'AITA for starting my sister's wedding even though the groom's mother hadn't showed up yet?'

"AITA for starting my sister's wedding without the groom's mother present?"

My sister (23F) recently married her boyfriend (22M) of six years just last week and I was her maid of honor. We'll call my sister Lynn and my BIL Sam for privacy's sake.

For background : My BIL's mother is not a good person and has chosen substances (both street and prescription) over her children every chance she's gotten. She has endangered all her kids at one point or another during their childhood by leaving her stash out on the coffee table.

She has stolen money and valuable items from everyone in her life and has had multiple chances to clean herself up. Yet her parents are always there to defend and take care of their 42 year old daughter no matter what she does. They guilt trip Sam in to maintaining a relationship with his mother and have even gone as far as asking him - a college student - to give his mother money for gas.

The woman is constantly either too strung out to function or looking for handouts. She's known to ruin family gatherings/events by showing up extremely late, bringing random "friends" of hers along or starting fights and getting violent.

My BIL pretty much raised himself outside of receiving basic needs such as shelter from his maternal grandparents. He is a great guy, has overcome so much to get where he is and is currently putting himself through college to become a nurse. He tries to keep the peace by just going along with what his grandparents want but unfortunately as life goes on, it's getting more and more difficult.

Moving on to the actual incident. Lynn and Sam decided to have their ceremony at a local park and rented out a specific part that's popular for weddings and such. Very beautiful venue but pricey nonetheless. As with most venues, they booked it for a specified amount of time and also only had the minister for that same amount of time.

The big day finally arrived and everything was going pretty well until it came time to begin the wedding processional and get the actual ceremony started. Being the maid of honor, I was flitting between my sister and other duties.

Sam's mother was supposed to be there along with the rest of the party but as expected, didn't show up when she was supposed to. So about an hour before the ceremony, we sent Sam's grandparents to go find out where she was and what was going on. As the start time grew nearer, both my mother and I tried calling both of them multiple times but no one picked up and it was almost time to start.

I would have much preferred to be with my sister while she was getting ready. But I unfortunately spent that time I'll never get back blowing up good old grandma and grandpa's phones. So we all waited and waited and waited. It was now about 25 minutes past the start time and you could just feel the tension in the air.

The guests were getting antsy, our flower girl was getting grouchy and the minister kept inquiring as to what the hold up was. He had another ceremony later that afternoon and not to mention, we only had the venue for a set amount of time.

I went to check on my sister and the poor thing is just beside herself. She's fanning her eyes and trying not to cry so she doesn't ruin her makeup and lamenting that she knew this woman was going to ruin her wedding day somehow.

My mother and I calmed her down enough to where we could discuss what to do and I asked her if she wanted us to just proceed with the ceremony without Sam's mom or grandparents. She gave me a nod but told me to ask Sam before doing anything.

I went to Sam, who was naturally already upset, and told him his bride was about ready to bawl her eyes out and that the minister was probably going to leave if we didn't start soon. He hesitated but told me to go ahead and regroup the wedding party and that if his mother didn't turn up by the time I got everyone ready, to start. After getting both of their permissions, I did exactly that.

The usher was kind enough to hang towards the back of the seating and keep an eye out for the missing family members. I requested that if they turned up, he direct them to whatever seats we had available towards the back so they wouldn't disrupt the ceremony more.

We started the procession and finally got going. It was a beautiful ceremony and I'm so glad we were able to salvage it. Sam's grandparents did turn up with his mother in tow about halfway through and were shocked to find it had already started.

I peered over and could see the grandmother starting to argue with our usher but they must have given up and took some seats towards the back. The rest of the ceremony itself went just fine and once it was over we moved on to pictures while we still had the venue.

Sam's grandparents and mother made a beeline straight towards the newlyweds and of course, I stopped them. I told them that unless they were going to apologize to Sam and Lynn or congratulate them, they had no business interrupting the already delayed photoshoot.

Well grandma lost it and went off on me. Told me that I orchestrated the whole thing just to hurt their daughter and that I had no right to do what I did. And it only got nastier from there as grandpa joined in and began calling me a "spiteful little [c-word]" and other colorful names. That didn't last but a moment before my dad and boyfriend were at my side and ready to defend me.

My dad told all three of them that if they thought he was going to stand there while they berated his daughter after almost ruining his other daughter's wedding day, they were out of their minds.

I won't quote exactly what he said because he was pretty angry at the time and it doesn't paint him in the best light. But essentially, he told them to either back off and enjoy the rest of the day with everyone else or he and some other members of the wedding party would gladly escort them out.

They chose to stick around but only stayed for a little bit after that because Sam's mother started blubbering about how she couldn't believe her own son could do such a thing to her. And yes, she was coming down from a high as well. It was, in it's own way, a blessing in disguise that they decided to leave.

Well now my sister and Sam are on their honeymoon and his mother posted this long post on Facebook talking about how abused she was by her kids. His grandpa also texted him during their first night together after the wedding that they needed to have a talk about how he treated his mother when they got back from their honeymoon.

It's a mess but atleast we got their big day in the books and they're having a good time on their honeymoon :) All that being said, AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Ravenkelly said:

NTA. Comment on her Facebook post about how she showed up late and high

OP responded:

I've been debating doing something like that.

Known-Supermarket-68 said:

If you hadn’t started, they wouldn’t have got married. She would have literally ruined their wedding day. In what would could you be anything but NTA?

On top of that…

1.) She was there halfway through, so I assume she saw the big finish, which is what everyone cares about.

2.) You were following instructions from the bride and groom.

3.) You didn’t lock the door, you left instructions so she could be quietly seated when she arrived.

4.) You made multiple attempts to reach her.

What more were you supposed to do?? All the responsibility lies with his mother and her parents. Please don’t let them give you the weight of that guilt. It doesn’t belong to you.

NICE59FORDF100 said:

Do...it...now. Seriously, people like MIL (and her enabling parents) will never see reason or logic in the error of their ways. It is a futile exercise. You are never going to win with them. To them (narcissists / borderline personality disorder), feelings are reality, not actual reality.

It is time to go nuclear. Blast her and the grandparents on Facebook and then block. Everyone needs to go no contact with them.

And the grandfather sending that text, knowing full well they started their honeymoon, was carefully thought out to issue maximum amount of manipulation and guilt to ruin the tone of their honeymoon. (Imagine your boss sending an email to you saying "I need to see you in my office at the end of the day." You think you're going to NOT be thinking of that all day?) It is time for the Nuclear No Contact Hammer to come down HARD

OP:

You are probably right. I'm willing to do my part by providing the real story of what happened and my part in it. I already blocked all three of them a couple hours ago after receiving so much affirmative feedback on this. Now Sam and Lynn need to make their decision, I hope they make the right one.