'AITA for starting the divorce process after finding out my daughter isn’t mine?' UPDATED
"AITA for starting the divorce process after finding out my daughter isn’t mine?"
No-Bottle4059
My life feels like a bad drama show at the moment. For some context me(33M) and my wife (30F) have been married for 7 years and what i thought was our daughter is 3. Looking back this all started after my wife gave birth to her daughter.
She suddenly became a lot more affectionate to me was a lot more active with me in the bedroom life. She also made my favorite desserts a lot more often(she is an fantastic baker). I of course didn’t suspect anything since even prior to her pregnancy there were no signs of cheating but also possibly could be that just didn’t look close enough into it.
Well this whole fiasco started 2 weeks ago after a day out with her daughter and she just sat me down in the evening and came clean about the fact that her daughter wasn’t mine.
Her waterworks of course also started and apparently it was a guy from the gym and it lasted a month before he disappeared on her after he found out she was pregnant.
Honestly even typing this now i feel like crying since I thought I did everything perfectly but she still cheated. As much as I wish I could say I had a stone face or something, I just started crying and she tried to comfort me but I just pushed her away. I felt so disgusted with her.
After I had calmed down a bit I just grabbed my jacket and left for a hotel and while I was leaving she just begged and pleaded me to forgive her and that I was the only father her daughter knew.
After crying myself to sleep in the hotel the next day after I turned my phone back on. I had seen she had blown up my phone and I didn’t read any of it and just blocked her. After having a little bit of breakfast, I contacted a lawyer to start the divorce process and at work I just asked for some time off and my boss gave me a month off.
By the evening, my mom and sister were calling me on her behalf and were on her side and that just hurt me even more. While I’m not proud to admit this, I did drink myself to sleep that night.
After that night, I started staying with my best friend and my mom and sister kept spamming and calling me. A few days later, after she probably got the divorce papers, my mom just sent me a long text that, to summarize, said that i should step up and forgive her and not abandon “my” daughter and that she would disown me if I went through with the divorce.
My sister and mom are against me divorcing her but my best friend and his wife are saying I have the right to not want to be with her or take care of her kid. I’m split on this. On one hand, I did raise the baby for 3 years. On another, I don’t know if I could, in my right mind, raise the reminder of my wife's affair.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Legitimate-Fudge5042
Ask your sister if she’d raise her husband’s affair baby and ask your mom if that's what she did to your dad and that's why they’re so supportive of cheating.
CarrieDurst
Yup and you know their answers.
LukeHeart
Even if you love the kid it doesn’t change the fact that your wife betrayed you and lied about it for years. I’d say NTA.
Technical-Elk-9277
Exactly. She waited until THIS LONG to say anything so that she could guilt trip him with “you’re the only father she has ever known.” Which, is actually true. And so for that child, OP may consider his relationship to her and if he values her, divorce and share custody.
But better to leave if he doesn’t have those feelings of love for the child. I do think, OP, you should give yourself some time to calm down before abandoning the child (but feel free to leave the wife!).
BasketEvery4284
What a grade A B-word! She knew all this time and conned you into raising her affair daughter for 3 years because her gym buddy ditched her. The baby will always be a reminder of the affair which isn't fair on either of you.
Don't let these people guilt trip and blackmail you into this, What happens when the father comes back and the mom goes to him again? Run away from this mess seriously.
VegetableBusiness897
Your mom and sister can pray to raise the kids since they are the only auntie and granny she knows... I understand that the kid is innocent in all this but not only did your wife betray you before and during the affair, but how many years was she going to let this go on??
Was she actually hoping that you would stay because you had been her parent for 3 years? That time and guilt alone would force you to stay and raise another man's child? That to me, sounds like an even worse betrayal, since it's pure manipulation for financial security.
Emerald_geeko
This is the real question. OP is so quick to abandon the girl he raised for THREE YEARS over his was wife admitting it but did she do a DNA test?? How does she know for sure?? It sounds like you both are really impulsive and kind of stupid to be honest.
My bf would never just dump our son even if I had cheated on him during his conception. He’d want 100% proof first. The girl is old enough that she could remember this. Imagine if OP really is the father, what a joke to just abandon your kid on no proof.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
No-Bottle4059
Hello everyone. First off I wanna say, i’m high on emotion and drunk while typing this so excuse any writing mistakes. Also I want to thank everyone that has supported me and sent me nice messages. Now, on to the update.
After seeing a lot of advice, I decided to meet up with my wife in a cafe today. My best friend and his wife were there as well, just in case she tried to pull anything. I’m just gonna keep it short.
She tried apologizing and I just didn’t wanna hear it. I simply asked what I wanted to ask: Why she cheated and if she already had done a DNA test like I suspected, Also, the reason she gave me is the main reason i’m so drunk now, in my best friend's guest room.
She cheated because the guy was attractive and she made a “mistake” Isn’t that a freaking hoot? Give someone all you have and one attractive dude comes and she scr3ws you right over. And yes, she already has taken the DNA test and my daughter isn’t mine.
I’m still going to take a DNA test for proof in court and also just to make peace with it. I also blocked my mom and sister and will probably give my mom a visit in the coming week to give her a piece of my mind.
Yeah I guess that’s about it. My wife just slept with a guy because he was attractive. AGAIN: AIN'T THAT A HOOT. Sorry if this isn’t the update you wanted to hear, but yeah.
Also to everyone that is planning to say for me to reconcile with her, go F*** yourself. Unless you know what i’m feeling at the moment, don’t take the moral high ground.