Stay-at-home mom asks husband to go to the office more, 'I NEED HIM TO LEAVE THE HOUSE!' AITA?
"AITAH for asking my husband to go to the office more often?"
My husband and I are in our late 30’s, we have 4 elementary age kids. He’s the breadwinner, makes almost $200k/year to support us which I’m beyond thankful for. I’m lucky enough to be a stay at home mom.
He’s great at his job and manages to stay extremely flexible while being very successful (always up for promotions, hits his yearly goals by March, every boss adores him).
His office is less than a 10 minute drive. He chooses to work from home most days, I would say 90% at home. The problem is, we don’t have an office space, we have an extremely small house and he just has a big, outgoing personality (which is one of the reasons I married him!)
I’m home full time. Laundry, cooking, cleaning, school PTO tasks, sick kids, half days, errands, etc. That’s all 100% me, 100% of the time. All he has to worry about is work. It works for us. Except I NEED HIM TO LEAVE THE HOUSE!
He works standing in the kitchen with his computer on the counter, or sitting on the couch in our living room, or mostly laying in our bed! He’s just always near me, 24/7.
Always talking to me, always asking what I’m doing, where I’m going, etc. (in a friendly way). I like to fold laundry on our bed, but he’s always in there and if I ask him to move he says no and tells me to fold somewhere else. He naps most days.
He was home every single day last week. This morning I mentioned that maybe he could go to the office a day or 2 so I could have a little breathing room. He got all offended.
And not in a sad, feelings hurt kind of way. More of a “fine, F-U, I’ll stay out of your hair when I’m home, don’t ask me for help with anything, I guess you don’t like hanging out with me.” So, am I the ahole?!?!?
EDIT:
ETA - He does not want an office space. He loves being in the mix, in the center of my universe. He loves know what’s going on at all times and has no desire to separate himself to work. So creating a work space for him is not an option. He has a work space, at work, that’s a 7 minute drive away.
Adding clarifications:
-No, we cannot (and don’t want to) buy a bigger house or add an addition or build a “garden office.” It’s simply not in the budget, and even if we had 3,000 sq ft of space my husband would still want to be near “the action.”
-I have no complaints about my workload. We are both very happy with our division of responsibilities.
-Neither of us want me working until the kids are closer to high school age. So that’s a few years off at least. It’s important to us BOTH that I’m present and available for our kids and home during this season of life.
Here's what the top commenters had to say:
izziebee66 said:
My father took early retirement at 61. My mother used that as an excuse to take a part time job (financial considerations) because after 2 weeks with him at home telling her how to run the house the choice was to leave the house (get a job) or bury him under the patio. She took the former choice.
Conscious-Arm-7889 said:
A friend of mine works for a family mediation service that basically sits down with couples who are divorcing and mediates the separation, including of the assets. He told me that 40% of their work is with freshly retired couples who have spent their lives apart, other than evenings and weekends, and are now finding that they get on each other's nerves and under feet now that they are both home all the time.
I can't help feeling that this will be you two in the future! But for now, most people struggle when they are together all day everyday without some timeout from each other, so asking him to go to his office at least a couple of days a week isn't too much to ask. NTA (for the actual question)
mfruitfly said:
So NTA, but there are a few different things to sort out. If he is going to work from home, you both need to agree on a schedule. He doesn't get to go from room to room taking up space and expecting you to work around him.
If he wants to work from home, he needs a designated space and to respect your schedule as well. Sure, he can take a nap, but he can't take up the bedroom all day or just any time he wants. He can't just come in to the kitchen and get on a zoom and expect you to clear out.
You both need routine and if he wants to work from home, he needs to treat it like a professional space and you like a co-worker that he can't just disrupt whenever he wants.
If he is going to be working from home, he can't create more work for you. I don't really agree that because he works you do 100% of everything else- he should be doing some stuff with the kids and around the home- but that's not my relationship, that's yours. But if he is home, then he needs to not be making a mess for you to clean and not expecting you to make him meals or help in anyway.
So try and have a rational conversation with him about him being home is fine, but he needs to have some respect that you need routine, space, and for him to have general appreciation for you. And if he doesn't get that, then just start doing what you need to do.
If he is on the bed, bring the laundry in and fold it. If he is zooming in the kitchen, wash all those pots and pans. Don't make him lunch or be at his beck and call. It is your home too, and if you are expected to run the home 100%, then he is on your turf, not the other way around.
These-Read-4803 said:
There’s nothing wrong with wanting space which is what I believe you want. When the kids are at school even if you’re doing chores. That’s your alone time and your husband being home 24/7 is sometimes overwhelming.
Everyone deserves space and when he goes into the office. I’m sure it’s because he wants some space away from home. I feel like you guys just need to talk about it.
oodlesofotters said:
Well that would drive me absolutely bonkers. NTA. I wonder if it would help to approach it like “I love you but I want to enjoy the time we spend together, as quality time where we can really focus on each other.
When you are near me ALL the time but we’re both trying to do other things, I am not enjoying you AND it impedes my ability to enjoy your company during my down time because at that point I just need to be alone. If you could give me more space during the day that would give me the alone time I need to be able to focus on you 100% after the kids go to bed.”