok with a change in custody at all. "Absolutely not" was her answer. She took SD home early Sat. My husband tried to reach out to SD on Sun to see how she was and ask if she wanted to do their guitar lesson over skype or something since her mom took her home early.
But she never responded. He called SD's mom and she informed him that SD had lost her phone privileges. So we don't really know what is going on with all that.
EDIT:
For those concerned about SD's mom violating custody arrangements: Please note that my husband and SDs mom do not have a formal custody arrangement. There is no court order in place. They have always just worked things out between themselves. Yes. This is a very stupid thing that they have done. Yes. Asses are being bitten.
My husband and I will not just go get her until we understand what we legally can and cannot do in our state and until we have copies of all pertinent legal documents to cover our own asses.
While we do not suspect abuse, please know my husband is in contact with SD's mom and SD through her. He has not expressed concern for SD's safety. If at any point we feel that has changed, we will make immediate moves.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Fredredphooey
Your husband needs a formal custody agreement since just the idea of his daughter spending more time at your house has caused her mom to punish her and prevent her dad from speaking to her. That's unacceptable and if they had a custody agreement, she could couldn't do it.
Weekly-School-7714
What type of custody agreement is in place? Court ordered? Child support? I know that might not be pertinent to this situation, but it helps lay the foundation of any advice I may give.
Cybermagetx
Yall need to go talk with a lawyer. If it was his time to see her she shouldn't of done that. And most judges don't take it kindly of a parent taking the means to communicate with the other parent away from the child.
Careless-Ad7189
Girl get that child out of there. Losing phone privileges because she wants to stay with her dad for a change? Hell no! Something is going on there that the bio mom doesn’t want anyone to know.
Get a lawyer and get custody arrangements. Kids change when they are out of toxic environment. Get her to therapy too after you get her out ( and not to fix her but to understand what’s going on with her and to have non bais person in her corner).
spiikespiiegel
so you still have no idea what’s going on with your SD and you still want to pretend that you don’t understand why she’s been acting out. the answer is so obvious. my answer from your previous post is still the same. every adult in your SD’s life have failed her.
FrannyFray
Confused somewhat. Was custody not discussed before having any discussion with SD? I thought the mother had approached regarding the change, and not just the daughter. If you guys entertained the idea and got SD's hopes up, then you are both the AH's.
The OP responded here:
Unhappy_Voice_3978
No SD's mom didn't come to us. SD asked weekend before last if she could live with us instead because her and her mom recently moved in with her mom's partner. My husband told her that we would need to discuss it and figure out if it was a possibility.
We didn't talk to biomom until after we know what our answer was. As soon as mom found out SD wanted to spend more time with us, she shut it down immediately.
waynecheat
Poor girl, her father will do the bare minimum while her mother does whatever she wants with her and her stepmother presses her father against the wall, I just wish that girl would find someone who would do whatever it takes to help her.